To start, I love the headline! It is very catchy and is very engaging. The sub-headline was also very effective. It introduces the person and lets readers know what the piece is about. The lede also works well. It is very informative and fits the piece. It could be interesting to try out an anecdotal lede. It might add some more personality to the profile. The lede is followed by the nutgraf which provides readers with all the background information needed to get a better sense of the person. The following paragraphs use a mix of quotes and telling to discuss her role at UNE. I enjoy that the personal level information is included as well. You get to understand what she is like as a professor and as a person. I also liked that the personal section is included towards the end. The quotes from the students add a lot to the profile. It adds an important perspective. It gives credibility to the person. One thing that could be added is a quote from another professor. I would like to see what a coworker has to say. Another addition could be a quote from a student who traveled to Ireland with her. I imagine that those students know her on another level. Overall, this was really good! I am excited to see the finished product!
Bennett’s Profile
First off, nicely done! I was a little confused by the layout at the top. I didn’t think I saw a headline or a subheadline which are needed in a profile piece. The lede takes an anecdotal approach which I really like. It is very interesting and explains what an ASC is. It lets readers have a better understanding of what the piece is about. One critique is that the lede is too long. It should only be a few sentences long. Some of the things used in the lede could be moved to the subheadline or moved to the following paragraph. The first quote by Lacross is really good. I would avoid the explanation that follows it. Removing “basically” adds more of a professional tone to it. The quotes used throughout the piece do a really good job at elevating it to another level. I liked the quote from the student and it showed how valuable her job is. Another quote from a student would be nice to show the impact she has. It might also be nice to get a quote from another ASC to get a perspective from a coworker. Really good job!
I think that your headline and sub headline work very well together. I think your sub headline is catchy and is a great representation of Ruth. I would maybe change your headline a bit to be a little more specific in a way and include UNE. I really like the positive angle you took on the piece as well, and the first quote is in a good spot. You have a good amount of students who you interviewed and gave good quotes as well. I also liked how you interviewed the director of dining, whom Ruth has to work closely with at all times. Overall I also really liked how you chose to interview Ruth. I feel that she has a really big impact on students and can appeal to all audiences. You talk a lot about her family which is good, as it seems that they are the reason why she is so welcoming and kind. It is also good that you ended with a quote, as you want the person you interviewed to always have the last word. Your second paragraph does seem a bit long however, and should be cut into smaller pieces. You could cut the paragraph after “with made to order sandwiches” and then pull the quote from the third paragraph after that one. Then your nut graf could start with “during her four years here…” Great job overall!
Bennett:
Starting off, I think that looking at your piece as a whole will give you good ideas for a headline and sub headline. I think your first paragraph is a bit long and can definitely be broken up into different pieces. You could cut the paragraph where you say “an ASC is there to help” and have the next few lines in another paragraph. Also in your first paragraph I suggest getting rid of the questions and say that information as a more direct statement. I like the first quote you use as well as introducing her in the paragraph before. I would not start with “Basically” in a paragraph, because it can be seen as less credible compared to a more direct statement. As for your quotes and people you interviewed, I would also suggest interviewing someone who works alongside her and knows how she helps students. This gives your story another angle, focusing on how she really interacts in the colleague setting, rather than a teacher setting. I do really like your last quote, and I think it sums up the rest of your story in a great way. It is always important to have the person being interviewed have the last word, as it is their story to tell.
Lizzie’s Profile
This was an overall very interesting profile to read, especially sense I will taking a class with Siegel for the first time next semester. I liked how you talked about his past film experience, it really drew me in. Having an understanding that I have seen his work in media made me think about him in a different way other than a professor. Some suggestions I would offer would be adding a professor that work with him comments. I like Quinnly’s comments but more perspectives may be nice. Also, having a comment or two from Siegel himself. Another thing is where is the title/sub header, your current title is really long for it to be a header, it’s perfect for sub-header though. Also, some of your paragraphs could be broken up. Like paragraph 9 could be split right after the quote. Also, maybe try to find a quote to end the article with, to give a good punch at the end.
