Finn McDonough:
In Finn’s piece I think the title is good however I think the lead could use a bit more of a focus. Finn talks about two different ideas and while they can go together I think the story would flow better to focus the importance in the lead and then in the story have the team’s success as a supporting detail to why it’s important, or the other way around. As far as people interviewed I think a player and the coach were really good resources to communicate the importance of this sport as well as the team’s success rates. Another component that could be improved is some simple grammar errors but upon revision can be easily correct. Overall I think the story flows very well and has a good focus.
Tony D’Arcangelo:
I really enjoyed that you can see Tony’s passion and appreciation for the sport he is writing about. I think in terms of storytelling all of the pieces are there. A suggestion I have would be to incorporate your line about how new the program is in the lead. (Where it says the concept is unheard of I think would fit really well in the lead). As far as people interviewed I think they are very informative and important to this narrative of developing a sports program. The placement of the student interview was something that really stuck out to me and something I think works really well in this piece.
Nick Corneau:
I found Nick’s piece to be very interesting based on his style of writing. I like that the whole thing is almost structured as a debate in ways like here’s a question here’s a comment and so forth to really put together a lot of information and opinions to help analyze the question he addresses in the title. However I think there is an element missing with the lead. The people interviewed were really informative on the topic at hand and as mentioned I think an interview with a larger club would really put the story to a wider lens. Something else that I think could be interesting is the debate between clubs and club sports where they are very similar in a sense but also very different.
Finn
I would get rid of the questions, and write them in as a statement, instead of having the questions just sitting there, turn them into your angle. Side note; What year was the game? You say October and a date without putting anything in for the year. I liked the people you decided to interview, I do think the use of quotes could be spread out. I think that the context as well as the backstory help your angle but it is something you need to write out rather than straight up questions. They are good. I get the storytelling techniques but they kinda disappear in the end and you just drop the story. You also have massive paragraphs in your feature.
Nick
I like the lead. It was clear with your angle which from what I can gather about how different clubs are advertised and put above other ones. The angle is drawing attention to this as well. I think you could take out that small middle paragraph after the first one/lead. I like the angle and how the interviews were presented. They helped with your original angle and you stuck with it. But the paragraphs need to be a bit more concise and you’re a little bit repetitive in the draft. Maybe for the context and backstory say more of or find an interview as to why it is important that some clubs are more recognized over others.
Tony
I like the lead and I know that the angle is about the history of the football team at UNE. I liked how you brought in the Head coach and introduced him but you refer to him as “coach” and Mike Licthen in an inconsistent form. I liked that you had multiple different people interviewed. This is one quote where I believe you repeated the first sentence twice. But it’s a good quote that ties in with what your angle is of feature which is how the football team is changing and has been made for the betterment of the campus and the University of New England. I think the way you tell this story is really good, because as a reader I felt engaged and not bored with lots of strange phrasing and large paragraphs. It felt like a light nice read that isn’t repetitive and concise.
Tony: “Started from The bottom, Now were here”
I like the headline and use of popular/recognized language, but I think if you wanted to add a bit more context as to what your article will be about, the subheadline could be a great place to do that and leave the title able to have that anecdotal quality. As we have mentioned in class, I don’t think we need to include Biddeford ME like in hard news, but that is a quick drafting edit. Your lede provides a lot of good information, and this “constant upward trend” you mention immediately lets me know the piece’s direction and focus. The following nutgraph does a great job laying out some important timelines and gives context to UNE’s steps and how relatively new a team we are. Implementing some quotes from the head coach is super helpful, and one suggestion I might add is in that paragraph where you first quote Lichten, there could be three separate quotes within that one long quote. It could help if you want to focus in on each and help break up a few of those important concepts. I feel your conclusion does a great job of highlighting the impact section of the article, being how, in a very short amount of time, UNE football has started to make a name for itself and gain some recognition.
Finn: “Rugby Matters”
I think the headline is very to the point, a bit short at the moment, and I’m wondering if, as you continue to draft and find that central focus, you might add anything to help hook the reader. Your subheadline gives some good context into why rugby is important. However, from the headline and subhead, I’m not entirely sure what direction the piece is heading – whether it is why they had a rough season or why rugby matters. Your lede clarifies this a bit, and I think what was throwing me off just a bit was the placement of the stats from the previous season – one suggestion I might add is allowing the lede to remain clear to your overarching point of looking into “why is rugby important to the players, what are the challenges the men’s team faces, and how will the team be able to adjust and continue forward?” and save those helpful stats for the nutgraph. You have great quotes from players to the coach, and you have gotten a lot of information, but as a reader of this type of journalistic story, I think it is hard to keep the flow and move through the piece with such large paragraphs and numerous quotes within each one. You definitely have so many options, and spacing out the information might help your readers move through the piece and recognize what is significant. I like the move you make in the concluding remarks as you wrap up the impact and propel us to look forward and appreciate the hopeful attitudes UNE is bringing to rugby in the future.
Nick: “Is there favoritism within clubs from the higher-ups?”
