Cole:
Lead: LOVE headline and the anecdotal approach to the lead. I think it has great character and personality, AND it draws readers in. If I were to change anything, I would maybe mention UNE somewhere in there, but honestly I like it as is.
People Interviewed/Quotes: I love the wide array of voices you’ve collected! I think maybe one other one you could potentially use is someone who has been injured while living on a higher floor? Or possibly relevant faculty? But I think you have a good number of different perspectives already. Additionally, I think you’ve incorporated quotes well, as they’re not too long, and not too short.
Context/backstory: I think maybe looking into the history of the buildings could be beneficial, asking “Why is Featherman the only accessible one?” or “Is it possible to make the others more accessible?”
Impact/audience: I think that this is a much needed investigation, as I personally know a lot of people who have struggled with accessibility coordination on campus, so I think that this story could go VERY far.
Sarah Bedore:
Lead: While I like the fact that the lead is very informative, I think you can swap some of that info with context relevant to UNE, like what the specific UNE mail room problems are. I would also pare down the subhead a bit, as I think it’s a little wordy. But, I think you have a great topic to work with.
People Interviewed/Quotes: It’s awesome that you interviewed someone with so much experience in the mailroom! I would suggest, to maybe make your piece more dimensional, you could interview fellow students, to get to more sides of the issue.
Impact/audience: I think most residential students have had their share of mailroom struggles, so I think that this piece could be popular among students, especially because you propose potentially new policies coming for the mailroom.
Caitlin:
Lead: I really like this lead, and I think it juggles all of the factors mentioned in the piece in a very balanced way.
People Interviewed/Quotes: I think it would be very interesting if you interview a student who has lived both on and off campus, to compare the costs. Additionally, I think you could also talk to current residential students about the housing costs, compared to what they’re getting for their money.
Impact/audience: I think, especially with your use of actual data, that this piece really reflects one of the bigger student dilemmas on campus currently. I think it’s super important to talk about, so great job picking this concept!
Caitlin
Immediately, your lead is engaging and interesting, especially with the inclusion of numbers and background for UNE’s appeal as a college. I would mention in this introduction that UNE is a private school, as it is not state-funded, and that may be why costs are so high. I would also explain what Featherman is (freshman housing) since it is not mentioned; incoming students may not know that. Your figures are great; they add a nice visual for the reader to conceptualize the costs per semester broken into living types. Your attributions to housing, dining, security, and financial aid add fantastic credibility, and it is clear you have done your research. I also like how you dated when this information was received, making it relevant to current residents. The storytelling comes in when you begin talking about rent places off-campus. It is great to have a comparison to the costs UNE elicits, trying to answer the question of your heading about potentially too-high living costs here. The impact begins to show up here as well, as you move into the “college experience” aspect, asking if UNE is hurting itself when it comes to student housing. The audience could be incoming students, current residents, or anyone concerned about housing prices at UNE.
Cole
I love your headline; the tone is immediately set. Your angle takes an investigative approach with other students and RA’s voicing their concerns about quad accessibility. I would suggest moving the quotes to their own lines since the paragraphs get kind of long and feel – almost – academic. Your interviews flow well in the piece; I appreciate how much work you put into finding people who have different perspectives on dorm life. The context comes in as you write; I totally forgot about having accessible bathrooms and showers, so I am glad you covered this. The impact comes in with the second RA you interviewed, how she almost laughed at the fact that this was never even addressed during training. It is hard to see the lack of care given to students in varying circumstances, and also the space issues with double rooms used as triples and the opposite for Featherman’s rooms. I am curious if you could get some input from a staff member here at UNE to see their take on this matter. Someone in housing or at the accessibility center could add an interesting perspective. Overall, I found this interesting to read, and the delivery is easy to understand.
Kristen
As you begin your feature, the reader is immediately immersed in the story of the shark boat. I like how your lead is shrouded in mystery, suggesting something terrible happened without saying quite what yet. It provides a good backstory on the UNE’s Marine Program and research prestige. I also like how you jump into the quote from Dr. Tilburg, it quashes any gossip straightaway. The draw in stating the myth surrounding this incident having greater implications is really interesting and makes your reader want to keep going. As for interviews, it is good to hear from the director of the Marine program, and then a student involved in research to discuss the importance of the vessels for the program. The storytelling here is great, you propose that there are transparency issues from the school itself, even falsely listing the vessel on the website. As of now, I do not have any suggestions except for perhaps getting one more interview? I am not sure who with, but maybe another student who believed the rumor if you could find one. Also in your subheading you could remove the word “most” as it seems to imply this has happened more than once.
Sarah
I think I would move “UNE” from your headline into your subheadline, as it works better as context there. Your lead breaks down how the mailroom works on campus well and begins giving the context for why you are telling this story. Interviewing a mailroom worker was a good choice, and I am glad you discussed the issue of understaffing. I wonder if you could interview a student who dislikes the timeliness of the mailroom’s operations. From what you discuss, the mailroom seems like a decent job, I am curious as to why it is so understaffed. Could the mailroom potentially market their need for student workers more? I know a fair amount of people that would like to work on campus, so why is this the case?
It is nice to hear that there are potential solutions to this issue, and I wonder if there are any plans potentially in the works to implement this method you described. Overall this is a decent draft, but there could be more perspectives included to add further context and impact. Input from disgruntled students and potentially a staff member from the university could provide good insight.
Cole:
I really enjoyed this piece, and your anecdotal lede and headline are doing a great job of opening the story in a way that keeps me engaged, wanting to know more, and keep reading. Talking with multiple RAs is a great way to gain information from the administrative side of things as they work for the school, but above all, they are students too. There are two or three pretty big paragraphs, and as you keep drafting and organizing your thoughts, it might help to keep what we have said in class in mind and find the natural breaking points. Especially when you have such great quotes with impact from the RA’s, having those able to stand out would be good. Another aspect of your story that I find very interesting is how you are able to expand into a larger critique of how UNE might be able to work on better housing practices in general. I wonder if this is something that you want to continue to develop that you could maybe get a few quotes from students living in triples meant to be doubles and get their first-hand experience into the story. Also, it might help as you find the focus/angle to see if you could lay out how you have more to say about UNE’s use of accommodations earlier in the story.
Kristen:
I love this story, and you do such a great job of maintaining that element of formality, even though the story is a bit humorous. Your headline and subhead showcase that balance as you leave the headline more open-ended, with the reader not quite sure what direction the article is heading. Then, as you continue reading into the subhead, I am compelled to keep reading! One minor formatting/style comment I have is to look into the indents of your paragraphs and see if you want to keep those all aligned left. Moving into your quotes, I like how you started with the comments from Dr. Tilburg and then framed the rest of the article by looking at how such a simple explanation could have so many conspiracies. I also like how you are able to use the story to draw attention to the more significant implications of what happens when certain situations aren’t disclosed to the public, and I found that your quote from Payne has a lot of impact regarding this.
Caitlin:
This is a super interesting story, and I think the headline does a good job of providing the aim of the story – a subheadline as you keep drafting might help add some context and can be another way to hook the reader in. Your lede is concise but has good information as to what you will be talking about, and I like how you phrased the tuition as “daunting.” A minor suggestion for the lede would be to remove the Biddeford ME as we don’t need it in a feature story and because you provide that situational context right there in your lede with UNE. Your following paragraphs/nutgraph highlight a ton of great statistics. The only thing I am wondering is how you might integrate the chart – it is a super helpful visual that you could ask in the workshop and see what others think. I like the angle you bring to the end of the piece in working in UNE’s well-known motto of working toward a “healthier planet” and then opening up the conversation to the tuition price, barring that education for students who want to work in that atmosphere.
Sarah Bedore:
I like how your headline and subheading are able to work together to hook the reader in and then expand on some of the specifics of your article – really nice flow. Your lede has a lot of information and is a bit on the longer side. However, one thing I was thinking about when I tried to narrow my lede is to see what information is still crucial to the story but could work better elsewhere and free up some space to add that more feature story quality to the lede with less formality and maybe some creative hook to keep us moving through the article. I like the quote from Lapirere and how you have embedded her statements within the narrative of your piece so it feels like a conversation rather than just lone quotes on their own. As you go about editing and working on this story, one thing I might like to see as a reader would be the side of the staff who work in the mail room who aren’t students – it might be able to help your angle when you talk about the communication problem between students who work and want to pick up packages and the mail facilities staff.