Casey
This was a very good profile, it was interesting to read. I loved the header and sub-header, each drew me into reading more. I liked the quotes used in the article each had a purpose and were introduced nicely. It felt like he was speaking to me. There are couple of things I would add. Firstly, adding more perspectives throughout the profile, from students (who are not his players), players (that may not be his students), and maybe other faculty members (like other coaches). This would give a more rounded understanding to profile. There is a lot of potential for this profile and there is a lot of good information to be heardf about this.
Maeve’s Profile
I enjoyed reading this article! I especially liked that you wrote this article about a student. Most of us decided on a professor or staff member from UNE, so this was a new perspective. I feel like your headline and subheadline go well together and actively describe what is happening in your article. You walk through her journey as a first year at UNE and how far she has come. I think both your headline and subheadline relate to that. The way this is structured makes it easy to read and explains her story well. I’m interested in what quotes you got and who you are going to interview next. Going back to the structure, I think you created a good layout, which sets you up nicely for when you do add more quotes. You mentioned Emme working with President Herbert; that could potentially be an interesting quote to get since they work together alongside some of the dining hall workers or USG members who have seen her journey. I also enjoyed that you showed the reality of having so many things going on. Not only is she a student, but she also holds leadership positions in multiple clubs; it is a lot to take on. Adding her advice is a great way to end this article as she gets the last words and is relatable to those entering UNE. Great Job!
Anthony’s Profile
This is a great start! The topic is very interesting and similar to Maeve’s with focusing on a student. The headline is great; it made me want to read more, and your subheadline worked well in describing the who, what, when, and where. The quotes made this article. They were placed well and kept me engaged the whole time. I also liked how you incorporated the head coach; even though he just said “TBD,” it added to the article. Those who don’t follow sports may not know the honor of being named All-American, and I feel like you described it well. Going into his childhood and journey through football added depth to the article by giving more back story and understanding what he has gone through to be at this level. At the bottom, it looks like you will add quotes from teammates and Jones’s future goals, which is the only thing missing. I would also think about adding more perspectives from the coaching staff since the head coach didn’t give much. It could create more depth with player comments and coaches who work closely with him. Great Job!
I really enjoyed reading your article! Although I have never had a class with Dr. Gordon myself, it was still really interesting to hear about his experiences. I like how you used the quotes and I felt the article flowed really well. With your second paragraph talking about how he played a college sport it would be interesting to hear what sport he actually played. I think you were able to tie his coaching experience into his teaching career very well though. Other than that I think you could maybe break some of the paragraphs up so they are a little shorter. Overall really nicely done!
Maeve:
Really cool article! I think your writing flowed nicely and transitioned from topic to topic really smoothly. I also really liked how your headline and subheadline worked together. I think some of your longer paragraphs could be split up to make everything a little more digestible. Finally I think it would be nice to introduce some quotes from Emma a little bit earlier. You could also include another perspective in the story that could talk about her. Great job!
– I like your lead and it gives good insight for what the story will be about
The nut graph is good, however I think you should replace the first sentence with something more about Tim than just explaining how professors and coaches are completely different
– I really like your angle on this! Showing people how when he got into coaching he had the benefit of also choosing a masters degree in something and chose nutrition so that he could help his player benefit by understanding more about what they need to be eating.
– So far, you only have quotes from Tim himself and one player who was also his student, Max, and I think that getting a quote from Max is great because it shows both sides of who the coach is.
– For upcoming quotes I suggest getting quotes from football players and his students but that are separate so that you can compare and contrast between how he is in both roles.
– I think there is good context for why he wanted to study nutrition and be a professor in it but I think there could be more background on his coaching abilities.
Great job!
Sydneys Profile:
– I like your lead! It is short but also gives context into what you will be discussing about Norman
– I really liked the wording in your nut graph, such as “ambitious goals” and “track record of success” it makes the article sound very professional and explains what is going on in the story
– In the third paragraph you say “He has pushed a lot in the last 5 months…” and I think that you should explain some of the things he has pushed for either later in the story or elaborate sooner
– Great job giving background and context, you told his story in a way that is easy to understand and shows off his credentials in a positive way while, like explaining where he went to college, his books he has written along with case studies and journal articles, while also throwing in some fun facts, like his athletic career.
– I really enjoyed your quotes and how you got quotes from more than one professor in the college of business and you also got some of his students to give positive feedback of him
– One person I think would be cool to quote would be the President of UNE, and see what sparked his interest in hiring O’Reilly and what made him stand out over other candidates
– Overall I really enjoyed reading this article and it is structured in a way that is easy to understand, and does a great job of highlighting things about O’Rielly.