I really like this story in general and find it super interesting as someone who runs a new and relatively small club – it can feel overwhelming with the number of clubs on campus. I like your headline and wonder if you might also think about taking some of what you lay out in the lede and working that into a subhead – you definitely have some great insights, but in moving one or two to the headline, you might have more room in lede to provide a glimpse into your impact. One very small observation I have is when you quote from Frank Mangiacapra, it might be best to say, “The first question to Mangiacapra…” instead of Frank for a formality standard and to keep that consistent throughout. I think interviewing Morgan Riessen is also a great move – she is directly involved in all things club and will give your story credibility and fairness. As for the focus of the piece, if you wanted to solidify that angle aspect of the story, one way might be as part of your concluding thoughts on why certain clubs still feel they have a different experience than bigger or more established clubs on campus. Another minor suggestion – as I know you are still working and editing as we go – is to try to find those natural pauses and breaking points within some of your larger paragraphs; I think it might help the flow.
Tony:
Lead: I think this lead is well written and engaging! I would definitely add a subhead, as I think it would contextualize the story more and make it a little clearer for the reader. Additionally, there are some grammatical errors that need to be fixed, and I think adding a little more relevant information about the team to tie in the rest of the article would make the flow of the piece much better. But, I think you have a really good start.
People interviewed/Quotes: I think the people you’ve chosen to interview have added a lot to the piece, and they have really important perspectives that help the story unfurl. I think adding some more voices of the athletes and relevant faculty could be beneficial, but I think the content you already have is well contextualized within the story. With the quotes, I would work on paring them down into more digestible pieces.
Context/backstory: You have a lot of the history of the team and UNE’s athletics in the piece already, and I think it was a great move to prioritize that info. I think you’ve done a great job at presenting the history, and slowly moving into the present day.
Impact/audience: I think that this story is very compelling and, as someone who doesn’t usually engage with sports, it even caught my attention, so great job!
Finn:
Lead: I like how straight-forward the lead is, but I do think it needs a bit more information and background about the rugby team. Not too much, but just enough to add some context and pull the reader in. I also think the subhead might be a little redundant, so I would work on maybe reworking it.
People interviewed/Quotes: I like how you have some player perspectives in the piece, and I think they add a lot to it. I would add some relevant faculty voices or even maybe enjoyers of rugby, to more fully encompass the story. I would also pare down some of the quotes and fix some of the grammar in them, but I think you have a lot of really valuable information from those interviews, so make sure to capture what counts, and incorporate it into your article.
Context/backstory: Since this story relies so heavily on context, I’m really glad you’ve added a LOT into the piece. I think that it could be cool to maybe find some history of the team that could maybe inform some of the questions being asked in the article: was there ever a similar season to this one? What were some of the factors that were at play in that situation?
Impact/audience: I think that this story is already pretty approachable for a wide array of readers (sports fans and non sports fans), so nice work on that front! I think paring down some of the paragraphs and quotes, as well as adding some more background could make it even more digestible than it already is, but overall great job!
Nick:
Lead: I think you ask some very compelling questions in the lead, but it is a bit wordy and confusing at times. I would suggest reading through it aloud to yourself to maybe help cut down some of those redundant portions, and I think it will also help to fix some grammatical mistakes as well. But I think you have a concept that could go far!
People interviewed/Quotes: I think you’ve interviewed some important people, who are relevant to your topic! I would suggest maybe trying to get the student angle, asking a student who may be involved in multiple clubs of varying popularity, or even the faculty perspective, like interviewing a club advisor or other relevant faculty member.
Context/backstory: I think you could maybe investigate into budgetary aspects, like which clubs are allocated how much money, how often are certain clubs able to meet, and so on. I also think researching into UNE’s history surrounding clubs, or any potential controversies that have come up on campus regarding this specific topic.
Impact/audience: Since most students are involved in/want to be involved in clubs, I think that this article has the potential to be very meaningful to a large audience. Especially for students who are loyal to the smaller clubs, this could be a big step in helping students advocate for their club in a way that will make change!
Your lead is very factual, but I think it could use some changes in terms of setting a scene and telling a story. How can you bring people in to your narrative? It would be nice to also include a directing focus, meaning like making the claim that the team has improved the campus culture.
I think your angle is clear, in that you’re telling the story of the football team at UNE. I would like to know about how the team has bettered the campus culture.
I think the people you interviewed are relevant, and I like the background you give for Lichten is really good. Make sure you refer to the people you interviewed using the same name throughout. It would also be great to have a interview with someone from the athletics committee that could weigh in on the decision to create the team.
I think your use of quotations could be improved. Some of the quotes you use are quite long, and could be parted out to still make the point, but just have less text.
I’d like to have context when it comes to specific terms you mentioned. You make mention of the team being named “All CCC” which I’m not sure the meaning of. I’d just make sure that you explain any football-specific terms briefly to ensure that anybody reading the article understands.
You have some good elements of storytelling in your article. Your lead could use some more of these elements. I’d just add a bit more about the path from their previous record to now and how it was achieved through training/experience.
For the impact, I think drilling down specifically on how the team has improved campus culture would improve the article’s impact.
Nick,
Your lead is a little long. I think it could be shortened easily. I think you could use your first sentence as a sub headline and move a lot of your writing to the nut graph.
I think your angle is interesting; obviously there are clubs that receive better funding than others, but I just wonder where the initial thought was coming from. I think possibly focusing on one or two bigger clubs could have a better narrative than a general question.