Cole
I liked your feature a lot. It is so unbelievably true and extremely frustrating about housing. But there are some things that could be edited like for example the large paragraphs could be broken down so it’s easier to read and formatted. I also think that it needs at least a few interviews, one with housing, maybe an RA and a person that has had the issues you are bringing up in the angle of it all. I don’t know if you have the interviews already as it is a draft, but It will give this piece credibility which will make it whole. I feel like you definitely have a focus to bring up the issue but it needs maybe an ending with multiple ways to have solutions for this.
Kristen
I like how the story telling in it presented the issue. But I think that your angle has shifted while writing this story from what happened to the shark boat to more of what didn’t happen. After finding the truth I feel like you gave more unanswered questions as statements in the end. Just with how the boat is being mentioned about the funding and what not.
Caitlin
I liked the lead. It has good story telling and a clear angle. I would add some attributions for your statistics you are presenting. As well as interviews with housing and maybe seniors or students that have gotten off campus and live off campus and without campus resources. I think that this is good and keeps its point throughout the story and it keeps the angle you are presenting sharp. The paragraphs need to be a bit smaller as they seem kind of large and scary.
Sarah Bedore
Find interviews maybe about the issues that are going on. Maybe a student that’s picked up mail or was giving mail that wasn’t there. It’s got a clear good angle in this and the storytelling is good just needs some drafting like incorporating more quotes to it.
Cole:
I think the lead could use a little bit of re-wording and directly reference the problem you are researching. The five buildings and one having an elevator line would fit really well in the lead and would give it just a little bit more of a focus. Continuing through the story it is very well written and the people interviewed fit well into the story however a way to expand would be directly interviewing someone who has first hand experience with this lack of handicap accessibility. Where you mention the room sizes and amount of people in a room if you found it valuable you could elaborate on that a bit more. Overall I think this piece is addressing a very important dilemma with lots of information.
Kristen:
While I think the lead is really good, an idea to hook the reader in a bit more would be to add inn components from the next paragraph to make the lead more mysterious and finding ways to continue this theme that isn’t very well known and you are digging up the facts on. Maybe I didn’t pick up on it but maybe speaking to someone in the marine science department to get some more ideas to incorporate. Overall this piece was very well written and structured and does a really good job of explaining the events that took place around something that is very much on the down low.
Caitlin:
The lead in this story is very clear and sets the tone for what the reader will be investigating. While I believe there is a lot of valuable information such as the graphs, another aspect to add to the story would be to interview students affected by this. In addition I think financial departments would have lots of information to share in regards to what students are paying. I think it is also important to address the reality of UNE being a private school and they don’t receive funding from the state and how this may influence their need to demand from the students. However I can say the article is very focused and clearly discussing the topic at hand and provides a strong foundation of information.
Sarach Bedore:
In the lead I think more elaboration would be very beneficial. Throughout reading the article there are some structural components and grammar that could use attention when working towards a final draft. Going off of structure adding a bit more of a conclusion. While having the students perspective is informational there is only one interview incorporated in the piece and with a story having multiple components I think those multiple voices are very important to convey the message. Speaking to someone in the mail department about the functionings of the mail room would be very beneficial. With some minor adjustments I think this piece is going to be very well written.
Caitlin ,
Your lead could do with some revision, as it could be punched up a bit. Mostly just making it more dramatic. Also, I’d probably break it up a bit; your lead is one long sentence with commas, where it would probably make more sense as 2-3 shorter sentences. A possible area for the “hook” could be in your sub headline.
I think your angle is clear and relevant. Most UNE students are aware of the high costs of living on campus, but seeing it broken down the way you did is an interesting new look.
It looks like you don’t have any interviews, but I think your article could benefit from them. I’d try to get at least 1 interview with the housing coordinator at UNE, as well as possibly speaking with students about their experiences with university housing.
While you don’t have interviews, I think the information you include is relevant and I like the formatting in tables. It might be interesting to have a comparison to other schools (other private schools in Maine/New England) or a comparison of housing costs at UNE in the past.
The context given here is solid. As I mentioned previously, it might be nice to talk about past costs at UNE, or maybe even talking about how much money is being made total based on the increases to tuition and student numbers.
You could add more storytelling. I think the best way to insert a narrative would be to take all the great informational content you have and roll it into a discussion of how the tuition has increased and how it compares to other universities.
Your impact and audience is pretty good, although it might be nice to have a punchier ending. I’m just not sure how environmental justice relates.
Cole,
Your lead is interesting and presents an intriguing entry to your article. I might just include a specification that the issue is with lack of accessibility.
Your angle is clear, and important. I’d just wonder about how it could be interesting to those who don’t need a ramp/elevator. I also feel as though part of your article is about triples in the quad, which is not as relevant directly to your story.
Your interviews with RA’s are good, but it would be awesome to figure out and get in contact with whoever is responsible for handicap access to the school; if not that, possibly someone from housing who could speak on the lack of accessibility in the quad.
Your quotes need to be broken up into their own paragraphs. Otherwise, I think they’re relevant to your story.
Your article could benefit from adding context about when most of the dorms were built and possibly other accessibility changes made to campus in the past.
Storytelling is solid. You have a strong lead and story throughout. It would be good to include a perspective with someone who has to contend with the lack of accessibility. You could add in a blurb about their experiences and thread that in as a central storyline.
You could probably make the ending of your story a bit more hard hitting by speaking about how the lack of accessibility affects students on campus, or how it’s an issue of letting everybody participate in the campus life. I think there’s certainly a audience for your piece, as I’ve known plenty of people with an injury or disability that have contended with UNE’s accessibility.
Kristen,
You could increase the excitement of your lead by talking about the loss of the shark boat; being more specific in the details of the loss, or simply making it out to be a mysterious occurrence.
I think your angle is very strong; even if you’re not a marine major, it’s still interesting to hear about an on-campus mystery.
I like your interviews with faculty and staff. It would be nice to get some definitive answers about if the boat was recovered or written off by someone high up in the Marine Science Department.
Your use of quotes is adequate, although I’m less sure about the relevance of the student interview. It would be more interesting to your story to talk to some people near the start of the article to get information about what they think happened.
I do think the context surrounding the stories about the sinking could be expanded on. I’d just like more examples of student stories surrounding it (also a good way to increase interest).
Your storytelling is interesting, although I think the point of the article is a little unclear, as in I initially thought the article would be focused around the sinking itself, not about the stories around it. In your lead, I think it could be interesting to have a bit of a dramatic statement around the boat’s sinking.
I think you have impact and audience under control. The mystery surrounding the sinking is interesting to basically anyone at UNE, and your article serves to sort of dispel some of the more far fetched retellings of the story, which I think is a good impact to aim for in the reporting of news.
Sarah,
I think your lead could definitely be made into a more interesting start to your article. It’s very matter of fact, whereas it could benefit from simply being told in a more intriguing way. Possibly just talking about specifically someone who couldn’t receive their package, etc.
In terms of angle, I think it’s relevant and understandable from a residential aspect. I just think you could possibly make the article focus on the lack of work-study students as a part of the issue more.
I think your interview with Juliann was relevant, but it would be great to hear from someone who works in the central mail facility. I’m sure you could call or email them, or even go in and ask them some questions.
Your use of quotes is alright, but I’d be interested in hearing both from a student who’s mail was too late for something important and a full time employee at the central mail processing area. I think your quotation formatting is good.
You have adequate context to back up your article. I think getting in contact with someone in the central mailroom could help explain why there is the backup/backlog or late packages arriving.
You have good factual/concrete information, but you need to flesh out the storytelling aspect. I think you could present the issue from the standpoint of a student who missed a package or wasn’t able to receive one in your lead to make it more dramatic.
In terms of impact and audience, it is relevant to residential students, although you could work on your impact. Maybe talking about what other similarly sized colleges do for mail? Or just putting in a part about how the mailroom really needs student staffers; your article could act as a solution to the problems you point out.
Caitlin-
I love of the headline starts with the question presented still in the way of a question which makes the reader know what the essay is and getting right into the thinking. I love how many stats and graphs you have in the piece as well. It adds a lot of credibility to the paper as well as presented information that is helpful to look at and 100% factual. I also love how you included the recent stat of the tuition increase as it’s a stat that adds so much to the paper in my opinion. The stat of off campus living prices was a interested this g to add that added a lot of thought and facts on your side in the paper. I would look to add some quotes into the piece from housing as well as students. A harder task but could be interested to talk about is quotes from two students who have different financial situations.