Natalie
For starters I like how you did a profile on the arts program student and not on a specific program, doing this allows you do be able to interview and get as much information you want not just from one person. I also like the size of your paragraphs throughout the article, it makes the reading nice and simple for someone reading this to understand. Finally I enjoyed the quotes being used, telling everyone that Orlando’s plan was not to go to art School and how his emotions changed overtime will help. I think for suggestions maybe have one of his teachers or students Orlando has worked with or seen his art would help this piece.
Quinnly
I really like this article for the fact that we get to look at professor Woodworth’s growth as a teacher overall throughout her time. I also really enjoy the choice of information being used, it gives the reader an understanding why she wanted to teach and how she enjoys it. Finally I like how she talked about her departure all around the world and how she has found her way back to Maine. One thing I would suggest is maybe having a bit of a more interesting title to get the readers attention earlier, in my opinion it works for sure but is a little boring.
Wes this was a great article, you had some great points and some good quotes. I have a couple suggestions and one of them is to have a headline and a sub so we can know what we are reading about without going into the story blind and not knowing what it is about. I would also keep the font and the font color the same thing so the story doesn’t look messy when looking at it. You had a great end quote and I liked that you ended with who the story was about. I think that made it so much more meaningful. You had great background information on Ray and how he started basketball which was great. I would also make all paragraphs almost the same size, not exact but something that is consistent. Your first paragraph is very long for what I am guessing could be the sub? So I would definitely try and break it up and just keep the most important information that is needed to know for the rest of the story. I would also get rid of the indents your have on the first three paragraphs because after those paragraphs there isn’t an indent. But overall you had some great information!
Natalie:
I think you highlighted such an interesting person, because we do not hear much from the art program and what it is like for them. You had great background information on Orlando and how she chose UNE and how she is a minoring in Education, those were great additions to the story. I don’t really know much about the art community here so reading Orlando’s story was great to read and understand. The only suggestion I have is to just break up a couple of your last paragraphs because at the beginning of your article the paragraphs are all relatively short and equal but get longer as the story goes on. So maybe just splitting those up will make it easier to read and not overwhelming. But overall a great story!
Quinley-
I like the angle you took on this, like reflecting on her life and work with the idea in mind she’s leaving UNE and retiring. I liked that you ended with a quote, and it was suggested that Woodworth said it, you might want to specify. I liked how you with your words sort of took us around the world with her career, it was really interesting in this way. One comment I could make is that you used a lot of the same students quotes in a row to vouch for Woodworth’s credibility. It felt repetitive almost and I wondered if there were any other perspective you could get on her. In the sixth paragraph there was also a typo where “but” was capitalized though there wasn’t a period before that. It just added a little confusion for me. I also feel like the headline and the sub were sort of the same thing, rewording might make it more interesting.
Wes-
I liked this story, and I think you were a good person to vouch for this person because it seemed like you understood their perspective well. I did notice you were missing a headline and a subhead line; it was just confusing because I didn’t know what to expect going in or what to refer back to for your larger theme. I like that you included another quote other than from your original guy. I also think some of the paragraphs could be broken up because they felt long and hard to read. I really liked that you ended with a quote and that also you added “laughed” instead of just “said” it felt like it added personality, and you captured his personality well.
Lizzie:
-Your heading and sub is attention grabbing and gets me more interested in this part of Siegels story. I think developing this part of the story more with some quotes from him about the challenges of this would be great!
-You have lots of great information on Professor Siegel and the content is very well written out and easy to read, as well as very interesting.
-Some quotes from Siegel about how he got into film in the first place, and how he was able to land some pretty major roles would go well with the content.
-The quotes from Quinnly and Amanda are great, they capture his character very well, as I have had had 4 classes with him myself.
-Great draft with lots of good information, some quotes from Siegel will help to get to know him even more.
-Possibly a quote from Cripps about the impact Siegel has made on the communications department in such a short time would add to this also.
Sydney:
-Your heading and sub work great together and I instantly know what I will be reading about.
-The quotes flow really well with the content, easy to read and understand.
