Jaelen Jackson
Something that I liked about this piece is the heading, it is very simple yet very effective. Same thing about the sub heading, it gets right to the point.
Also, something very simple to fix. I would introduce people using their name first and then their year, major, and whatever else you wish to include.
Something that I noticed about the article was that the language used was very broad.
Another thing I noticed in Page 2, Paragraph 2 was that the first sentence was a run on one. You would definitely benefit from splitting that up.
Angelina
When initially looking through this story I liked that it was split up between small paragraphs, it makes it easy to digest and be attentive towards. Something that I also enjoyed was the first paragraph, it was a good nut graph and makes people want to read the story even more. I also really like how you set up your quotes. It makes a great story.
Jaelen-
I like the reporter voice that you had here. Clearly you worked to get accurate information, and I like that you were able to add things like the scores. It was like another objective detail to present information other than the quoted people. It made it seem like you actually watched the games and are reporting the events as you watched them, but still not inserting yourself in the story. One thing I might say is consistency with capitalization, I feel like the Midnight Madness Game was probably capitalized, the names of the majors like Health Sciences. You also included some people’s majors and not others so I might make a point of including everyone’s.
Maeve- I really like this topic. I had no idea that it was going on beforehand, and I think it’s interesting you were able to give information for what seems to me like a little known about subject and therefore maybe a hard to gather information about subject. I also just like the consistency when it comes to structure and the quotes. I feel like it was pretty even with the way you provided information but also let the quotes speak so that way you could keep bias out of it.
Angelina- I really like this topic, and I agree it is an important issue on campus. I like that you got stories from multiple games. One thing I might say is the general length of your paragraphs could be paired down for an easier read. Similarly, I would add the subhead line and maybe nitpicky the headline too was a little long. You could get rid of the part about the men’s hockey team drawing in bigger crowds and just say they overshadow the girls, the nut graph can further explain why they overshadow the girls team.
First off, this is a really cool topic! I think it is relevant and interesting. The headline and subheadline worked nicely. They attract readers while showcasing important information. I also liked the approach you took with the lede. I especially liked that you started with the score information from the previous season. It sets up what the story will be about. The following paragraphs are packed with information and good quotes. One suggestion would be to add a clever nut graph within those first few paragraphs. That could explain some of the basic details about the basketball team. I really enjoy the quotes that are used! There are a good amount of them. Plus, we always talk about letting the quotes speak and I think that is done nicely. They demonstrate the hope and sadness that the players felt. One more suggestion would be to include a quote from a coach. I am curious as to what the coach felt during the season. Overall, nice job!
Maeve’s Feature
Immediately, the headline caught my attention. I think it was very creative and intriguing! The subheadline also does a good job with increasing attention while providing a little more information. The lede is very effective as well. The necessary information is being slowly integrated in. I also like the nut graph which provides context on the who, what, and where. The quotes used are very effective in shaping the story. The quotes are speaking for themselves which is exactly what we want. One suggestion would be to include quotes from students. A main aspect of the feature is the opportunities that students are getting from this partnership. The quotes from administrators are helpful, but hearing from students would provide a necessary insight. I would also be interested in hearing from students who maybe were unaware of this partnership and are not affected by it. This is a really great feature! Nice job!
Angelina’s Feature
This is a great topic! My roommate plays on the women’s hockey team and there is a noticeable difference in crowd size. First off, I think the headline is super interesting! I especially like the “in the shadows” part. The subheadline is also great! I think you do a good job capturing attention while providing more information. The lede has great information but it repeats some of the same things from the subheadline. I think you could take some lines out which would limit repetition and make the paragraph smaller. The quotes used are really great! I like the variety that you had. It incorporates a lot of different viewpoints. One potential interview could be the forum workers and get the numbers of fans attending games. It might be nice to have hard facts rather than all subjective information. One suggestion is that the paragraphs are too long. Each paragraph should be no more than a few sentences. Try splitting some into two. The quotes can sometimes be its own paragraph. Overall, great job!
This was a really good article and your topic was very interesting. I think it was great how you did an overview of the season. Your headline was good, it was short but worked well for what the article was about. I liked that you talked about last season, I think that added some good background. I would maybe add some stats from even farther back seasons and maybe compare them, I think that could be interesting. I also would end it differently. I think you could add another small paragraph, instead of ending with a quote.