I like that you have the coordinator of student engagement as a interview. It would be good to have an interview with a bigger club.
For usage of quotes, make each quote it’s own paragraph. You also shouldn’t need to attribute quotes by adding the name in parentheses; the person speaking should be shown in the sentence preceding.
I’d like more context in the article. I wonder why the question interested you in the first place. It would be really interesting if you managed to get some numbers on the amount of spending towards different clubs and talk about why that’s the case.
You could add storytelling in your article. I think it would be interesting if you could add more of a hook to your lead/sub headline, making the article a question about where the money is being spend and what clubs (if they do) get preferential treatment.
I think the impact and audience are good. Most people would be interested to hear about the efforts made by different clubs and their relative popularity on campus. The one thing I think would add to the impact is some information about the amount of spending on the different clubs on campus and the justification for the spending.
Finn-
Love the headline where it shows exactly what the paper will be about as well as shows emotion and attachment to the paper. I love the approach of just because they had a bad season doesn’t change the sport or the team. The writing style of the story is also great, and I love how much detail and care is put into each part. I would loom to split up some paragraphs into smaller ones if possible, however if not in wouldn’t take away from the paper in my opinion. I would be interested to see this piece either re-worked or incorporate the women’s rugby team and quotes from them. I think a lot of what you’re saying involves in the sport of rugby itself so talking about both teams could be an interesting approach and add even more eyes.
Tony-
I both love the headline in where I love the inspiration as well as how it fits with your paper. However, I would possibly use it as a sub headline or add to it at the end something that talks about football for example say the quote then after say the UNE football story. Potentially a story you would like to add it how did the committee make the decision that this was the moment for football to come to UNE. Possibly with adding that you can talk to someone in the committee or was at the committee meeting and get a great quote from that. As with most first drafts look to shorten the paragraphs as well as looking at some wording and grammar things. Overall, I love the direction you took the paper as well as the use of quotes. I see a true passion and care behind the paper as well.
Finn –
Good opening statements, it’s clear what this article is about. The following article gives a good recap of the rugby teams struggles and giving context to the formation of the team. I like how the article describes using a quote the issue of people on the team and playing the game, if another team has more players that can get tiring quick. It’s also good to get a coaches perspective and their explanation as to why the season is rough. Campus moral can play a part, and the amount of players but the coach makes a great point when he talks about the perceived vibe of the team and sport itself. Pointing out the positives like changing the number of players and that that version is becoming more popular is a great thing to hear for the schools sport. The conclusion is good and so is the entire article. Maybe look for breaks in the words so it keeps readers attention and try to add a little spark to the words like humor? Keep it interesting but overall a super organized piece.
Tony –
The headline and subtitle are clear and tell the readers exactly what the article is about. In the first few sentences there’s some grammatical mistakes. Reptation is good but also be careful not to repeat information when thinking about word count. I like how the article does a good job of describing the hiring and formation process of the football team. The last sentence is the fourth paragraph could be really impactful but the structure is a little funny, remember reading over the article word for word can help an author get their point across. Both quotes are great by demonstrating how football has helped the schools population and campus culture. It’s also important that you included what the coaches are looking for and what their goal is. Getting quotes from the actually players is great to show just how impactful the team has been for the school. The closing statements sum up the article perfectly showing how this fairly new team rose to where they are now. Look through for grammar and punctuation.
Nick –
The headline is great and super eye-catching but I think some separation during the first paragraph/subline will keep it clear and concise. It asks a lot of great questions but it could be reorganized to put those somewhere else like the second paragraph. It reads a little like an essay which may make it difficult to keep readers’ attention, very formal rather than a feature soft news article. I like how you got a student/club organizer’s opinion to show that yes, the school does advertise some clubs over the others. Then getting a perspective from the student coordinator and her goals shows maybe some improvements can be made but that they are trying. Her ending quote is really great shows the ultimate goals of the school. The conclusion is great too and mentions a lot of key information to sum up the article. Although it’s a great closing sentence, using what was just said to close the article feels a little repetitive, try keep it at it’s core but changing it up.
Tony
The lead provides good background information about how the football team was initiated, and how they decided they needed a football team as their change. Wondering if you could ask someone who was on the athletic director board back in 2016 for a comment on how/why the change was made. I like that you almost dramatize the changing of culture on campus. Your headline is decent, but I think you should add a subhead with something foreshadowing this transformation. Interviewing the coach, a player, and the head recruiter were good choices, but definitely take yourself out of the interviews by removing “I” and moving the quotes onto their own line. Your quotes are quite long, but I think they add necessary context and input from those most involved in the program. It is nice to see the shift in the program to a more uplifting and energetic environment. The audience could be any UNE student or community member who is interested in the formation of the football team.
Finn
Currently, your lead and the subheading are the same. This repetition of the same questions is unnecessary here, and should be in either the subhead or the lead. Taking an angle on the challenges faced by the Rugby team in their past season sets up the quotes nicely. Your interview with the senior rugby player brings the disadvantage UNE’s team faces to light, but I would suggest moving the quotes to their own lines. At the end of the third paragraph, you state that the program has not been long-running. Here, I am confused about how long the program has been running, and including that in your lead/earlier would be great so the reader understands its impact. The men’s rugby coach had great input on the situation, explaining why the numbers are so low. But if numbers are only low here at UNE, why is that? I feel like saying that we were outnumbered everywhere else – and then having the coach say the sport is misinterpreted – but we are the only ones with low enrollment – then is UNE recruiting/engagement the problem? It is good to hear that there is a solution in progress with the lowering format to sevens next season. The audience could be anyone at UNE or interested in rugby, as I was unaware that this was an issue, so it is interesting to learn about this.