-I like the student and faculty quotes, they back up everything you say about Norm.
-Cool Idea of your first quote being from someone else other than Norm. It puts the idea that he is well liked and impacts many people in my head right away.
-nice quote to wrap up the profile.
-I thought it was cool how you bolded the first letter when you spelled out the acronym “STRIVES”, another thing that makes this easy to read.
-Great draft! lots of info
Anthony highlights Danien Jones, UNE’s first nationally recognized player. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this article and it was structured extremely well. I enjoyed how the story began, right into the facts of the date and what Jones has accomplished. Something that I also enjoyed was how you not only highlighted the person but how it has been considered a big milestone for UNE’s young football program. I would recommend small changes to your piece to make it stronger. One thing I noticed was in the second paragraph of the second page. The wording of the first sentence is worded a little odd and I believe if you are able to reword that paragraph you will be able to portray to the readers how important it was to Jones that he was able to achieve these huge accomplishments in his first year at UNE. Other than that I would simply just work on getting your final interviews. The quotes will help add more layers and credibility to your piece. One thing that is complicated that you have done is expect the coach to say specific things. When you add quotes into the sections that say “TBD” just make sure that you go back and make sure the introduction to the quote still makes sense. Overall, this was a good article and a good start.
Abby
Abby highlights Dr. Kiernan Gordan who is an Associate Professor and Director of the Sports Leaders and Management. In this piece I enjoyed how you incorporated Sydney into this story. The choice of adding one of his students added credibility to Gordan and proved that he is not only a great professor but has left long lasting impressions on people. I liked that you used Gordins quotes to lead this story, but at some points you used his words when they could have easily been portrayed by yourself. For example, in the seventh paragraph I don’t believe that you needed a quote. Instead use quotes from him that will be able to lead your story like the quotes in paragraph three. I would consider creating a more intriguing headline, I like how right now it is simple and right to the point but making it more interesting may hook people in a little more. Another thing that I would also consider working on is your hook. I like it right now because it holds all of the information you need to portray to the readers but by writing this in a way that catches the reader’s attention will help you out in the long run.
11 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 18”
Elizabeth’s Profile
To start, I love the headline! It is very catchy and is very engaging. The sub-headline was also very effective. It introduces the person and lets readers know what the piece is about. The lede also works well. It is very informative and fits the piece. It could be interesting to try out an anecdotal lede. It might add some more personality to the profile. The lede is followed by the nutgraf which provides readers with all the background information needed to get a better sense of the person. The following paragraphs use a mix of quotes and telling to discuss her role at UNE. I enjoy that the personal level information is included as well. You get to understand what she is like as a professor and as a person. I also liked that the personal section is included towards the end. The quotes from the students add a lot to the profile. It adds an important perspective. It gives credibility to the person. One thing that could be added is a quote from another professor. I would like to see what a coworker has to say. Another addition could be a quote from a student who traveled to Ireland with her. I imagine that those students know her on another level. Overall, this was really good! I am excited to see the finished product!
Bennett’s Profile
First off, nicely done! I was a little confused by the layout at the top. I didn’t think I saw a headline or a subheadline which are needed in a profile piece. The lede takes an anecdotal approach which I really like. It is very interesting and explains what an ASC is. It lets readers have a better understanding of what the piece is about. One critique is that the lede is too long. It should only be a few sentences long. Some of the things used in the lede could be moved to the subheadline or moved to the following paragraph. The first quote by Lacross is really good. I would avoid the explanation that follows it. Removing “basically” adds more of a professional tone to it. The quotes used throughout the piece do a really good job at elevating it to another level. I liked the quote from the student and it showed how valuable her job is. Another quote from a student would be nice to show the impact she has. It might also be nice to get a quote from another ASC to get a perspective from a coworker. Really good job!
Jadyn:
I think that your headline and sub headline work very well together. I think your sub headline is catchy and is a great representation of Ruth. I would maybe change your headline a bit to be a little more specific in a way and include UNE. I really like the positive angle you took on the piece as well, and the first quote is in a good spot. You have a good amount of students who you interviewed and gave good quotes as well. I also liked how you interviewed the director of dining, whom Ruth has to work closely with at all times. Overall I also really liked how you chose to interview Ruth. I feel that she has a really big impact on students and can appeal to all audiences. You talk a lot about her family which is good, as it seems that they are the reason why she is so welcoming and kind. It is also good that you ended with a quote, as you want the person you interviewed to always have the last word. Your second paragraph does seem a bit long however, and should be cut into smaller pieces. You could cut the paragraph after “with made to order sandwiches” and then pull the quote from the third paragraph after that one. Then your nut graf could start with “during her four years here…” Great job overall!