Cole-
The sub-headline is great, adding a fun saying to a serios topic helps make different topic easier to read about depending on the topic as well as words used. Love the quotes used in here as well as I feel they add a lot of detail into the issue presented and add even more emotion into the paper. The lead too is engagement and adds to the overall tone of the paper. I think a quote you need to get a quote from housing itself to find the reason why the quad building was made in the way they were. You could also if it’s possible see if there’s any information of the people who made the building or plans for the building you could talk to.
Kristen-
The first thing that I noticed was the headline and how captivating it was for me. As a person who has no idea what R/V Sharkology is, just by the name alone it sounds interesting so it’s great you got that into the headline. Something I also noticed before reading the story was how you set up the paper, makes it look like an actual news story. The quotes used were also very informative and the fact they come from credible sources adds credibility to your story as well. I also love how there’s two different stories being told to make one bigger story that is blended well. I think one quote that could be interesting to get is potential finding someone who knows where the stories started.
Sarah bedore
I love the sub-headline as it truly makes me want to read this more and gives a mini look into what the feature is about. The structure of the piece is a lot good and looks like a professional paper. You might want to look to shorten the lead however still overall looks great. An interview that would be good to get is an interview with someone in the amil depart, head of the department would be ideal. Another potential interview could talk with whoever drives the trucks to deliver the mail to the various mailrooms. Could help with understanding why there’s only two shipments which are in the morning and another one at 2:30.
Kristen:
I love how the first thing you do in the article is to just debunk the myth, and then delve into the reasoning behind it. I was expecting more of a mystery-style “oooh who did it? What really happened?” But it wasn’t, in a refreshing way. The story ended up being satisfyingly informative, and an enjoyable read. I do kind of wish there was a little bit more buildup to Professor Tilberg’s explanation for dramatic effect, but other than that I have no complaints.
Caitlin
This article is very interesting and informative, and I appreciate the sheer amount of research that must’ve been done to come up with the calculations. I also really appreciate the use of tables in the essay! No one has done that yet (largely because I don’t think many people need to, but I digress) and it’s a great way to allow the reader to compare prices without having to search for numbers in a sea of words. One thing that I will definitely say is that it reads a little bit like a scientific article. Perhaps cutting down on some of the more scientific-sounding words (as weird as that is) may make the article more accessible. For example, rather than use mean, you could just say “average”. Other than that, the writing besides the excessively vocab-rich areas is great! I love the addition of the motto “working towards a healthier planet”, because truly I do think helping people with lower incomes attend colleges is something that would allow the world to become just a little bit more healthy.
Sarah
This article was incredibly informative, but it was just that: informative. I feel like you could add some more language to make it a little more exciting to read? I do appreciate the amount of work that went into unearthing the amount of problems with the mail rooms, as well as the neutral opinion of the writing voice throughout the entire article. The consideration of each aspect of the faults of the mail room is impressive as well, and I appreciate the thought put into the article as a whole.
Cole
I like the title off the bat, it’s very funny and it’s a good way to bring your readers in. This is set up really well, sometimes the best way of tackling an issue is by sugar coating it in humor. Additionally some of your paragraphs, like the first 2 after your lead. They contain good information that is appropriate to the story overall but it needs to be made more digestible and easy to read. Also you need to make a new paragraph when you are introducing a new quote.I think that it’s crazy that Fetherman is the only building on campus that is handicap accessible. That may be the most powerful quote of this piece.
Kirsten
I like your title and I think that asking a question in your title is a great way to bring people in because people want answers to all the questions that get asked. I think that there are no grammatical errors and everything is formatted properly. Something that I also want to point out is your ending and how that stood out to me because of the wording and the way that you conveyed that it was still a mystery of the boat’s disappearance. “More context clues than answers.” is the quote that stood out for me. I think it just shows really good storytelling abilities.
Caitlin
Outside of some formatting errors with your paragraphs and quotes I think that this is a phenomenal story that needs to be talked about. The tuition increase and cost of living at UNE has been a huge topic of discussion since I got here. Knowing what I pay in tuition per year, this is an article that can hit close to home. I especially like that you included tables that included what the costs of on vs off campus housing looks like, so that way the reader gets the message and you can still adhere to the word count that Prof. Miller asked us to follow. Some things to note: where did you get the information? I would also speak to someone at housing, and maybe see what prompts the school to charge this much.
Sara Bedore
I think that you have a great piece and it is very well written and formatted properly. It is very informative but I feel that some better aspects of storytelling could be applied. There’s some words that you could use to spice it up a bit. I think that it is a great, real, captivating story but the only way that it can truly be captivating is that it has to be written like an informative story. That way you will keep people engaged with our topic.
Overall, I think this is a really good piece. The information is really solid, and it flows very well. Your interviews are productive, and add to the piece overall, and they do not interrupt the story. I like how you have an interview with a student who is currently living in an accessible room, it makes the piece feel very well rounded.
I think your headline is funny, and it catches the eye of the reader very quickly. One thing I think you should look at is the UNE specific language. For example, you refer to the quad, and a reader outside of UNE might not know what that means. You should also explain the layout of the residence halls a bit so that the reader can paint a better picture, adding that Featherman is set a bit out of the way of the other residence halls.
Caitlin:
This article was super informative, and I can tell that you did a lot of research into this topic. All of the numbers seem accurate, and there are no discrepancies within the article. The information all makes sense, and I think this is an article where a little more research than normal is appropriate, which you did very well. However, I think this article reads a bit like an essay, and breaking up the paragraphs would probably help with this. In addition, your article lacks interviews, so cutting out some of the specifics about the dorms and adding some information from interviews would be super beneficial in reducing the essay feel. I would recommend someone involved in tuition decisions, maybe someone involved in the annual raise (I am not sure who exactly that would be, but asking the registrar might be a good start).
Kristen:
This article is very well written and interesting, and I can hardly find anything that you could improve upon. I really like both the headline and subhead line, as they are super eye-catching and give the reader a super good idea of what the article entails. The paragraphs are digestible in size, and they are broken up meaningfully. I would’ve liked to hear more from Dr. Tilburg, but the quotes included from him are good and well analyzed. You give a good amount of background information in the nut graf, and I appreciated how you included that the boat is still included on UNE’s website. Great job, this article is amazing!
Sarah:
This article is off to a really great start! It stays on topic very well, and you give an appropriate amount of background about the mail system so that the reader understand the article better. The quotes are helpful, and I like that you included a worker from the mail room. I would possibly add something from a student who has experienced an annoyance from the mail room, and maybe have them tell that story. You could also talk to the supervisor of the mail room, or the coordinator that writes the schedules to get a better idea of what they deal with. I also like that you give an idea of a way to fix this issue, and I think that this idea is actually quite realistic. You could also add a quote surrounding this idea, and maybe mention it to whoever runs the mail room and see what they say, and include that. Overall, this article is very well written and I enjoyed it and related to it.
I think that this piece is very well written and that there is not much more that Kristen has to do before the final draft. I really liked the use of quotes and the creative writing. I think the pieces could definitely benefit from a quote from a student’s perspective. Maybe you could add a student quote after you say there was still the widely-held student opinion that the university was not utilizing the boats to their full potential, . You could also add some more detail about what students think that UNE should be doing with the boats to maximize their potential besides where they house the boats and the opportunities that students are missing out on with the missing ship. For someone who doesn’t know explain a little bit about what exactly the boats are used for (river tours, data collecting, and going to UNE’s private island ect.) Maybe include more specific details about what opportunities the RV Sharkology boat provided and how students are impacted by the missing boat. Are two boats enough for the trips and research for all the UNE classes that require them.
Feedback for Cole:
Overall I don’t have many critiques for Cole; the piece is well written and flows well and I like the story. I’m not sure I love the headline, I would definitely get rid of (bummer) at the end. This might be hard but try to find a student who has been personally affected by the issue and get their perspective on it in the piece. I would also add some more potential solutions if possible you mention remodeling the dorms which would displace students and you also mentioned doing more forced triples in featherman. From my knowledge I lived in Featherman my second semester last year and every room on the fourth floor all had forced triples in them and I’m sure the other floors were the same so I’m pretty sure they are already pursuing that option. So i think the story would benefit a wider range of solutions to explore and would create a stronger conclusion for the piece.
Feedback for Caitlin:
I give this pieces a 9.5/10. I thought it was really good and really interesting. I think the story has great background, statistics and the overall flow is on point. The one thing the piece is missing is some student and faculty testimonials. Besides that I really don’t have much to say besides I really enjoyed reading the piece and I think anyone who has lived at UNE will relate and agree to the points made throughout.