Nick
Starting off, the text here is a little challenging to read. With grammatical errors and some wording that is a little awkward, I would suggest having someone read this to you, or read it aloud yourself. With your initial question, it feels like investigative journalism, which you also demonstrate as you move into the interviews. I am not sure about the interview format, to be honest. I think they could be reworded to avoid sounding like an interviewer and an interviewee and to instead be quoted on the matter by the heads of clubs without the inserted questions. I am so glad you got to talk to the student engagement coordinator on campus – that adds great credibility. You add significant context to how the clubs are advertised; I wonder about potentially mentioning club fairs somewhere. I definitely recommend reading it aloud or throwing this into a grammar-checker since it was tricky at some points throughout, but overall, you get the point across in this draft. The audience could be anyone at UNE, in or out of a club, since it relates to potential favoritism from higher-ups. It also gets repetitive at the end, so I would try to reword some stuff or cut it out altogether.
Finn
This article is clear and I understand the direction that you’re going with. As someone who has played rugby before and am passionate about the sport of rugby I understand how it may get swept under the rug in terms of “relevant sports” I think that This is a great advertisement of the team and that someone who may want to play rugby may look at this and think that they should give it a shot. Aside from that I think that you need to apply some aspects of storytelling and have fun with the feature. This is clearly something that you’re interested in, so put some of that positive energy into the story. Also I would add more breaks in the paragraphs in order to make the piece easier to read. I also like how your ending makes people want to wonder what is going to happen next with UNE rugby.
Nick
First off there are a lot of grammatical errors in the piece, not a terrible thing for a draft but it’s an easy fix for when you’re working on the finished piece.I also like your paragraph breaks and I like how the story reads. I also think that you need to have breaks when you do your quotes. I also think that the article has good quotes.I also think that this is a really good story and I’m looking forward to the final draft. Clubs are some of the things that I never hear about so hearing some of the inner workings and how these clubs are operating and the students and faculty seem to be passionate about these clubs which is always good to see!
This is a really great story! It is very obvious that you are passionate about the topic, and it comes through in the detail of the writing. This story is very well informed, and the information included in your interviews provides a very well-rounded view of the history and current state of the UNE football program.
Overall, I think the piece is missing a bit more student perspective. An interview with another student would be beneficial to show the student’s experience on the team a bit more thoroughly. Either another interview or adding more information from the final interview in the piece would fill it out a bit more. Also, I think reading the piece aloud is a good idea, as there are some run ons and awkward wording that removes the reader from the experience. The layout and organization of information works very well, so I would keep this the same. Also, I love the headline!
Finn:
This story is incredibly well written and informative. It is formatted in a way that makes a lot of sense, and the quotes fit into the story perfectly. The article brings the reader through the history of the men’s rugby team on campus and launches into the possible reasoning for the team’s poor performance lately. This is the focus of the article, and it is made very clear.
To improve an already great article, I would workshop the headline a bit, as it is quite vague. When deciding on a headline, think about your focus of the recent losses that rugby has been experiencing, and move forward from there. Also, I would change up the subhead line and the lede, and remove some of the questions. Also, the sub headline and the lede provide the same information, so I would change one of them to be less repetitive. Overall, this is a really great article.
Nick:
I think this article is off to a good start, as the information is all there, it is just the organization that needs work. In the headline, I would specify that you are writing about clubs at UNE, as the reader would have no idea what to expect if it just says clubs. Also, it would be super beneficial to read this article aloud, as it is full of run on sentences and awkward wording that make it really hard to understand at times. I can tell that the information is there, and that it is good info, but it is hard to understand at parts.
When formatting your quotes, you can take the parenthesis with the speaker’s name out, as you do not need to state who is talking twice. The paragraphs are quite large, and breaking these up might make the article a bit more digestible. The lede gets straight to the point, but maybe adding a bit of drama might help, as this is a topic that you could dramatize. Overall, great work, and I think you’re off to a great start!
Tony- I liked your background a lot. It adds a lot of information about the football program and truly how new it is. I do like your story telling aspect and you can tell this is something that you are passionate about. I think you could maybe add a little more context in your sub headline and headline because it is kind of vague, but I did like the reference to drake. Your nut graph does a very good job as well. Overall, I really like what you have so far. There are definitely things to work on like the spelling error in the headline and a repetitive sentence when talking about one of your quotes. I think you could also condense some of your longer paragraphs into smaller sections.
Finn- I liked how straightforward your headline was but I’m wondering if you could spice it up a little bit solely for engagement purposes. I think your lede could use some more focus. You talk about two different topics at times which may be confusing to the reader so I would try and just focus on one to make it easier on the reader. Your quotes are strong. I think they add value and importance to your writing especially with who you got the quotes from people who have experienced the trials and tribulations that you mention while reading. I did think your conclusion did a good job at looking at rugby’s impact on une.