Bennett:
Starting off, I think that looking at your piece as a whole will give you good ideas for a headline and sub headline. I think your first paragraph is a bit long and can definitely be broken up into different pieces. You could cut the paragraph where you say “an ASC is there to help” and have the next few lines in another paragraph. Also in your first paragraph I suggest getting rid of the questions and say that information as a more direct statement. I like the first quote you use as well as introducing her in the paragraph before. I would not start with “Basically” in a paragraph, because it can be seen as less credible compared to a more direct statement. As for your quotes and people you interviewed, I would also suggest interviewing someone who works alongside her and knows how she helps students. This gives your story another angle, focusing on how she really interacts in the colleague setting, rather than a teacher setting. I do really like your last quote, and I think it sums up the rest of your story in a great way. It is always important to have the person being interviewed have the last word, as it is their story to tell.
Lizzie’s Profile
This was an overall very interesting profile to read, especially sense I will taking a class with Siegel for the first time next semester. I liked how you talked about his past film experience, it really drew me in. Having an understanding that I have seen his work in media made me think about him in a different way other than a professor. Some suggestions I would offer would be adding a professor that work with him comments. I like Quinnly’s comments but more perspectives may be nice. Also, having a comment or two from Siegel himself. Another thing is where is the title/sub header, your current title is really long for it to be a header, it’s perfect for sub-header though. Also, some of your paragraphs could be broken up. Like paragraph 9 could be split right after the quote. Also, maybe try to find a quote to end the article with, to give a good punch at the end.
Casey
This was a very good profile, it was interesting to read. I loved the header and sub-header, each drew me into reading more. I liked the quotes used in the article each had a purpose and were introduced nicely. It felt like he was speaking to me. There are couple of things I would add. Firstly, adding more perspectives throughout the profile, from students (who are not his players), players (that may not be his students), and maybe other faculty members (like other coaches). This would give a more rounded understanding to profile. There is a lot of potential for this profile and there is a lot of good information to be heardf about this.
Maeve’s Profile
I enjoyed reading this article! I especially liked that you wrote this article about a student. Most of us decided on a professor or staff member from UNE, so this was a new perspective. I feel like your headline and subheadline go well together and actively describe what is happening in your article. You walk through her journey as a first year at UNE and how far she has come. I think both your headline and subheadline relate to that. The way this is structured makes it easy to read and explains her story well. I’m interested in what quotes you got and who you are going to interview next. Going back to the structure, I think you created a good layout, which sets you up nicely for when you do add more quotes. You mentioned Emme working with President Herbert; that could potentially be an interesting quote to get since they work together alongside some of the dining hall workers or USG members who have seen her journey. I also enjoyed that you showed the reality of having so many things going on. Not only is she a student, but she also holds leadership positions in multiple clubs; it is a lot to take on. Adding her advice is a great way to end this article as she gets the last words and is relatable to those entering UNE. Great Job!
Anthony’s Profile
This is a great start! The topic is very interesting and similar to Maeve’s with focusing on a student. The headline is great; it made me want to read more, and your subheadline worked well in describing the who, what, when, and where. The quotes made this article. They were placed well and kept me engaged the whole time. I also liked how you incorporated the head coach; even though he just said “TBD,” it added to the article. Those who don’t follow sports may not know the honor of being named All-American, and I feel like you described it well. Going into his childhood and journey through football added depth to the article by giving more back story and understanding what he has gone through to be at this level. At the bottom, it looks like you will add quotes from teammates and Jones’s future goals, which is the only thing missing. I would also think about adding more perspectives from the coaching staff since the head coach didn’t give much. It could create more depth with player comments and coaches who work closely with him. Great Job!