Feedback for Sarah Bedore:
I think overall this piece is very well written and has some interesting information. I think the quotes that were included were very useful and added some good information. I think the pieces could benefit from some stats like how many packages usually come in a shipment, how many employees they have working for the mail room ect. Also I already know this but for someone who doesn’t know what hours are the mailroom open for and how can students gain access to that information. I also think the pieces could benefit from the perspective of the person who hires the mailroom workers whoever that may be. I liked the ending of how you added a new solution for efficiency. To have the students get their own packages and scan them out but I think you could also add some potential solutions for hiring more people in the mailroom like new promotion strategies or raising the pay for these essential workers or some kind of incentive like that.
Kristen:
I love the topic. It’s very interesting and not an event that many people have heard about. Your lede is a little long, but holds all necessary information. Your choice to interview Dr. Tilburg gives your article a lot of credibility, and his clarification of the incident is useful. I like that you still discussed the myths, despite them being disproven, as it gave the article a lot of personality.
Sarah:
I think that your lede/subheadline could use a little work, but overall I like the article. I like that you acknowledged the issue of staffing rather than just talking about how inconvenient it is to get packages, because it’s important to understand why. I think that you have some room for more elaboration, especially on the information provided in the last paragraph, about a potential new mail system. You could also offer your own or other student’s proposed solutions to the mail problem.
Cole:
I really love that you’re talking about this topic as UNE definitely has some accessibility issues. Your lede is strong and you use really solid evidence that it isn’t sustainable for students to have to accommodate for the dorms, rather than the other way around, especially with the information provided by the RA that you interviewed about one of his residents breaking her leg. Your reasoning for this being worth the time of the university is also really great—accessibility helps everyone.
Caitlin –
Your headline made me laugh because I immediately agreed with the question. This is the million-dollar question many students are asking themselves. I like how the article immediately highlights the school’s positives and negatives but is honest about the tuition increase. ‘When it rains it pours” is a great way to explain the situation. Pointing out the expenses with graphs of housing prices shows the expenses that tuition payers struggle with. The next paragraphs have really important statistics but could be broken up into small parts to so its easier to read. Getting the ‘college experience’ is really important to a lot of people and not getting that because of no financial aid isn’t fair. I like that you point out that education is unfortunately a privilege but make sure the article stays neutral. Using the school motto is a powerful way to close the piece and shows the oxymoron of UNE.
Kirsten –
The opening paragraph provides a great connection to the subject of the article but it seems a little long for the opening statement. I think there could be a little more storytelling to the mysterious boat skinning. Add some character to this and keep it attractive to readers. Getting a quote from the director shows the official story and also sharing the rumors shows the fun perspective. However, having a statement on the importance of the vessels to the student community doesn’t really connect with the mystery of the ship. It’s interesting that the ship is still listed on the school website. I feel like that article jumps around so try to make sure everything connects together. The closing statements leave the story with a ‘Who done it” vibe which is interesting. It’s a great article but i think it could use a little more character.
Cole –
Accessibility is a topic our school could improve on but I think highlighting that keyword earlier as a headline and the punchline as the subtitle will help keep that tone you have but make it more clear. Mentioning stairs is the most obvious obstacle but also talk about the lack of ramps in the freshman area. Getting a student’s opinion is great and the comment on wanting to be in Featherman if anything happens really shares the tone of this situation. However, expanding your quotes and intake of information might be beneficial to show the other side of this story. Interviewing a staff member of housing or facilities might help share their perspective on the matter. This seems to be a more first-year-focused problem and it’s a great topic for incoming students to know about.
Cole- I found that your article was really informative as a whole and for the most part it flowed really well there wasn’t any parts where I felt that the paper was dragging on which is a good thing. I enjoyed your headline a lot as well I think it’s an engaging way to bring your audience in right away. I thought your quotes were very impactful and informative to the paper however I think if you were able to land a quote from housing it would make this piece that much better than it already is. I think adding in that Featherman is the only handicap accessible building for freshman is very important to add as well so I liked that part.
Kristen- This article is very well written and interesting, and I also really like both the headline and subhead line, I thought they were attention grabbing and make the reader want to read more which is always a good thing. I think your angle is very strong even if you’re not a marine major, it’s still interesting to hear about an alleged on-campus mystery that people may or may not know about. I also thought your quotes did a great job at adding more depth to the story and did a good job at adding more information and context.
Caitlyn- Your article was really informative, and it seems as if you really did a lot of research on your topic in order to back up what you were writing about. I think one thing you could work on is making this feel less like a scientific paper and more like a feature I think because of how wordy and lengthy some of the sections are it feels like in a way it drags on just a little and you may lose reader attention when that. happens. I think your angle is clear and relevant because most students at UNE are definitely aware of the high prices towards housing something I think you could try and do is get a quote from someone at housing and ask what the thought process is on why housing is so expensive and their thoughts on students constantly trying to live off campus. Overall, I enjoyed the piece just some minor things to tweak.
Sarah Bedore- I liked how your article stays on topic the whole time and doesn’t drift into different areas, I think it makes the writing flow better as a whole and makes it easier to read for the reader. The structure of the piece is a lot good and looks like a professional paper. I think you may also be able to benefit from shortening the lede just a little to make the story somewhat more digestible. I think those multiple voices that are heard throughout are very important to convey the message you’re trying to convey. Speaking to someone in the mail department about the functions of the mail room would be very beneficial.
cole-
Your anecdotal lede and headline do a fantastic job of introducing the narrative in a way that keeps me interested and wanting to read on. I truly enjoyed your essay. Since RAs are employees of the school but, more importantly, are also students, speaking with several of them is a great opportunity to learn about the administrative side of things. There are two or three very large paragraphs. As you continue to type and arrange your ideas, it may be helpful to refer back to our class notes and identify the obvious places of breakage. It would be beneficial to include those quotations from the RAs that stick out, especially when you have such powerful quotes from them. The way you are able to get into a more comprehensive analysis of how UNE might be able to focus on improving housing practices generally is a really intriguing part of the tale. If this is something you want to develop further, do you think you could acquire some quotations from students who live in triples that are supposed to be doubles? That way, you could include their first-hand accounts of the events in the narrative? Additionally, as you identify the perspective and subject of your article, it can be helpful to outline any additional points you would like to make on UNE’s use of accommodations earlier on.
Kristen-
I adore this tale, and despite its lighthearted nature, you do a fantastic job of preserving its formality. Because you keep the headline more ambiguous and the reader unsure of the article’s intended path, your header and subhead effectively highlight this balance. I am forced to read on as you do as you go farther into the subhead! I would make a little formatting/style suggestion: consider keeping your paragraph indents aligned to the left, or consider doing otherwise. Going on to your quotes, I like how you began with Dr. Tilburg’s remarks and then used those to frame the rest of the piece by examining how a straightforward answer could be the subject of so many theories. I also appreciate how you use the narrative to highlight the more serious ramifications of withholding information from the public, and I think your quotation from Payne makes a big difference in this regard.
Caitlyn-
This is a really engaging tale, and I believe the headline effectively conveys the story’s purpose. As you continue to develop, a subheadline may help provide more context and serve as another hook for the reader. I appreciate how you described the tutoring as “daunting” in your lede, which is succinct but provides useful information on what you will be discussing. A small recommendation for the lede would be to omit the Biddeford ME because you already supply that situational information with UNE and we don’t need it in a feature narrative. This is a really engaging tale, and I believe the headline effectively conveys the story’s purpose. As you continue to develop, a subheadline may help provide more context and serve as another hook for the reader. I appreciate how you described the tutoring as “daunting” in your lede, which is succinct but provides useful information on what you will be discussing. A small recommendation for the lede would be to omit the Biddeford ME because you already supply that situational information with UNE and we don’t need it in a feature narrative.
Sarah Bedore-
It has a great flow, and I appreciate how your headline and subheading work together to draw the reader in and then go into more detail on some of the article’s features. Your lede is a little bit lengthy yet has a lot of information. When I tried to narrow my lede, though, one thing I considered doing was figuring out what information was still important to the story but could be better placed elsewhere. This would free up some space in the lede to add that feature story quality with less formality and perhaps even a clever hook to keep readers interested. I appreciate how you used Lapirere’s words into your piece’s story to create the impression of a discussion rather than just a collection of isolated quotes. As you edit and work on this story, as a reader, I would like to see more about the non-student employees who work in the mail room. This could help you with your angle when you discuss the communication issues that arise between the mail facilities staff and the students who work and want to pick up packages.