Nick- In general I liked your story; I think your headline grabs the attention of the reader almost immediately and it makes you want to read more. I liked the style and flow of the writing it was very easy to follow along with which makes it easier in the reader. I think there are definite spots where you can condense or honestly just delete some of the small paragraphs just from a redundancy standpoint. I think you could definitely cut down your first quote paragraph and make that into some smaller paragraphs as it is wordy and long.
I think this is a really interesting topic and has a lot of potential. First I would like to point out what I liked about the piece. I really liked the quotes that were included specifically “Yes, I do see there being other clubs promoted more and I do see the popularity from the students potentially being a factor in that” and “Just because you are a small group, doesn’t mean you can’t make a big impact” . I also really liked the rhetorical question at the end of the second paragraph “However, one thing to look at is this a university promotion problem or is this the students giving clubs more favoritism than others?” . Now for the critiques. I feel that the first sentence could be worded a little better “here are various clubs on campus however the question arises of are their clubs who are more favored than others by promotors of the school?” Maybe instead you could say something like there are a variety of clubs offered on the UNE campus and they all have various strategies of promotion, some more aggressive and some are less aggressive. This leads some to wonder are certain clubs being favored over others? Why might this be? The next two sentences after the first sentence aren’t super relevant to the story and can be cut for economy purposes. In the first paragraph you say the question arises twice so it sounds repetitive. The last sentence of the first paragraph is also worded a little weird.” how does the university and the students promoting and are their potential favoritism to clubs who are more popular or possibly more profitable?” Maybe instead you could say something like How do the universities promoting strategies and favoritism take part in recruiting new members and keeping new and active members engaged. When referring to “higher ups” who exactly are we referring to could you be a little more specific. I feel like after this sentence in the last paragraph “the higher-ups have no favoritism at UNE. Each clubs have the tools to achieve their biggest dreams.” it would be good to add something about how the university could help more with promotion but ultimately it should be the responsibility of the leaders/ presidents of the club to step up to the plate and come up with new and creative ways to promote their clubs on different platforms if attendance is not the best. If the clubs want to be promoted in the breeze they should be advocating for themselves. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Overall I feel that this is a good story and that reading the piece out loud could really help with finding the spelling and grammar errors and also help to make the piece flow a little better.
Feedback for Tony:
I think there are a lot of really great things about this piece and I really liked the storytelling throughout. I liked the creative headline and liked the background details of how the program was started. I also really liked the quotes that were included. I thought they were all really relevant to the story and brought the piece to life. The last sentence of the piece was also really good and a nice way to tie the story together. Now for my critiques, I don’t have many. First you refer to the NCAA rules for someone who doesn’t know sports at all like me. What’s the NCAA? When you are introducing coach Ruest’s quote you include the question you asked him and instead of doing that maybe you could say something like coach Ruest shared what he looks for while recruiting to introduce the quote. I think that this sentence “All conference and winning seasons aside the program and coaches have done so much for the campus community.” could be split into two sentences. Get rid of the and and start a new sentence at coaches I also think you could go a little more in depth about what exactly the coaches have sacrificed for the football/campus community. When you are introducing Trenton before his quote I think it’s important to Introduce that he’s a football player before the quote. Something like Football player Trenton “Tj” Jackson class of 24′ said….. Also in Trentons quote there is an accidental repeat you say is a roller coaster twice. The last thing is that I think there could be some more statistics in there that could help beef up the story. That’s all I have for Tony. Overall I think this piece is well written and has a good storyline.
Feedback for Finn:
My critiques for Finn are as follows. I think that the headline is Way too long. It should just be left at “the UNE mens rugby team has had a tough previous season.” Although I don’t find that headline to be very intriguing. Maybe try to use some creative language. The parts where you list questions like here “Why did the season go this way, why is rugby important to the players, what are the challenges the men’s team faces, and how will the team be able to adjust and continue forward?” and here What caused the streak of losses, and what can be done to fix it? I feel like these are good questions that you should be asking yourself to help create the story but should not be included in the piece. In the part where you say “Without the prestige of a long-running rugby program, it’s much more difficult to drive engagement from students. “ I think it would be a good place to add some potential solutions that the team could pursue for that. New promotion techniques such as making social media, making more posters, setting up meetings trying to recruit more people, getting flyers/advertisements in the breeze or in the bolt sending out promotional emails etc. When you say that there is a “misguided perception of rugby” this would be a good place to add some solutions for the misguided perceptions. How can the rugby community change the perception to ultimately get more people involved. I also think that would be a better headline. Something about the misguided perception of rugby. There are also a few grammar errors throughout. That’s all I have for Finn.
Tony:
There are some grammatical errors that should be fixed and some language choices that could be fixed for clarity. I think that some data could be provided regarding victories when they’re mentioned, to add credibility to the statements. I think it could also be useful to interview students who are not associated with the football time and ask if they go to the games, why/why not, what they like about them etc. but I think that this article does a good job of showing how much pride the UNE football has in themselves.
Finn:
I think that this is a great piece, but maybe some context could be provided in order for readers t compare their recent performance to their performance in the past—maybe season stats of past years? This could help to keep readers engaged and wanting to finish the story a little bit more, and it also develops their understanding of the issue at hand.