Maeve:
This was such a good topic, I found it very different because it has an element that doesn’t have to do with campus and I really liked that. You got really great quotes that added a lot to your article. I loved your headline. I think it is really strong and works well. I would definitely try and break up some paragraphs as some are kinda big, but overall this was really well done and interesting to read about.
Angelina:
This was a great topic, It is very noticeable the difference between the mens and womens hockey team so this was great to read about. I loved that you got some quotes from the women’s team. It worked really well. I think it would be great to add in a quote from the mens team and see what they think about the topic. I would also break up your paragraphs because they all are very big so I think breaking them up will make it look better, But overall this was a great topic.
Overall, I think this is an extremely well rounded piece and has a ton of great information. Starting off with your headline, it does exactly what it should, peaking my interest to continue reading the rest of your piece. You are also right at the 10 word limit, making it even better. I also really like the idea of your sub headline and it gives us just a little bit more information on what your article is about. Your lead is also catchy, giving vital pieces of information with last year’s record. Since the idea of your article focuses on an overview of what went good/bad it is important to have this comparison to last season. I do think however that it is missing a nut graf. This is the final piece that is vitally important in journalism. I would make sure in the nut graf to include the who, what, when, where, why and how focusing solely on why the team is functioning this way. I would also make sure in this paragraph, or even in your sub headline, to spell out UNE as the University of New England, as readers who are unfamiliar may have a tough time figuring out what school you are talking about. I also really liked your quotes and how you added more concrete information such as season records and injuries.
Maeve
This is an incredible article and is extremely well written. Your paragraphs are roughly the same size, which makes it easy to read and digest. I enjoyed the story overall because you not only focused on a story through UNE, but how UNE has brought itself into the community. You included such great information especially with talking about how the partnership not only benefits UNE but also the Maine Mariners. I also really like your quote in the third paragraph and how you were able to talk to the vice president of Sales & Strategy at the Maine Mariners. The only thing I would really suggest is maybe cutting back on the amount of words in your lead. It should be about 25-30 words max and you are sitting right at about 50. I would suggest ending the article with the quote that reads, “The future is bright for both UNE and the Mariners, and this partnership is just the beginning.” This is a very powerful ending sentence, and perfectly, in a way, sums up the idea of why UNE and the Maine Mariners decided to partner in the first place.
Angelina
I thought this was a great topic, and I definitely think that every UNE student sees the divide between these two teams. I do think your lead is a bit repetitive as I look back to it after reading the rest of your piece, and I think it repeats most of the same information you already did in your headline and sub headline. It is also a really big paragraph, and should only be about 30 words max. I think splitting it up and maybe pushing it to your nut graf would be a better alternative. Some of your other paragraphs are big as well, and it would be easier to separate the background info from the quotes in separate paragraphs. I also really like your last paragraph and think it really packs a punch with the idea of gender inequality and how it should be brought to more attention no matter what sport it is.
The way the team progressed during the season was reflected in Jaelen’s piece. The article described their past setbacks and their hopes for progress. The article was interesting and personal because of the statements from athletes like Dalton Donovan. The team’s dedication was demonstrated by emphasizing important events like the victories at Gordon College and Hartford. Jaelen also did a good job of explaining how injuries affected the team
Maeves article does a good job explaining the partnership between UNE and The Maine Mariners, showing how both benefit from the collaboration. It clearly shows how UNE students gain hands on experiences in areas like data analytics, fan engagement, and market research. The quotes from people like Conor Blake and Sam Murray make the piece more interesting and credible. The article has a positive tone, focusing on growth and future opportunities.
Angelinas article does a good job emphasizing the gender gap between the men’s and women’s hockey teams at UNE, showing how the women’s team struggles to get the same fan support despite their talent. It includes strong perspectives from players like Christian Morton. The writing is clear and uses good examples, like the Teddy Bear Toss event, to show the difference in attendance.
Jaelen’s Feature
This was a great first draft. The headline was intriguing and made me want to read more. The subheadline described the headline well, and they accurately supported the information in the article. It also gave some background on last season’s record, but more of this information could help improve the piece. One thing that was missing was the nut graph. You can add more background on the previous season with the who, what, when, where, and why and make comparisons to last season. I liked the quotes and how you integrated them into the piece. Once the nut graf is added and more information from previous seasons is added for comparison, this will be a well-rounded article. Great job!