Abby:
I really enjoyed reading your article! Although I have never had a class with Dr. Gordon myself, it was still really interesting to hear about his experiences. I like how you used the quotes and I felt the article flowed really well. With your second paragraph talking about how he played a college sport it would be interesting to hear what sport he actually played. I think you were able to tie his coaching experience into his teaching career very well though. Other than that I think you could maybe break some of the paragraphs up so they are a little shorter. Overall really nicely done!
Maeve:
Really cool article! I think your writing flowed nicely and transitioned from topic to topic really smoothly. I also really liked how your headline and subheadline worked together. I think some of your longer paragraphs could be split up to make everything a little more digestible. Finally I think it would be nice to introduce some quotes from Emma a little bit earlier. You could also include another perspective in the story that could talk about her. Great job!
Caseys Profile:
– I like your lead and it gives good insight for what the story will be about
The nut graph is good, however I think you should replace the first sentence with something more about Tim than just explaining how professors and coaches are completely different
– I really like your angle on this! Showing people how when he got into coaching he had the benefit of also choosing a masters degree in something and chose nutrition so that he could help his player benefit by understanding more about what they need to be eating.
– So far, you only have quotes from Tim himself and one player who was also his student, Max, and I think that getting a quote from Max is great because it shows both sides of who the coach is.
– For upcoming quotes I suggest getting quotes from football players and his students but that are separate so that you can compare and contrast between how he is in both roles.
– I think there is good context for why he wanted to study nutrition and be a professor in it but I think there could be more background on his coaching abilities.
Great job!
Sydneys Profile:
– I like your lead! It is short but also gives context into what you will be discussing about Norman
– I really liked the wording in your nut graph, such as “ambitious goals” and “track record of success” it makes the article sound very professional and explains what is going on in the story
– In the third paragraph you say “He has pushed a lot in the last 5 months…” and I think that you should explain some of the things he has pushed for either later in the story or elaborate sooner
– Great job giving background and context, you told his story in a way that is easy to understand and shows off his credentials in a positive way while, like explaining where he went to college, his books he has written along with case studies and journal articles, while also throwing in some fun facts, like his athletic career.
– I really enjoyed your quotes and how you got quotes from more than one professor in the college of business and you also got some of his students to give positive feedback of him
– One person I think would be cool to quote would be the President of UNE, and see what sparked his interest in hiring O’Reilly and what made him stand out over other candidates
– Overall I really enjoyed reading this article and it is structured in a way that is easy to understand, and does a great job of highlighting things about O’Rielly.
Natalie
For starters I like how you did a profile on the arts program student and not on a specific program, doing this allows you do be able to interview and get as much information you want not just from one person. I also like the size of your paragraphs throughout the article, it makes the reading nice and simple for someone reading this to understand. Finally I enjoyed the quotes being used, telling everyone that Orlando’s plan was not to go to art School and how his emotions changed overtime will help. I think for suggestions maybe have one of his teachers or students Orlando has worked with or seen his art would help this piece.
Quinnly
I really like this article for the fact that we get to look at professor Woodworth’s growth as a teacher overall throughout her time. I also really enjoy the choice of information being used, it gives the reader an understanding why she wanted to teach and how she enjoys it. Finally I like how she talked about her departure all around the world and how she has found her way back to Maine. One thing I would suggest is maybe having a bit of a more interesting title to get the readers attention earlier, in my opinion it works for sure but is a little boring.
Wes:
Wes this was a great article, you had some great points and some good quotes. I have a couple suggestions and one of them is to have a headline and a sub so we can know what we are reading about without going into the story blind and not knowing what it is about. I would also keep the font and the font color the same thing so the story doesn’t look messy when looking at it. You had a great end quote and I liked that you ended with who the story was about. I think that made it so much more meaningful. You had great background information on Ray and how he started basketball which was great. I would also make all paragraphs almost the same size, not exact but something that is consistent. Your first paragraph is very long for what I am guessing could be the sub? So I would definitely try and break it up and just keep the most important information that is needed to know for the rest of the story. I would also get rid of the indents your have on the first three paragraphs because after those paragraphs there isn’t an indent. But overall you had some great information!
Natalie:
I think you highlighted such an interesting person, because we do not hear much from the art program and what it is like for them. You had great background information on Orlando and how she chose UNE and how she is a minoring in Education, those were great additions to the story. I don’t really know much about the art community here so reading Orlando’s story was great to read and understand. The only suggestion I have is to just break up a couple of your last paragraphs because at the beginning of your article the paragraphs are all relatively short and equal but get longer as the story goes on. So maybe just splitting those up will make it easier to read and not overwhelming. But overall a great story!