Nick:
“The higher-ups” is really vague, so I think above all this should be clarified. There are also grammatical errors which should be addressed once this gets polished. I think you could also go more into detail on other small clubs which are working hard and are underrepresented to back up your claim a little bit better. It could also be helpful to try to get access to the process by which clubs earn a budget, because I’m sure there are some that have a bigger one than others, who decides this, and how big the disparity is.
I really enjoy how you show your passion for the sport you are writing about. I think you tell a really good story and nail all of the pieces you need for it. I think your interviews are perfect for this and they really hit and are very informative. The one thing I suggest about lichtens interview is to stay consistent cause you say coach and Mike Lichten just make sure to keep it consistent. As a reader I felt very engaged and I was really interested in learning the history of the football program.
Finn:
The one thing I suggest is to get rid of the questions and make them as statements. Also there is no year for the game so I don’t know if it was this past October or October 10 years ago. I think the people interviewed are very informative. The story does have minor grammar errors but once you get into editing more it will turn out to be a good solid story. Overall the story flows well and tells a very good story.
Nick:
I like how this article is structured more of a debate and really helps tell the story. The angle of your story draws good attention and I think it will draw readers into the story you are writing about. It can definitely be overwhelming with how many clubs are on campus but I think you do a really good job with telling which ones are the biggest.
14 thoughts on “FEEDBACK GROUP # 3”
Finn McDonough:
In Finn’s piece I think the title is good however I think the lead could use a bit more of a focus. Finn talks about two different ideas and while they can go together I think the story would flow better to focus the importance in the lead and then in the story have the team’s success as a supporting detail to why it’s important, or the other way around. As far as people interviewed I think a player and the coach were really good resources to communicate the importance of this sport as well as the team’s success rates. Another component that could be improved is some simple grammar errors but upon revision can be easily correct. Overall I think the story flows very well and has a good focus.
Tony D’Arcangelo:
I really enjoyed that you can see Tony’s passion and appreciation for the sport he is writing about. I think in terms of storytelling all of the pieces are there. A suggestion I have would be to incorporate your line about how new the program is in the lead. (Where it says the concept is unheard of I think would fit really well in the lead). As far as people interviewed I think they are very informative and important to this narrative of developing a sports program. The placement of the student interview was something that really stuck out to me and something I think works really well in this piece.
Nick Corneau:
I found Nick’s piece to be very interesting based on his style of writing. I like that the whole thing is almost structured as a debate in ways like here’s a question here’s a comment and so forth to really put together a lot of information and opinions to help analyze the question he addresses in the title. However I think there is an element missing with the lead. The people interviewed were really informative on the topic at hand and as mentioned I think an interview with a larger club would really put the story to a wider lens. Something else that I think could be interesting is the debate between clubs and club sports where they are very similar in a sense but also very different.
Feedback Group #3
Finn
I would get rid of the questions, and write them in as a statement, instead of having the questions just sitting there, turn them into your angle. Side note; What year was the game? You say October and a date without putting anything in for the year. I liked the people you decided to interview, I do think the use of quotes could be spread out. I think that the context as well as the backstory help your angle but it is something you need to write out rather than straight up questions. They are good. I get the storytelling techniques but they kinda disappear in the end and you just drop the story. You also have massive paragraphs in your feature.
Nick
I like the lead. It was clear with your angle which from what I can gather about how different clubs are advertised and put above other ones. The angle is drawing attention to this as well. I think you could take out that small middle paragraph after the first one/lead. I like the angle and how the interviews were presented. They helped with your original angle and you stuck with it. But the paragraphs need to be a bit more concise and you’re a little bit repetitive in the draft. Maybe for the context and backstory say more of or find an interview as to why it is important that some clubs are more recognized over others.
Tony
I like the lead and I know that the angle is about the history of the football team at UNE. I liked how you brought in the Head coach and introduced him but you refer to him as “coach” and Mike Licthen in an inconsistent form. I liked that you had multiple different people interviewed. This is one quote where I believe you repeated the first sentence twice. But it’s a good quote that ties in with what your angle is of feature which is how the football team is changing and has been made for the betterment of the campus and the University of New England. I think the way you tell this story is really good, because as a reader I felt engaged and not bored with lots of strange phrasing and large paragraphs. It felt like a light nice read that isn’t repetitive and concise.
Tony: “Started from The bottom, Now were here”
I like the headline and use of popular/recognized language, but I think if you wanted to add a bit more context as to what your article will be about, the subheadline could be a great place to do that and leave the title able to have that anecdotal quality. As we have mentioned in class, I don’t think we need to include Biddeford ME like in hard news, but that is a quick drafting edit. Your lede provides a lot of good information, and this “constant upward trend” you mention immediately lets me know the piece’s direction and focus. The following nutgraph does a great job laying out some important timelines and gives context to UNE’s steps and how relatively new a team we are. Implementing some quotes from the head coach is super helpful, and one suggestion I might add is in that paragraph where you first quote Lichten, there could be three separate quotes within that one long quote. It could help if you want to focus in on each and help break up a few of those important concepts. I feel your conclusion does a great job of highlighting the impact section of the article, being how, in a very short amount of time, UNE football has started to make a name for itself and gain some recognition.