Maeve’s Feature
The first thing I noticed was the headline, it was well written and eye-catching. The subheadline also works well by giving the reader more information on what this partnership is about. I liked how you were able to talk to the Dean of the College of Business and the Vice president of Sales and Strategy at the Mariners since they had a major role in creating this partnership. It could be interesting to hear from students who are currently part of this program or those interested in it to get their point of view. The overall flow of the article is good; some paragraphs are a little long but are packed with information that makes it interesting. Overall, this is very well written and a great first draft!
Angelina’s Feature
This is a really interesting topic. I think a lot of students notice this issue across the sports here at UNE. The theme of the overall article is present and clear to the readers. I noticed some of the information was repeated a few times. Instead of revisiting some topics, you could maybe add more quotes from the men’s hockey team or even include a coach’s perspective. The paragraphs are on the longer side. I think cutting those down a bit will help make it more digestible for the reader. The headline and subheadline work well together and support the information in the article. Nice job!
Really interesting article! It was a cool topic and super informative. I think the headline worked well and did a good job focusing the article. I also think your paragraph length worked really well. A couple might have been a little long but for the most part they were nice and concise. It would be interesting to hear from some of the coaches about how they felt the season went. Other than that great job!
Maeve’s Feature
Awesome article! The topic was super interesting. I really liked your headline and felt it did a good job at hooking readers in. I also think that your paragraph lengths worked really well. They were concise and easy to digest. Your quotes were also super interesting and provided good insight into what the partnership between UNE and The Mariners actually is. Great job!
Angelina’s Feature
Great job! This article is super interesting and raises a lot of good points. I never knew there were differences in the rules for hitting between mens and womens hockey. The quotes you used were super informative and I think they worked really well. I think it would be interesting to hear one more perspective on the issue. It felt like we were hearing a lot from Morton and less from everybody else. Other than that I think you could possibly split up some of your paragraphs to make things more digestible. Overall amazing job!
Jaelen
This was a good article and had a very good quotes. The headline and sub were on point and were informative. The stats on players/season were interesting but maybe adding stats of the previous year and such world be good for a comparison. Also, what team was like before and the things they have improved upon. Just adding more of a nut graph would provide a better structure and understanding over the article as a whole. There is a good foundation but a key parts are missing.
Maeve
This was a very interesting article with really good quotes from very key people within the business deal of the University and the Mariners. I liked the comparison and background you gave on the founding of the College of Business within UNE and the time provided on how fast this happened within that time. Though I would try and find students that have or are currently in the program with the Mariners, to get their insights and thoughts on how its working. Also, some of the paragraphs are long but still engaging. Overall, a good article and was fun to read.
Angelina
This was very interesting article and was good evolution of the different dynamics of what the school sports have to offer. I liked the quotes and the people you used to compare what different people thought. Though I would see if the coaches are willing to comment of their thoughts about the matter. They may a perspective that could touched upon. Also, the paragraphs are little long, there a plenty of spots to split them up and make them easier to read. Overall, this was a good article and was very interesting to read.
Angelina: I like your topic a lot and I think you raise some great points but I think your headline and sub-headline should almost be moved down a bit/ I think your sub-headline should be your first paragraph and your headline should be your sub-headline, making your headline something along the lines of “Women Playing in a Man’s Game” since you’re talking about the men getting most of the support despite the woman playing too. I would also shorten/split up your paragraphs they are all too large. And as an overall, your paper is super biased. I think if this were an academic essay you’d get an A, but this is journalism and you have to be as objective as possible. It is very clear on your stance on this situation. Many of your quotes also basically say the same thing, I’d see if you can find some other quotes they said. I really think you wrote a phenomenal paper, it’s just the wrong “voice” if you will. It’s completely biased because you took a stance, you have a thesis at the end of your first paragraph, and all of your quotes basically say the same exact thing almost word for word. Just try and fix it to make it sound more unbiased, shorten paragraphs, and get the variety of quotes and it’ll be perfect!
Maeve: I think your piece is really well written and you did a great job, only thing I’ll say is the second to last paragraph I kind of had to reword some parts because it didn’t sound like it was worded properly but other than that it’s great.