15 thoughts on “FEEDBACK GROUP # 4”
Cole:
Lead: LOVE headline and the anecdotal approach to the lead. I think it has great character and personality, AND it draws readers in. If I were to change anything, I would maybe mention UNE somewhere in there, but honestly I like it as is.
People Interviewed/Quotes: I love the wide array of voices you’ve collected! I think maybe one other one you could potentially use is someone who has been injured while living on a higher floor? Or possibly relevant faculty? But I think you have a good number of different perspectives already. Additionally, I think you’ve incorporated quotes well, as they’re not too long, and not too short.
Context/backstory: I think maybe looking into the history of the buildings could be beneficial, asking “Why is Featherman the only accessible one?” or “Is it possible to make the others more accessible?”
Impact/audience: I think that this is a much needed investigation, as I personally know a lot of people who have struggled with accessibility coordination on campus, so I think that this story could go VERY far.
Sarah Bedore:
Lead: While I like the fact that the lead is very informative, I think you can swap some of that info with context relevant to UNE, like what the specific UNE mail room problems are. I would also pare down the subhead a bit, as I think it’s a little wordy. But, I think you have a great topic to work with.
People Interviewed/Quotes: It’s awesome that you interviewed someone with so much experience in the mailroom! I would suggest, to maybe make your piece more dimensional, you could interview fellow students, to get to more sides of the issue.
Impact/audience: I think most residential students have had their share of mailroom struggles, so I think that this piece could be popular among students, especially because you propose potentially new policies coming for the mailroom.
Caitlin:
Lead: I really like this lead, and I think it juggles all of the factors mentioned in the piece in a very balanced way.
People Interviewed/Quotes: I think it would be very interesting if you interview a student who has lived both on and off campus, to compare the costs. Additionally, I think you could also talk to current residential students about the housing costs, compared to what they’re getting for their money.
Impact/audience: I think, especially with your use of actual data, that this piece really reflects one of the bigger student dilemmas on campus currently. I think it’s super important to talk about, so great job picking this concept!
Caitlin
Immediately, your lead is engaging and interesting, especially with the inclusion of numbers and background for UNE’s appeal as a college. I would mention in this introduction that UNE is a private school, as it is not state-funded, and that may be why costs are so high. I would also explain what Featherman is (freshman housing) since it is not mentioned; incoming students may not know that. Your figures are great; they add a nice visual for the reader to conceptualize the costs per semester broken into living types. Your attributions to housing, dining, security, and financial aid add fantastic credibility, and it is clear you have done your research. I also like how you dated when this information was received, making it relevant to current residents. The storytelling comes in when you begin talking about rent places off-campus. It is great to have a comparison to the costs UNE elicits, trying to answer the question of your heading about potentially too-high living costs here. The impact begins to show up here as well, as you move into the “college experience” aspect, asking if UNE is hurting itself when it comes to student housing. The audience could be incoming students, current residents, or anyone concerned about housing prices at UNE.
Cole
I love your headline; the tone is immediately set. Your angle takes an investigative approach with other students and RA’s voicing their concerns about quad accessibility. I would suggest moving the quotes to their own lines since the paragraphs get kind of long and feel – almost – academic. Your interviews flow well in the piece; I appreciate how much work you put into finding people who have different perspectives on dorm life. The context comes in as you write; I totally forgot about having accessible bathrooms and showers, so I am glad you covered this. The impact comes in with the second RA you interviewed, how she almost laughed at the fact that this was never even addressed during training. It is hard to see the lack of care given to students in varying circumstances, and also the space issues with double rooms used as triples and the opposite for Featherman’s rooms. I am curious if you could get some input from a staff member here at UNE to see their take on this matter. Someone in housing or at the accessibility center could add an interesting perspective. Overall, I found this interesting to read, and the delivery is easy to understand.
Kristen
As you begin your feature, the reader is immediately immersed in the story of the shark boat. I like how your lead is shrouded in mystery, suggesting something terrible happened without saying quite what yet. It provides a good backstory on the UNE’s Marine Program and research prestige. I also like how you jump into the quote from Dr. Tilburg, it quashes any gossip straightaway. The draw in stating the myth surrounding this incident having greater implications is really interesting and makes your reader want to keep going. As for interviews, it is good to hear from the director of the Marine program, and then a student involved in research to discuss the importance of the vessels for the program. The storytelling here is great, you propose that there are transparency issues from the school itself, even falsely listing the vessel on the website. As of now, I do not have any suggestions except for perhaps getting one more interview? I am not sure who with, but maybe another student who believed the rumor if you could find one. Also in your subheading you could remove the word “most” as it seems to imply this has happened more than once.
Sarah
I think I would move “UNE” from your headline into your subheadline, as it works better as context there. Your lead breaks down how the mailroom works on campus well and begins giving the context for why you are telling this story. Interviewing a mailroom worker was a good choice, and I am glad you discussed the issue of understaffing. I wonder if you could interview a student who dislikes the timeliness of the mailroom’s operations. From what you discuss, the mailroom seems like a decent job, I am curious as to why it is so understaffed. Could the mailroom potentially market their need for student workers more? I know a fair amount of people that would like to work on campus, so why is this the case?
It is nice to hear that there are potential solutions to this issue, and I wonder if there are any plans potentially in the works to implement this method you described. Overall this is a decent draft, but there could be more perspectives included to add further context and impact. Input from disgruntled students and potentially a staff member from the university could provide good insight.
Cole:
I really enjoyed this piece, and your anecdotal lede and headline are doing a great job of opening the story in a way that keeps me engaged, wanting to know more, and keep reading. Talking with multiple RAs is a great way to gain information from the administrative side of things as they work for the school, but above all, they are students too. There are two or three pretty big paragraphs, and as you keep drafting and organizing your thoughts, it might help to keep what we have said in class in mind and find the natural breaking points. Especially when you have such great quotes with impact from the RA’s, having those able to stand out would be good. Another aspect of your story that I find very interesting is how you are able to expand into a larger critique of how UNE might be able to work on better housing practices in general. I wonder if this is something that you want to continue to develop that you could maybe get a few quotes from students living in triples meant to be doubles and get their first-hand experience into the story. Also, it might help as you find the focus/angle to see if you could lay out how you have more to say about UNE’s use of accommodations earlier in the story.
Kristen:
I love this story, and you do such a great job of maintaining that element of formality, even though the story is a bit humorous. Your headline and subhead showcase that balance as you leave the headline more open-ended, with the reader not quite sure what direction the article is heading. Then, as you continue reading into the subhead, I am compelled to keep reading! One minor formatting/style comment I have is to look into the indents of your paragraphs and see if you want to keep those all aligned left. Moving into your quotes, I like how you started with the comments from Dr. Tilburg and then framed the rest of the article by looking at how such a simple explanation could have so many conspiracies. I also like how you are able to use the story to draw attention to the more significant implications of what happens when certain situations aren’t disclosed to the public, and I found that your quote from Payne has a lot of impact regarding this.
Caitlin:
This is a super interesting story, and I think the headline does a good job of providing the aim of the story – a subheadline as you keep drafting might help add some context and can be another way to hook the reader in. Your lede is concise but has good information as to what you will be talking about, and I like how you phrased the tuition as “daunting.” A minor suggestion for the lede would be to remove the Biddeford ME as we don’t need it in a feature story and because you provide that situational context right there in your lede with UNE. Your following paragraphs/nutgraph highlight a ton of great statistics. The only thing I am wondering is how you might integrate the chart – it is a super helpful visual that you could ask in the workshop and see what others think. I like the angle you bring to the end of the piece in working in UNE’s well-known motto of working toward a “healthier planet” and then opening up the conversation to the tuition price, barring that education for students who want to work in that atmosphere.
Sarah Bedore:
I like how your headline and subheading are able to work together to hook the reader in and then expand on some of the specifics of your article – really nice flow. Your lede has a lot of information and is a bit on the longer side. However, one thing I was thinking about when I tried to narrow my lede is to see what information is still crucial to the story but could work better elsewhere and free up some space to add that more feature story quality to the lede with less formality and maybe some creative hook to keep us moving through the article. I like the quote from Lapirere and how you have embedded her statements within the narrative of your piece so it feels like a conversation rather than just lone quotes on their own. As you go about editing and working on this story, one thing I might like to see as a reader would be the side of the staff who work in the mail room who aren’t students – it might be able to help your angle when you talk about the communication problem between students who work and want to pick up packages and the mail facilities staff.