Quinley-
I like the angle you took on this, like reflecting on her life and work with the idea in mind she’s leaving UNE and retiring. I liked that you ended with a quote, and it was suggested that Woodworth said it, you might want to specify. I liked how you with your words sort of took us around the world with her career, it was really interesting in this way. One comment I could make is that you used a lot of the same students quotes in a row to vouch for Woodworth’s credibility. It felt repetitive almost and I wondered if there were any other perspective you could get on her. In the sixth paragraph there was also a typo where “but” was capitalized though there wasn’t a period before that. It just added a little confusion for me. I also feel like the headline and the sub were sort of the same thing, rewording might make it more interesting.
Wes-
I liked this story, and I think you were a good person to vouch for this person because it seemed like you understood their perspective well. I did notice you were missing a headline and a subhead line; it was just confusing because I didn’t know what to expect going in or what to refer back to for your larger theme. I like that you included another quote other than from your original guy. I also think some of the paragraphs could be broken up because they felt long and hard to read. I really liked that you ended with a quote and that also you added “laughed” instead of just “said” it felt like it added personality, and you captured his personality well.
Lizzie:
-Your heading and sub is attention grabbing and gets me more interested in this part of Siegels story. I think developing this part of the story more with some quotes from him about the challenges of this would be great!
-You have lots of great information on Professor Siegel and the content is very well written out and easy to read, as well as very interesting.
-Some quotes from Siegel about how he got into film in the first place, and how he was able to land some pretty major roles would go well with the content.
-The quotes from Quinnly and Amanda are great, they capture his character very well, as I have had had 4 classes with him myself.
-Great draft with lots of good information, some quotes from Siegel will help to get to know him even more.
-Possibly a quote from Cripps about the impact Siegel has made on the communications department in such a short time would add to this also.
Sydney:
-Your heading and sub work great together and I instantly know what I will be reading about.
-The quotes flow really well with the content, easy to read and understand.
-I like the student and faculty quotes, they back up everything you say about Norm.
-Cool Idea of your first quote being from someone else other than Norm. It puts the idea that he is well liked and impacts many people in my head right away.
-nice quote to wrap up the profile.
-I thought it was cool how you bolded the first letter when you spelled out the acronym “STRIVES”, another thing that makes this easy to read.
-Great draft! lots of info
Anthony
Anthony highlights Danien Jones, UNE’s first nationally recognized player. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this article and it was structured extremely well. I enjoyed how the story began, right into the facts of the date and what Jones has accomplished. Something that I also enjoyed was how you not only highlighted the person but how it has been considered a big milestone for UNE’s young football program. I would recommend small changes to your piece to make it stronger. One thing I noticed was in the second paragraph of the second page. The wording of the first sentence is worded a little odd and I believe if you are able to reword that paragraph you will be able to portray to the readers how important it was to Jones that he was able to achieve these huge accomplishments in his first year at UNE. Other than that I would simply just work on getting your final interviews. The quotes will help add more layers and credibility to your piece. One thing that is complicated that you have done is expect the coach to say specific things. When you add quotes into the sections that say “TBD” just make sure that you go back and make sure the introduction to the quote still makes sense. Overall, this was a good article and a good start.
Abby
Abby highlights Dr. Kiernan Gordan who is an Associate Professor and Director of the Sports Leaders and Management. In this piece I enjoyed how you incorporated Sydney into this story. The choice of adding one of his students added credibility to Gordan and proved that he is not only a great professor but has left long lasting impressions on people. I liked that you used Gordins quotes to lead this story, but at some points you used his words when they could have easily been portrayed by yourself. For example, in the seventh paragraph I don’t believe that you needed a quote. Instead use quotes from him that will be able to lead your story like the quotes in paragraph three. I would consider creating a more intriguing headline, I like how right now it is simple and right to the point but making it more interesting may hook people in a little more. Another thing that I would also consider working on is your hook. I like it right now because it holds all of the information you need to portray to the readers but by writing this in a way that catches the reader’s attention will help you out in the long run.