Jaelen: I think your piece is really well written, just watch out for a few grammatical errors and make sure to capitalize people’s majors.
Maeve: I think this is a really interesting and informing story. I had no idea about UNE’s partnership not only with the Mariners but other organizations. I think it’s structured well with all the paragraphs being similarly sized, this gave the piece a good flow and kept me engaged. I also liked the quotes you did use, but I think one piece of advice would be to add more. Other than that, I thought it was great, it was engaging like I said above and it’s about something I was completely uninformed on prior to reading the story, you do a great job giving the information in a way for readers like me to understand what’s going on.
Angelina: This is a very interesting story. One that being an athlete myself, I notice every game day. I think the quotes are strong and are a highlight in the story. One suggestion I have would be to try to find a way to split up some of the paragraphs so the piece can flow. Another thing I’d think about adding would be the records of each team, you say that the woman’s team competes at a similar level as the men’s team, I think adding both of their records then comparing how many people show up to games would be a strong way to show the sexism you talk about throughout the whole piece.
Jaelen: You start with a clear headline and a sub that goes well with it, telling the reader what they can expect out of the article. The rest of the article is structured really well I believe, and the paragraph size makes it very easy to read. The quotes are great as the players where able to give god insight on the issue, and I think the context you provide around the quotes expands on them smoothly. Just be careful of capitalization, and making sure to capitalize majors.
Maeve: Cool headline and word choice to start, it is a great attention grabber. The sub does a good job feeding off the headline and telling us what information to expect. The paragraphs that follow as well as the quotes all work well together. I would say try to get some more quotes and information on the topic. That way you can add more bulk to the piece.
Angelina: Creative headline and word choice, Your lead does a good job telling us about the issue in a nut graph type of way. Its a great topic as well and something interesting to read and find out why this is happening. I would say you could shorten some paragraphs a little bit. This can be done by each paragraph containing one quote or putting the greater context for the quote in a seperate paragraph.
Jaelen Jackson- Mens Basketball Season Overview
I think this is a really good topic to discuss, the mens basketball team on campus does not get a lot of love because of their record so it is good to see the progress they’ve made. I think the structuring is also good as well, when reading it does not feel too long or to the point I lose my focus. Finally I also like the quotes being used, it gives the outsiders good info on the team. Only thing I would look for is grammar fixes and punctuation issues.
Maeve- UNE & Maine Mariners
I think that this topic is a unique topic compared to the majority written. The University gets a lot of help and involvement from many minor league teams for internships and more people should know. Another thing I also enjoy about the article is the information being given throughout. This will give the reader much more knowledge on how these internships works for the students and organization. One thing I would work on is the length of some paragraphs, they are bit longer and could sum them down a bit.
Angelina:
This is a really good piece. The quotes, in my opinion, are strong and stand out in the narrative. To help the text flow, I would suggest trying to figure out how to divide up some of the paragraphs. The records of each team are another item I would consider including. You mention that the women’s team competes on an equal footing with the men’s team, so I believe comparing the attendance at games and comparing the two teams’ records would be a powerful way to illustrate the sexism you discuss throughout the article.
The article does a good job of telling the story of UNE’s basketball season, going over both their successes and struggles. The quotes from players and coaches help make the piece more personal. It clearly explains the team’s challenges, like injuries and tough losses. However, some sections feel a bit repetitive. especially when discussing the team’s goals and their ups and downs during the season. There are also a few awkward sentences and small grammar issues that interrupt the flow. The transitions between different parts of the story could be smoother. Sometimes the tone shifts between being hopeful and critical without much notice, it could be more consistent.
Maeve’s Feature:
The article clearly explains the partnership between UNE and the Maine Mariners, highlighting how both organizations benefit. The focus on real-world skills for students and growth opportunities for the Mariners is clearly communicated. The inclusion of quotes from key figures like Conor Blake and Sam Murray adds credibility and personal insight into the partnership’s success. However, the article could use a little more clarity and flow. Some sentences feel a bit long and could be broken down for better. For instance, the explanation of what the students are doing could be more concise. There’s also some repetition in describing the partnership’s benefits, which could be tightened up. Lastly, a brief mention of specific projects students have worked on could help readers better understand the impact of this collaboration.