Finn: “Rugby Matters”
I think the headline is very to the point, a bit short at the moment, and I’m wondering if, as you continue to draft and find that central focus, you might add anything to help hook the reader. Your subheadline gives some good context into why rugby is important. However, from the headline and subhead, I’m not entirely sure what direction the piece is heading – whether it is why they had a rough season or why rugby matters. Your lede clarifies this a bit, and I think what was throwing me off just a bit was the placement of the stats from the previous season – one suggestion I might add is allowing the lede to remain clear to your overarching point of looking into “why is rugby important to the players, what are the challenges the men’s team faces, and how will the team be able to adjust and continue forward?” and save those helpful stats for the nutgraph. You have great quotes from players to the coach, and you have gotten a lot of information, but as a reader of this type of journalistic story, I think it is hard to keep the flow and move through the piece with such large paragraphs and numerous quotes within each one. You definitely have so many options, and spacing out the information might help your readers move through the piece and recognize what is significant. I like the move you make in the concluding remarks as you wrap up the impact and propel us to look forward and appreciate the hopeful attitudes UNE is bringing to rugby in the future.
Nick: “Is there favoritism within clubs from the higher-ups?”
I really like this story in general and find it super interesting as someone who runs a new and relatively small club – it can feel overwhelming with the number of clubs on campus. I like your headline and wonder if you might also think about taking some of what you lay out in the lede and working that into a subhead – you definitely have some great insights, but in moving one or two to the headline, you might have more room in lede to provide a glimpse into your impact. One very small observation I have is when you quote from Frank Mangiacapra, it might be best to say, “The first question to Mangiacapra…” instead of Frank for a formality standard and to keep that consistent throughout. I think interviewing Morgan Riessen is also a great move – she is directly involved in all things club and will give your story credibility and fairness. As for the focus of the piece, if you wanted to solidify that angle aspect of the story, one way might be as part of your concluding thoughts on why certain clubs still feel they have a different experience than bigger or more established clubs on campus. Another minor suggestion – as I know you are still working and editing as we go – is to try to find those natural pauses and breaking points within some of your larger paragraphs; I think it might help the flow.
Tony:
Lead: I think this lead is well written and engaging! I would definitely add a subhead, as I think it would contextualize the story more and make it a little clearer for the reader. Additionally, there are some grammatical errors that need to be fixed, and I think adding a little more relevant information about the team to tie in the rest of the article would make the flow of the piece much better. But, I think you have a really good start.
People interviewed/Quotes: I think the people you’ve chosen to interview have added a lot to the piece, and they have really important perspectives that help the story unfurl. I think adding some more voices of the athletes and relevant faculty could be beneficial, but I think the content you already have is well contextualized within the story. With the quotes, I would work on paring them down into more digestible pieces.
Context/backstory: You have a lot of the history of the team and UNE’s athletics in the piece already, and I think it was a great move to prioritize that info. I think you’ve done a great job at presenting the history, and slowly moving into the present day.
Impact/audience: I think that this story is very compelling and, as someone who doesn’t usually engage with sports, it even caught my attention, so great job!
Finn:
Lead: I like how straight-forward the lead is, but I do think it needs a bit more information and background about the rugby team. Not too much, but just enough to add some context and pull the reader in. I also think the subhead might be a little redundant, so I would work on maybe reworking it.
People interviewed/Quotes: I like how you have some player perspectives in the piece, and I think they add a lot to it. I would add some relevant faculty voices or even maybe enjoyers of rugby, to more fully encompass the story. I would also pare down some of the quotes and fix some of the grammar in them, but I think you have a lot of really valuable information from those interviews, so make sure to capture what counts, and incorporate it into your article.
Context/backstory: Since this story relies so heavily on context, I’m really glad you’ve added a LOT into the piece. I think that it could be cool to maybe find some history of the team that could maybe inform some of the questions being asked in the article: was there ever a similar season to this one? What were some of the factors that were at play in that situation?
Impact/audience: I think that this story is already pretty approachable for a wide array of readers (sports fans and non sports fans), so nice work on that front! I think paring down some of the paragraphs and quotes, as well as adding some more background could make it even more digestible than it already is, but overall great job!
Nick:
Lead: I think you ask some very compelling questions in the lead, but it is a bit wordy and confusing at times. I would suggest reading through it aloud to yourself to maybe help cut down some of those redundant portions, and I think it will also help to fix some grammatical mistakes as well. But I think you have a concept that could go far!
People interviewed/Quotes: I think you’ve interviewed some important people, who are relevant to your topic! I would suggest maybe trying to get the student angle, asking a student who may be involved in multiple clubs of varying popularity, or even the faculty perspective, like interviewing a club advisor or other relevant faculty member.
Context/backstory: I think you could maybe investigate into budgetary aspects, like which clubs are allocated how much money, how often are certain clubs able to meet, and so on. I also think researching into UNE’s history surrounding clubs, or any potential controversies that have come up on campus regarding this specific topic.
Impact/audience: Since most students are involved in/want to be involved in clubs, I think that this article has the potential to be very meaningful to a large audience. Especially for students who are loyal to the smaller clubs, this could be a big step in helping students advocate for their club in a way that will make change!
Tony,
Your lead is very factual, but I think it could use some changes in terms of setting a scene and telling a story. How can you bring people in to your narrative? It would be nice to also include a directing focus, meaning like making the claim that the team has improved the campus culture.