Feedback Group #4
Cole
I liked your feature a lot. It is so unbelievably true and extremely frustrating about housing. But there are some things that could be edited like for example the large paragraphs could be broken down so it’s easier to read and formatted. I also think that it needs at least a few interviews, one with housing, maybe an RA and a person that has had the issues you are bringing up in the angle of it all. I don’t know if you have the interviews already as it is a draft, but It will give this piece credibility which will make it whole. I feel like you definitely have a focus to bring up the issue but it needs maybe an ending with multiple ways to have solutions for this.
Kristen
I like how the story telling in it presented the issue. But I think that your angle has shifted while writing this story from what happened to the shark boat to more of what didn’t happen. After finding the truth I feel like you gave more unanswered questions as statements in the end. Just with how the boat is being mentioned about the funding and what not.
Caitlin
I liked the lead. It has good story telling and a clear angle. I would add some attributions for your statistics you are presenting. As well as interviews with housing and maybe seniors or students that have gotten off campus and live off campus and without campus resources. I think that this is good and keeps its point throughout the story and it keeps the angle you are presenting sharp. The paragraphs need to be a bit smaller as they seem kind of large and scary.
Sarah Bedore
Find interviews maybe about the issues that are going on. Maybe a student that’s picked up mail or was giving mail that wasn’t there. It’s got a clear good angle in this and the storytelling is good just needs some drafting like incorporating more quotes to it.
Cole:
I think the lead could use a little bit of re-wording and directly reference the problem you are researching. The five buildings and one having an elevator line would fit really well in the lead and would give it just a little bit more of a focus. Continuing through the story it is very well written and the people interviewed fit well into the story however a way to expand would be directly interviewing someone who has first hand experience with this lack of handicap accessibility. Where you mention the room sizes and amount of people in a room if you found it valuable you could elaborate on that a bit more. Overall I think this piece is addressing a very important dilemma with lots of information.
Kristen:
While I think the lead is really good, an idea to hook the reader in a bit more would be to add inn components from the next paragraph to make the lead more mysterious and finding ways to continue this theme that isn’t very well known and you are digging up the facts on. Maybe I didn’t pick up on it but maybe speaking to someone in the marine science department to get some more ideas to incorporate. Overall this piece was very well written and structured and does a really good job of explaining the events that took place around something that is very much on the down low.
Caitlin:
The lead in this story is very clear and sets the tone for what the reader will be investigating. While I believe there is a lot of valuable information such as the graphs, another aspect to add to the story would be to interview students affected by this. In addition I think financial departments would have lots of information to share in regards to what students are paying. I think it is also important to address the reality of UNE being a private school and they don’t receive funding from the state and how this may influence their need to demand from the students. However I can say the article is very focused and clearly discussing the topic at hand and provides a strong foundation of information.
Sarach Bedore:
In the lead I think more elaboration would be very beneficial. Throughout reading the article there are some structural components and grammar that could use attention when working towards a final draft. Going off of structure adding a bit more of a conclusion. While having the students perspective is informational there is only one interview incorporated in the piece and with a story having multiple components I think those multiple voices are very important to convey the message. Speaking to someone in the mail department about the functionings of the mail room would be very beneficial. With some minor adjustments I think this piece is going to be very well written.
Caitlin ,
Your lead could do with some revision, as it could be punched up a bit. Mostly just making it more dramatic. Also, I’d probably break it up a bit; your lead is one long sentence with commas, where it would probably make more sense as 2-3 shorter sentences. A possible area for the “hook” could be in your sub headline.
I think your angle is clear and relevant. Most UNE students are aware of the high costs of living on campus, but seeing it broken down the way you did is an interesting new look.
It looks like you don’t have any interviews, but I think your article could benefit from them. I’d try to get at least 1 interview with the housing coordinator at UNE, as well as possibly speaking with students about their experiences with university housing.
While you don’t have interviews, I think the information you include is relevant and I like the formatting in tables. It might be interesting to have a comparison to other schools (other private schools in Maine/New England) or a comparison of housing costs at UNE in the past.
The context given here is solid. As I mentioned previously, it might be nice to talk about past costs at UNE, or maybe even talking about how much money is being made total based on the increases to tuition and student numbers.
You could add more storytelling. I think the best way to insert a narrative would be to take all the great informational content you have and roll it into a discussion of how the tuition has increased and how it compares to other universities.
Your impact and audience is pretty good, although it might be nice to have a punchier ending. I’m just not sure how environmental justice relates.
Cole,
Your lead is interesting and presents an intriguing entry to your article. I might just include a specification that the issue is with lack of accessibility.
Your angle is clear, and important. I’d just wonder about how it could be interesting to those who don’t need a ramp/elevator. I also feel as though part of your article is about triples in the quad, which is not as relevant directly to your story.
Your interviews with RA’s are good, but it would be awesome to figure out and get in contact with whoever is responsible for handicap access to the school; if not that, possibly someone from housing who could speak on the lack of accessibility in the quad.
Your quotes need to be broken up into their own paragraphs. Otherwise, I think they’re relevant to your story.
Your article could benefit from adding context about when most of the dorms were built and possibly other accessibility changes made to campus in the past.
Storytelling is solid. You have a strong lead and story throughout. It would be good to include a perspective with someone who has to contend with the lack of accessibility. You could add in a blurb about their experiences and thread that in as a central storyline.
You could probably make the ending of your story a bit more hard hitting by speaking about how the lack of accessibility affects students on campus, or how it’s an issue of letting everybody participate in the campus life. I think there’s certainly a audience for your piece, as I’ve known plenty of people with an injury or disability that have contended with UNE’s accessibility.
Kristen,
You could increase the excitement of your lead by talking about the loss of the shark boat; being more specific in the details of the loss, or simply making it out to be a mysterious occurrence.
I think your angle is very strong; even if you’re not a marine major, it’s still interesting to hear about an on-campus mystery.
I like your interviews with faculty and staff. It would be nice to get some definitive answers about if the boat was recovered or written off by someone high up in the Marine Science Department.
Your use of quotes is adequate, although I’m less sure about the relevance of the student interview. It would be more interesting to your story to talk to some people near the start of the article to get information about what they think happened.
I do think the context surrounding the stories about the sinking could be expanded on. I’d just like more examples of student stories surrounding it (also a good way to increase interest).
Your storytelling is interesting, although I think the point of the article is a little unclear, as in I initially thought the article would be focused around the sinking itself, not about the stories around it. In your lead, I think it could be interesting to have a bit of a dramatic statement around the boat’s sinking.
I think you have impact and audience under control. The mystery surrounding the sinking is interesting to basically anyone at UNE, and your article serves to sort of dispel some of the more far fetched retellings of the story, which I think is a good impact to aim for in the reporting of news.
Sarah,
I think your lead could definitely be made into a more interesting start to your article. It’s very matter of fact, whereas it could benefit from simply being told in a more intriguing way. Possibly just talking about specifically someone who couldn’t receive their package, etc.
In terms of angle, I think it’s relevant and understandable from a residential aspect. I just think you could possibly make the article focus on the lack of work-study students as a part of the issue more.
I think your interview with Juliann was relevant, but it would be great to hear from someone who works in the central mail facility. I’m sure you could call or email them, or even go in and ask them some questions.
Your use of quotes is alright, but I’d be interested in hearing both from a student who’s mail was too late for something important and a full time employee at the central mail processing area. I think your quotation formatting is good.
You have adequate context to back up your article. I think getting in contact with someone in the central mailroom could help explain why there is the backup/backlog or late packages arriving.
You have good factual/concrete information, but you need to flesh out the storytelling aspect. I think you could present the issue from the standpoint of a student who missed a package or wasn’t able to receive one in your lead to make it more dramatic.
In terms of impact and audience, it is relevant to residential students, although you could work on your impact. Maybe talking about what other similarly sized colleges do for mail? Or just putting in a part about how the mailroom really needs student staffers; your article could act as a solution to the problems you point out.
Caitlin-
I love of the headline starts with the question presented still in the way of a question which makes the reader know what the essay is and getting right into the thinking. I love how many stats and graphs you have in the piece as well. It adds a lot of credibility to the paper as well as presented information that is helpful to look at and 100% factual. I also love how you included the recent stat of the tuition increase as it’s a stat that adds so much to the paper in my opinion. The stat of off campus living prices was a interested this g to add that added a lot of thought and facts on your side in the paper. I would look to add some quotes into the piece from housing as well as students. A harder task but could be interested to talk about is quotes from two students who have different financial situations.