14 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 15 (FC FEEDBACK # 6)”
Jaelen Jackson
Something that I liked about this piece is the heading, it is very simple yet very effective. Same thing about the sub heading, it gets right to the point.
Also, something very simple to fix. I would introduce people using their name first and then their year, major, and whatever else you wish to include.
Something that I noticed about the article was that the language used was very broad.
Another thing I noticed in Page 2, Paragraph 2 was that the first sentence was a run on one. You would definitely benefit from splitting that up.
Angelina
When initially looking through this story I liked that it was split up between small paragraphs, it makes it easy to digest and be attentive towards. Something that I also enjoyed was the first paragraph, it was a good nut graph and makes people want to read the story even more. I also really like how you set up your quotes. It makes a great story.
Jaelen-
I like the reporter voice that you had here. Clearly you worked to get accurate information, and I like that you were able to add things like the scores. It was like another objective detail to present information other than the quoted people. It made it seem like you actually watched the games and are reporting the events as you watched them, but still not inserting yourself in the story. One thing I might say is consistency with capitalization, I feel like the Midnight Madness Game was probably capitalized, the names of the majors like Health Sciences. You also included some people’s majors and not others so I might make a point of including everyone’s.
Maeve- I really like this topic. I had no idea that it was going on beforehand, and I think it’s interesting you were able to give information for what seems to me like a little known about subject and therefore maybe a hard to gather information about subject. I also just like the consistency when it comes to structure and the quotes. I feel like it was pretty even with the way you provided information but also let the quotes speak so that way you could keep bias out of it.
Angelina- I really like this topic, and I agree it is an important issue on campus. I like that you got stories from multiple games. One thing I might say is the general length of your paragraphs could be paired down for an easier read. Similarly, I would add the subhead line and maybe nitpicky the headline too was a little long. You could get rid of the part about the men’s hockey team drawing in bigger crowds and just say they overshadow the girls, the nut graph can further explain why they overshadow the girls team.
Jaelen’s Feature
First off, this is a really cool topic! I think it is relevant and interesting. The headline and subheadline worked nicely. They attract readers while showcasing important information. I also liked the approach you took with the lede. I especially liked that you started with the score information from the previous season. It sets up what the story will be about. The following paragraphs are packed with information and good quotes. One suggestion would be to add a clever nut graph within those first few paragraphs. That could explain some of the basic details about the basketball team. I really enjoy the quotes that are used! There are a good amount of them. Plus, we always talk about letting the quotes speak and I think that is done nicely. They demonstrate the hope and sadness that the players felt. One more suggestion would be to include a quote from a coach. I am curious as to what the coach felt during the season. Overall, nice job!
Maeve’s Feature
Immediately, the headline caught my attention. I think it was very creative and intriguing! The subheadline also does a good job with increasing attention while providing a little more information. The lede is very effective as well. The necessary information is being slowly integrated in. I also like the nut graph which provides context on the who, what, and where. The quotes used are very effective in shaping the story. The quotes are speaking for themselves which is exactly what we want. One suggestion would be to include quotes from students. A main aspect of the feature is the opportunities that students are getting from this partnership. The quotes from administrators are helpful, but hearing from students would provide a necessary insight. I would also be interested in hearing from students who maybe were unaware of this partnership and are not affected by it. This is a really great feature! Nice job!
Angelina’s Feature
This is a great topic! My roommate plays on the women’s hockey team and there is a noticeable difference in crowd size. First off, I think the headline is super interesting! I especially like the “in the shadows” part. The subheadline is also great! I think you do a good job capturing attention while providing more information. The lede has great information but it repeats some of the same things from the subheadline. I think you could take some lines out which would limit repetition and make the paragraph smaller. The quotes used are really great! I like the variety that you had. It incorporates a lot of different viewpoints. One potential interview could be the forum workers and get the numbers of fans attending games. It might be nice to have hard facts rather than all subjective information. One suggestion is that the paragraphs are too long. Each paragraph should be no more than a few sentences. Try splitting some into two. The quotes can sometimes be its own paragraph. Overall, great job!
Jaelen:
This was a really good article and your topic was very interesting. I think it was great how you did an overview of the season. Your headline was good, it was short but worked well for what the article was about. I liked that you talked about last season, I think that added some good background. I would maybe add some stats from even farther back seasons and maybe compare them, I think that could be interesting. I also would end it differently. I think you could add another small paragraph, instead of ending with a quote.
Maeve:
This was such a good topic, I found it very different because it has an element that doesn’t have to do with campus and I really liked that. You got really great quotes that added a lot to your article. I loved your headline. I think it is really strong and works well. I would definitely try and break up some paragraphs as some are kinda big, but overall this was really well done and interesting to read about.
Angelina:
This was a great topic, It is very noticeable the difference between the mens and womens hockey team so this was great to read about. I loved that you got some quotes from the women’s team. It worked really well. I think it would be great to add in a quote from the mens team and see what they think about the topic. I would also break up your paragraphs because they all are very big so I think breaking them up will make it look better, But overall this was a great topic.
Jaelen
Overall, I think this is an extremely well rounded piece and has a ton of great information. Starting off with your headline, it does exactly what it should, peaking my interest to continue reading the rest of your piece. You are also right at the 10 word limit, making it even better. I also really like the idea of your sub headline and it gives us just a little bit more information on what your article is about. Your lead is also catchy, giving vital pieces of information with last year’s record. Since the idea of your article focuses on an overview of what went good/bad it is important to have this comparison to last season. I do think however that it is missing a nut graf. This is the final piece that is vitally important in journalism. I would make sure in the nut graf to include the who, what, when, where, why and how focusing solely on why the team is functioning this way. I would also make sure in this paragraph, or even in your sub headline, to spell out UNE as the University of New England, as readers who are unfamiliar may have a tough time figuring out what school you are talking about. I also really liked your quotes and how you added more concrete information such as season records and injuries.
Maeve
This is an incredible article and is extremely well written. Your paragraphs are roughly the same size, which makes it easy to read and digest. I enjoyed the story overall because you not only focused on a story through UNE, but how UNE has brought itself into the community. You included such great information especially with talking about how the partnership not only benefits UNE but also the Maine Mariners. I also really like your quote in the third paragraph and how you were able to talk to the vice president of Sales & Strategy at the Maine Mariners. The only thing I would really suggest is maybe cutting back on the amount of words in your lead. It should be about 25-30 words max and you are sitting right at about 50. I would suggest ending the article with the quote that reads, “The future is bright for both UNE and the Mariners, and this partnership is just the beginning.” This is a very powerful ending sentence, and perfectly, in a way, sums up the idea of why UNE and the Maine Mariners decided to partner in the first place.
Angelina
I thought this was a great topic, and I definitely think that every UNE student sees the divide between these two teams. I do think your lead is a bit repetitive as I look back to it after reading the rest of your piece, and I think it repeats most of the same information you already did in your headline and sub headline. It is also a really big paragraph, and should only be about 30 words max. I think splitting it up and maybe pushing it to your nut graf would be a better alternative. Some of your other paragraphs are big as well, and it would be easier to separate the background info from the quotes in separate paragraphs. I also really like your last paragraph and think it really packs a punch with the idea of gender inequality and how it should be brought to more attention no matter what sport it is.
The way the team progressed during the season was reflected in Jaelen’s piece. The article described their past setbacks and their hopes for progress. The article was interesting and personal because of the statements from athletes like Dalton Donovan. The team’s dedication was demonstrated by emphasizing important events like the victories at Gordon College and Hartford. Jaelen also did a good job of explaining how injuries affected the team
Maeves article does a good job explaining the partnership between UNE and The Maine Mariners, showing how both benefit from the collaboration. It clearly shows how UNE students gain hands on experiences in areas like data analytics, fan engagement, and market research. The quotes from people like Conor Blake and Sam Murray make the piece more interesting and credible. The article has a positive tone, focusing on growth and future opportunities.
Angelinas article does a good job emphasizing the gender gap between the men’s and women’s hockey teams at UNE, showing how the women’s team struggles to get the same fan support despite their talent. It includes strong perspectives from players like Christian Morton. The writing is clear and uses good examples, like the Teddy Bear Toss event, to show the difference in attendance.
Jaelen’s Feature
This was a great first draft. The headline was intriguing and made me want to read more. The subheadline described the headline well, and they accurately supported the information in the article. It also gave some background on last season’s record, but more of this information could help improve the piece. One thing that was missing was the nut graph. You can add more background on the previous season with the who, what, when, where, and why and make comparisons to last season. I liked the quotes and how you integrated them into the piece. Once the nut graf is added and more information from previous seasons is added for comparison, this will be a well-rounded article. Great job!