Cole-
The sub-headline is great, adding a fun saying to a serios topic helps make different topic easier to read about depending on the topic as well as words used. Love the quotes used in here as well as I feel they add a lot of detail into the issue presented and add even more emotion into the paper. The lead too is engagement and adds to the overall tone of the paper. I think a quote you need to get a quote from housing itself to find the reason why the quad building was made in the way they were. You could also if it’s possible see if there’s any information of the people who made the building or plans for the building you could talk to.
Kristen-
The first thing that I noticed was the headline and how captivating it was for me. As a person who has no idea what R/V Sharkology is, just by the name alone it sounds interesting so it’s great you got that into the headline. Something I also noticed before reading the story was how you set up the paper, makes it look like an actual news story. The quotes used were also very informative and the fact they come from credible sources adds credibility to your story as well. I also love how there’s two different stories being told to make one bigger story that is blended well. I think one quote that could be interesting to get is potential finding someone who knows where the stories started.
Sarah bedore
I love the sub-headline as it truly makes me want to read this more and gives a mini look into what the feature is about. The structure of the piece is a lot good and looks like a professional paper. You might want to look to shorten the lead however still overall looks great. An interview that would be good to get is an interview with someone in the amil depart, head of the department would be ideal. Another potential interview could talk with whoever drives the trucks to deliver the mail to the various mailrooms. Could help with understanding why there’s only two shipments which are in the morning and another one at 2:30.
Kristen:
I love how the first thing you do in the article is to just debunk the myth, and then delve into the reasoning behind it. I was expecting more of a mystery-style “oooh who did it? What really happened?” But it wasn’t, in a refreshing way. The story ended up being satisfyingly informative, and an enjoyable read. I do kind of wish there was a little bit more buildup to Professor Tilberg’s explanation for dramatic effect, but other than that I have no complaints.
Caitlin
This article is very interesting and informative, and I appreciate the sheer amount of research that must’ve been done to come up with the calculations. I also really appreciate the use of tables in the essay! No one has done that yet (largely because I don’t think many people need to, but I digress) and it’s a great way to allow the reader to compare prices without having to search for numbers in a sea of words. One thing that I will definitely say is that it reads a little bit like a scientific article. Perhaps cutting down on some of the more scientific-sounding words (as weird as that is) may make the article more accessible. For example, rather than use mean, you could just say “average”. Other than that, the writing besides the excessively vocab-rich areas is great! I love the addition of the motto “working towards a healthier planet”, because truly I do think helping people with lower incomes attend colleges is something that would allow the world to become just a little bit more healthy.
Sarah
This article was incredibly informative, but it was just that: informative. I feel like you could add some more language to make it a little more exciting to read? I do appreciate the amount of work that went into unearthing the amount of problems with the mail rooms, as well as the neutral opinion of the writing voice throughout the entire article. The consideration of each aspect of the faults of the mail room is impressive as well, and I appreciate the thought put into the article as a whole.
Cole:
me?
Cole
I like the title off the bat, it’s very funny and it’s a good way to bring your readers in. This is set up really well, sometimes the best way of tackling an issue is by sugar coating it in humor. Additionally some of your paragraphs, like the first 2 after your lead. They contain good information that is appropriate to the story overall but it needs to be made more digestible and easy to read. Also you need to make a new paragraph when you are introducing a new quote.I think that it’s crazy that Fetherman is the only building on campus that is handicap accessible. That may be the most powerful quote of this piece.
Kirsten
I like your title and I think that asking a question in your title is a great way to bring people in because people want answers to all the questions that get asked. I think that there are no grammatical errors and everything is formatted properly. Something that I also want to point out is your ending and how that stood out to me because of the wording and the way that you conveyed that it was still a mystery of the boat’s disappearance. “More context clues than answers.” is the quote that stood out for me. I think it just shows really good storytelling abilities.
Caitlin
Outside of some formatting errors with your paragraphs and quotes I think that this is a phenomenal story that needs to be talked about. The tuition increase and cost of living at UNE has been a huge topic of discussion since I got here. Knowing what I pay in tuition per year, this is an article that can hit close to home. I especially like that you included tables that included what the costs of on vs off campus housing looks like, so that way the reader gets the message and you can still adhere to the word count that Prof. Miller asked us to follow. Some things to note: where did you get the information? I would also speak to someone at housing, and maybe see what prompts the school to charge this much.
Sara Bedore
I think that you have a great piece and it is very well written and formatted properly. It is very informative but I feel that some better aspects of storytelling could be applied. There’s some words that you could use to spice it up a bit. I think that it is a great, real, captivating story but the only way that it can truly be captivating is that it has to be written like an informative story. That way you will keep people engaged with our topic.
Cole:
Overall, I think this is a really good piece. The information is really solid, and it flows very well. Your interviews are productive, and add to the piece overall, and they do not interrupt the story. I like how you have an interview with a student who is currently living in an accessible room, it makes the piece feel very well rounded.
I think your headline is funny, and it catches the eye of the reader very quickly. One thing I think you should look at is the UNE specific language. For example, you refer to the quad, and a reader outside of UNE might not know what that means. You should also explain the layout of the residence halls a bit so that the reader can paint a better picture, adding that Featherman is set a bit out of the way of the other residence halls.
Caitlin:
This article was super informative, and I can tell that you did a lot of research into this topic. All of the numbers seem accurate, and there are no discrepancies within the article. The information all makes sense, and I think this is an article where a little more research than normal is appropriate, which you did very well. However, I think this article reads a bit like an essay, and breaking up the paragraphs would probably help with this. In addition, your article lacks interviews, so cutting out some of the specifics about the dorms and adding some information from interviews would be super beneficial in reducing the essay feel. I would recommend someone involved in tuition decisions, maybe someone involved in the annual raise (I am not sure who exactly that would be, but asking the registrar might be a good start).
Kristen:
This article is very well written and interesting, and I can hardly find anything that you could improve upon. I really like both the headline and subhead line, as they are super eye-catching and give the reader a super good idea of what the article entails. The paragraphs are digestible in size, and they are broken up meaningfully. I would’ve liked to hear more from Dr. Tilburg, but the quotes included from him are good and well analyzed. You give a good amount of background information in the nut graf, and I appreciated how you included that the boat is still included on UNE’s website. Great job, this article is amazing!
Sarah:
This article is off to a really great start! It stays on topic very well, and you give an appropriate amount of background about the mail system so that the reader understand the article better. The quotes are helpful, and I like that you included a worker from the mail room. I would possibly add something from a student who has experienced an annoyance from the mail room, and maybe have them tell that story. You could also talk to the supervisor of the mail room, or the coordinator that writes the schedules to get a better idea of what they deal with. I also like that you give an idea of a way to fix this issue, and I think that this idea is actually quite realistic. You could also add a quote surrounding this idea, and maybe mention it to whoever runs the mail room and see what they say, and include that. Overall, this article is very well written and I enjoyed it and related to it.
Feedback for Kristen:
I think that this piece is very well written and that there is not much more that Kristen has to do before the final draft. I really liked the use of quotes and the creative writing. I think the pieces could definitely benefit from a quote from a student’s perspective. Maybe you could add a student quote after you say there was still the widely-held student opinion that the university was not utilizing the boats to their full potential, . You could also add some more detail about what students think that UNE should be doing with the boats to maximize their potential besides where they house the boats and the opportunities that students are missing out on with the missing ship. For someone who doesn’t know explain a little bit about what exactly the boats are used for (river tours, data collecting, and going to UNE’s private island ect.) Maybe include more specific details about what opportunities the RV Sharkology boat provided and how students are impacted by the missing boat. Are two boats enough for the trips and research for all the UNE classes that require them.
Feedback for Cole:
Overall I don’t have many critiques for Cole; the piece is well written and flows well and I like the story. I’m not sure I love the headline, I would definitely get rid of (bummer) at the end. This might be hard but try to find a student who has been personally affected by the issue and get their perspective on it in the piece. I would also add some more potential solutions if possible you mention remodeling the dorms which would displace students and you also mentioned doing more forced triples in featherman. From my knowledge I lived in Featherman my second semester last year and every room on the fourth floor all had forced triples in them and I’m sure the other floors were the same so I’m pretty sure they are already pursuing that option. So i think the story would benefit a wider range of solutions to explore and would create a stronger conclusion for the piece.
Feedback for Caitlin:
I give this pieces a 9.5/10. I thought it was really good and really interesting. I think the story has great background, statistics and the overall flow is on point. The one thing the piece is missing is some student and faculty testimonials. Besides that I really don’t have much to say besides I really enjoyed reading the piece and I think anyone who has lived at UNE will relate and agree to the points made throughout.
Feedback for Sarah Bedore:
I think overall this piece is very well written and has some interesting information. I think the quotes that were included were very useful and added some good information. I think the pieces could benefit from some stats like how many packages usually come in a shipment, how many employees they have working for the mail room ect. Also I already know this but for someone who doesn’t know what hours are the mailroom open for and how can students gain access to that information. I also think the pieces could benefit from the perspective of the person who hires the mailroom workers whoever that may be. I liked the ending of how you added a new solution for efficiency. To have the students get their own packages and scan them out but I think you could also add some potential solutions for hiring more people in the mailroom like new promotion strategies or raising the pay for these essential workers or some kind of incentive like that.
Kristen:
I love the topic. It’s very interesting and not an event that many people have heard about. Your lede is a little long, but holds all necessary information. Your choice to interview Dr. Tilburg gives your article a lot of credibility, and his clarification of the incident is useful. I like that you still discussed the myths, despite them being disproven, as it gave the article a lot of personality.
Sarah:
I think that your lede/subheadline could use a little work, but overall I like the article. I like that you acknowledged the issue of staffing rather than just talking about how inconvenient it is to get packages, because it’s important to understand why. I think that you have some room for more elaboration, especially on the information provided in the last paragraph, about a potential new mail system. You could also offer your own or other student’s proposed solutions to the mail problem.
Cole:
I really love that you’re talking about this topic as UNE definitely has some accessibility issues. Your lede is strong and you use really solid evidence that it isn’t sustainable for students to have to accommodate for the dorms, rather than the other way around, especially with the information provided by the RA that you interviewed about one of his residents breaking her leg. Your reasoning for this being worth the time of the university is also really great—accessibility helps everyone.
Caitlin –
Your headline made me laugh because I immediately agreed with the question. This is the million-dollar question many students are asking themselves. I like how the article immediately highlights the school’s positives and negatives but is honest about the tuition increase. ‘When it rains it pours” is a great way to explain the situation. Pointing out the expenses with graphs of housing prices shows the expenses that tuition payers struggle with. The next paragraphs have really important statistics but could be broken up into small parts to so its easier to read. Getting the ‘college experience’ is really important to a lot of people and not getting that because of no financial aid isn’t fair. I like that you point out that education is unfortunately a privilege but make sure the article stays neutral. Using the school motto is a powerful way to close the piece and shows the oxymoron of UNE.
Kirsten –
The opening paragraph provides a great connection to the subject of the article but it seems a little long for the opening statement. I think there could be a little more storytelling to the mysterious boat skinning. Add some character to this and keep it attractive to readers. Getting a quote from the director shows the official story and also sharing the rumors shows the fun perspective. However, having a statement on the importance of the vessels to the student community doesn’t really connect with the mystery of the ship. It’s interesting that the ship is still listed on the school website. I feel like that article jumps around so try to make sure everything connects together. The closing statements leave the story with a ‘Who done it” vibe which is interesting. It’s a great article but i think it could use a little more character.
Cole –
Accessibility is a topic our school could improve on but I think highlighting that keyword earlier as a headline and the punchline as the subtitle will help keep that tone you have but make it more clear. Mentioning stairs is the most obvious obstacle but also talk about the lack of ramps in the freshman area. Getting a student’s opinion is great and the comment on wanting to be in Featherman if anything happens really shares the tone of this situation. However, expanding your quotes and intake of information might be beneficial to show the other side of this story. Interviewing a staff member of housing or facilities might help share their perspective on the matter. This seems to be a more first-year-focused problem and it’s a great topic for incoming students to know about.
Cole- I found that your article was really informative as a whole and for the most part it flowed really well there wasn’t any parts where I felt that the paper was dragging on which is a good thing. I enjoyed your headline a lot as well I think it’s an engaging way to bring your audience in right away. I thought your quotes were very impactful and informative to the paper however I think if you were able to land a quote from housing it would make this piece that much better than it already is. I think adding in that Featherman is the only handicap accessible building for freshman is very important to add as well so I liked that part.
Kristen- This article is very well written and interesting, and I also really like both the headline and subhead line, I thought they were attention grabbing and make the reader want to read more which is always a good thing. I think your angle is very strong even if you’re not a marine major, it’s still interesting to hear about an alleged on-campus mystery that people may or may not know about. I also thought your quotes did a great job at adding more depth to the story and did a good job at adding more information and context.
Caitlyn- Your article was really informative, and it seems as if you really did a lot of research on your topic in order to back up what you were writing about. I think one thing you could work on is making this feel less like a scientific paper and more like a feature I think because of how wordy and lengthy some of the sections are it feels like in a way it drags on just a little and you may lose reader attention when that. happens. I think your angle is clear and relevant because most students at UNE are definitely aware of the high prices towards housing something I think you could try and do is get a quote from someone at housing and ask what the thought process is on why housing is so expensive and their thoughts on students constantly trying to live off campus. Overall, I enjoyed the piece just some minor things to tweak.
Sarah Bedore- I liked how your article stays on topic the whole time and doesn’t drift into different areas, I think it makes the writing flow better as a whole and makes it easier to read for the reader. The structure of the piece is a lot good and looks like a professional paper. I think you may also be able to benefit from shortening the lede just a little to make the story somewhat more digestible. I think those multiple voices that are heard throughout are very important to convey the message you’re trying to convey. Speaking to someone in the mail department about the functions of the mail room would be very beneficial.
cole-
Your anecdotal lede and headline do a fantastic job of introducing the narrative in a way that keeps me interested and wanting to read on. I truly enjoyed your essay. Since RAs are employees of the school but, more importantly, are also students, speaking with several of them is a great opportunity to learn about the administrative side of things. There are two or three very large paragraphs. As you continue to type and arrange your ideas, it may be helpful to refer back to our class notes and identify the obvious places of breakage. It would be beneficial to include those quotations from the RAs that stick out, especially when you have such powerful quotes from them. The way you are able to get into a more comprehensive analysis of how UNE might be able to focus on improving housing practices generally is a really intriguing part of the tale. If this is something you want to develop further, do you think you could acquire some quotations from students who live in triples that are supposed to be doubles? That way, you could include their first-hand accounts of the events in the narrative? Additionally, as you identify the perspective and subject of your article, it can be helpful to outline any additional points you would like to make on UNE’s use of accommodations earlier on.
Kristen-
I adore this tale, and despite its lighthearted nature, you do a fantastic job of preserving its formality. Because you keep the headline more ambiguous and the reader unsure of the article’s intended path, your header and subhead effectively highlight this balance. I am forced to read on as you do as you go farther into the subhead! I would make a little formatting/style suggestion: consider keeping your paragraph indents aligned to the left, or consider doing otherwise. Going on to your quotes, I like how you began with Dr. Tilburg’s remarks and then used those to frame the rest of the piece by examining how a straightforward answer could be the subject of so many theories. I also appreciate how you use the narrative to highlight the more serious ramifications of withholding information from the public, and I think your quotation from Payne makes a big difference in this regard.
Caitlyn-
This is a really engaging tale, and I believe the headline effectively conveys the story’s purpose. As you continue to develop, a subheadline may help provide more context and serve as another hook for the reader. I appreciate how you described the tutoring as “daunting” in your lede, which is succinct but provides useful information on what you will be discussing. A small recommendation for the lede would be to omit the Biddeford ME because you already supply that situational information with UNE and we don’t need it in a feature narrative. This is a really engaging tale, and I believe the headline effectively conveys the story’s purpose. As you continue to develop, a subheadline may help provide more context and serve as another hook for the reader. I appreciate how you described the tutoring as “daunting” in your lede, which is succinct but provides useful information on what you will be discussing. A small recommendation for the lede would be to omit the Biddeford ME because you already supply that situational information with UNE and we don’t need it in a feature narrative.
Sarah Bedore-
It has a great flow, and I appreciate how your headline and subheading work together to draw the reader in and then go into more detail on some of the article’s features. Your lede is a little bit lengthy yet has a lot of information. When I tried to narrow my lede, though, one thing I considered doing was figuring out what information was still important to the story but could be better placed elsewhere. This would free up some space in the lede to add that feature story quality with less formality and perhaps even a clever hook to keep readers interested. I appreciate how you used Lapirere’s words into your piece’s story to create the impression of a discussion rather than just a collection of isolated quotes. As you edit and work on this story, as a reader, I would like to see more about the non-student employees who work in the mail room. This could help you with your angle when you discuss the communication issues that arise between the mail facilities staff and the students who work and want to pick up packages.