Maeve’s Feature
The first thing I noticed was the headline, it was well written and eye-catching. The subheadline also works well by giving the reader more information on what this partnership is about. I liked how you were able to talk to the Dean of the College of Business and the Vice president of Sales and Strategy at the Mariners since they had a major role in creating this partnership. It could be interesting to hear from students who are currently part of this program or those interested in it to get their point of view. The overall flow of the article is good; some paragraphs are a little long but are packed with information that makes it interesting. Overall, this is very well written and a great first draft!
Angelina’s Feature
This is a really interesting topic. I think a lot of students notice this issue across the sports here at UNE. The theme of the overall article is present and clear to the readers. I noticed some of the information was repeated a few times. Instead of revisiting some topics, you could maybe add more quotes from the men’s hockey team or even include a coach’s perspective. The paragraphs are on the longer side. I think cutting those down a bit will help make it more digestible for the reader. The headline and subheadline work well together and support the information in the article. Nice job!
Jaelen’s Feature
Really interesting article! It was a cool topic and super informative. I think the headline worked well and did a good job focusing the article. I also think your paragraph length worked really well. A couple might have been a little long but for the most part they were nice and concise. It would be interesting to hear from some of the coaches about how they felt the season went. Other than that great job!
Maeve’s Feature
Awesome article! The topic was super interesting. I really liked your headline and felt it did a good job at hooking readers in. I also think that your paragraph lengths worked really well. They were concise and easy to digest. Your quotes were also super interesting and provided good insight into what the partnership between UNE and The Mariners actually is. Great job!
Angelina’s Feature
Great job! This article is super interesting and raises a lot of good points. I never knew there were differences in the rules for hitting between mens and womens hockey. The quotes you used were super informative and I think they worked really well. I think it would be interesting to hear one more perspective on the issue. It felt like we were hearing a lot from Morton and less from everybody else. Other than that I think you could possibly split up some of your paragraphs to make things more digestible. Overall amazing job!
Jaelen
This was a good article and had a very good quotes. The headline and sub were on point and were informative. The stats on players/season were interesting but maybe adding stats of the previous year and such world be good for a comparison. Also, what team was like before and the things they have improved upon. Just adding more of a nut graph would provide a better structure and understanding over the article as a whole. There is a good foundation but a key parts are missing.
Maeve
This was a very interesting article with really good quotes from very key people within the business deal of the University and the Mariners. I liked the comparison and background you gave on the founding of the College of Business within UNE and the time provided on how fast this happened within that time. Though I would try and find students that have or are currently in the program with the Mariners, to get their insights and thoughts on how its working. Also, some of the paragraphs are long but still engaging. Overall, a good article and was fun to read.
Angelina
This was very interesting article and was good evolution of the different dynamics of what the school sports have to offer. I liked the quotes and the people you used to compare what different people thought. Though I would see if the coaches are willing to comment of their thoughts about the matter. They may a perspective that could touched upon. Also, the paragraphs are little long, there a plenty of spots to split them up and make them easier to read. Overall, this was a good article and was very interesting to read.
Angelina: I like your topic a lot and I think you raise some great points but I think your headline and sub-headline should almost be moved down a bit/ I think your sub-headline should be your first paragraph and your headline should be your sub-headline, making your headline something along the lines of “Women Playing in a Man’s Game” since you’re talking about the men getting most of the support despite the woman playing too. I would also shorten/split up your paragraphs they are all too large. And as an overall, your paper is super biased. I think if this were an academic essay you’d get an A, but this is journalism and you have to be as objective as possible. It is very clear on your stance on this situation. Many of your quotes also basically say the same thing, I’d see if you can find some other quotes they said. I really think you wrote a phenomenal paper, it’s just the wrong “voice” if you will. It’s completely biased because you took a stance, you have a thesis at the end of your first paragraph, and all of your quotes basically say the same exact thing almost word for word. Just try and fix it to make it sound more unbiased, shorten paragraphs, and get the variety of quotes and it’ll be perfect!
Maeve: I think your piece is really well written and you did a great job, only thing I’ll say is the second to last paragraph I kind of had to reword some parts because it didn’t sound like it was worded properly but other than that it’s great.
Jaelen: I think your piece is really well written, just watch out for a few grammatical errors and make sure to capitalize people’s majors.
Maeve: I think this is a really interesting and informing story. I had no idea about UNE’s partnership not only with the Mariners but other organizations. I think it’s structured well with all the paragraphs being similarly sized, this gave the piece a good flow and kept me engaged. I also liked the quotes you did use, but I think one piece of advice would be to add more. Other than that, I thought it was great, it was engaging like I said above and it’s about something I was completely uninformed on prior to reading the story, you do a great job giving the information in a way for readers like me to understand what’s going on.
Angelina: This is a very interesting story. One that being an athlete myself, I notice every game day. I think the quotes are strong and are a highlight in the story. One suggestion I have would be to try to find a way to split up some of the paragraphs so the piece can flow. Another thing I’d think about adding would be the records of each team, you say that the woman’s team competes at a similar level as the men’s team, I think adding both of their records then comparing how many people show up to games would be a strong way to show the sexism you talk about throughout the whole piece.
Jaelen: You start with a clear headline and a sub that goes well with it, telling the reader what they can expect out of the article. The rest of the article is structured really well I believe, and the paragraph size makes it very easy to read. The quotes are great as the players where able to give god insight on the issue, and I think the context you provide around the quotes expands on them smoothly. Just be careful of capitalization, and making sure to capitalize majors.
Maeve: Cool headline and word choice to start, it is a great attention grabber. The sub does a good job feeding off the headline and telling us what information to expect. The paragraphs that follow as well as the quotes all work well together. I would say try to get some more quotes and information on the topic. That way you can add more bulk to the piece.
Angelina: Creative headline and word choice, Your lead does a good job telling us about the issue in a nut graph type of way. Its a great topic as well and something interesting to read and find out why this is happening. I would say you could shorten some paragraphs a little bit. This can be done by each paragraph containing one quote or putting the greater context for the quote in a seperate paragraph.
Jaelen Jackson- Mens Basketball Season Overview
I think this is a really good topic to discuss, the mens basketball team on campus does not get a lot of love because of their record so it is good to see the progress they’ve made. I think the structuring is also good as well, when reading it does not feel too long or to the point I lose my focus. Finally I also like the quotes being used, it gives the outsiders good info on the team. Only thing I would look for is grammar fixes and punctuation issues.
Maeve- UNE & Maine Mariners
I think that this topic is a unique topic compared to the majority written. The University gets a lot of help and involvement from many minor league teams for internships and more people should know. Another thing I also enjoy about the article is the information being given throughout. This will give the reader much more knowledge on how these internships works for the students and organization. One thing I would work on is the length of some paragraphs, they are bit longer and could sum them down a bit.
Angelina:
This is a really good piece. The quotes, in my opinion, are strong and stand out in the narrative. To help the text flow, I would suggest trying to figure out how to divide up some of the paragraphs. The records of each team are another item I would consider including. You mention that the women’s team competes on an equal footing with the men’s team, so I believe comparing the attendance at games and comparing the two teams’ records would be a powerful way to illustrate the sexism you discuss throughout the article.
Jaelen’s Feature:
The article does a good job of telling the story of UNE’s basketball season, going over both their successes and struggles. The quotes from players and coaches help make the piece more personal. It clearly explains the team’s challenges, like injuries and tough losses. However, some sections feel a bit repetitive. especially when discussing the team’s goals and their ups and downs during the season. There are also a few awkward sentences and small grammar issues that interrupt the flow. The transitions between different parts of the story could be smoother. Sometimes the tone shifts between being hopeful and critical without much notice, it could be more consistent.
Maeve’s Feature:
The article clearly explains the partnership between UNE and the Maine Mariners, highlighting how both organizations benefit. The focus on real-world skills for students and growth opportunities for the Mariners is clearly communicated. The inclusion of quotes from key figures like Conor Blake and Sam Murray adds credibility and personal insight into the partnership’s success. However, the article could use a little more clarity and flow. Some sentences feel a bit long and could be broken down for better. For instance, the explanation of what the students are doing could be more concise. There’s also some repetition in describing the partnership’s benefits, which could be tightened up. Lastly, a brief mention of specific projects students have worked on could help readers better understand the impact of this collaboration.