I think your angle is clear, in that you’re telling the story of the football team at UNE. I would like to know about how the team has bettered the campus culture.
I think the people you interviewed are relevant, and I like the background you give for Lichten is really good. Make sure you refer to the people you interviewed using the same name throughout. It would also be great to have a interview with someone from the athletics committee that could weigh in on the decision to create the team.
I think your use of quotations could be improved. Some of the quotes you use are quite long, and could be parted out to still make the point, but just have less text.
I’d like to have context when it comes to specific terms you mentioned. You make mention of the team being named “All CCC” which I’m not sure the meaning of. I’d just make sure that you explain any football-specific terms briefly to ensure that anybody reading the article understands.
You have some good elements of storytelling in your article. Your lead could use some more of these elements. I’d just add a bit more about the path from their previous record to now and how it was achieved through training/experience.
For the impact, I think drilling down specifically on how the team has improved campus culture would improve the article’s impact.
Nick,
Your lead is a little long. I think it could be shortened easily. I think you could use your first sentence as a sub headline and move a lot of your writing to the nut graph.
I think your angle is interesting; obviously there are clubs that receive better funding than others, but I just wonder where the initial thought was coming from. I think possibly focusing on one or two bigger clubs could have a better narrative than a general question.
I like that you have the coordinator of student engagement as a interview. It would be good to have an interview with a bigger club.
For usage of quotes, make each quote it’s own paragraph. You also shouldn’t need to attribute quotes by adding the name in parentheses; the person speaking should be shown in the sentence preceding.
I’d like more context in the article. I wonder why the question interested you in the first place. It would be really interesting if you managed to get some numbers on the amount of spending towards different clubs and talk about why that’s the case.
You could add storytelling in your article. I think it would be interesting if you could add more of a hook to your lead/sub headline, making the article a question about where the money is being spend and what clubs (if they do) get preferential treatment.
I think the impact and audience are good. Most people would be interested to hear about the efforts made by different clubs and their relative popularity on campus. The one thing I think would add to the impact is some information about the amount of spending on the different clubs on campus and the justification for the spending.
Finn-
Love the headline where it shows exactly what the paper will be about as well as shows emotion and attachment to the paper. I love the approach of just because they had a bad season doesn’t change the sport or the team. The writing style of the story is also great, and I love how much detail and care is put into each part. I would loom to split up some paragraphs into smaller ones if possible, however if not in wouldn’t take away from the paper in my opinion. I would be interested to see this piece either re-worked or incorporate the women’s rugby team and quotes from them. I think a lot of what you’re saying involves in the sport of rugby itself so talking about both teams could be an interesting approach and add even more eyes.
Tony-
I both love the headline in where I love the inspiration as well as how it fits with your paper. However, I would possibly use it as a sub headline or add to it at the end something that talks about football for example say the quote then after say the UNE football story. Potentially a story you would like to add it how did the committee make the decision that this was the moment for football to come to UNE. Possibly with adding that you can talk to someone in the committee or was at the committee meeting and get a great quote from that. As with most first drafts look to shorten the paragraphs as well as looking at some wording and grammar things. Overall, I love the direction you took the paper as well as the use of quotes. I see a true passion and care behind the paper as well.
Finn –
Good opening statements, it’s clear what this article is about. The following article gives a good recap of the rugby teams struggles and giving context to the formation of the team. I like how the article describes using a quote the issue of people on the team and playing the game, if another team has more players that can get tiring quick. It’s also good to get a coaches perspective and their explanation as to why the season is rough. Campus moral can play a part, and the amount of players but the coach makes a great point when he talks about the perceived vibe of the team and sport itself. Pointing out the positives like changing the number of players and that that version is becoming more popular is a great thing to hear for the schools sport. The conclusion is good and so is the entire article. Maybe look for breaks in the words so it keeps readers attention and try to add a little spark to the words like humor? Keep it interesting but overall a super organized piece.
Tony –
The headline and subtitle are clear and tell the readers exactly what the article is about. In the first few sentences there’s some grammatical mistakes. Reptation is good but also be careful not to repeat information when thinking about word count. I like how the article does a good job of describing the hiring and formation process of the football team. The last sentence is the fourth paragraph could be really impactful but the structure is a little funny, remember reading over the article word for word can help an author get their point across. Both quotes are great by demonstrating how football has helped the schools population and campus culture. It’s also important that you included what the coaches are looking for and what their goal is. Getting quotes from the actually players is great to show just how impactful the team has been for the school. The closing statements sum up the article perfectly showing how this fairly new team rose to where they are now. Look through for grammar and punctuation.
Nick –
The headline is great and super eye-catching but I think some separation during the first paragraph/subline will keep it clear and concise. It asks a lot of great questions but it could be reorganized to put those somewhere else like the second paragraph. It reads a little like an essay which may make it difficult to keep readers’ attention, very formal rather than a feature soft news article. I like how you got a student/club organizer’s opinion to show that yes, the school does advertise some clubs over the others. Then getting a perspective from the student coordinator and her goals shows maybe some improvements can be made but that they are trying. Her ending quote is really great shows the ultimate goals of the school. The conclusion is great too and mentions a lot of key information to sum up the article. Although it’s a great closing sentence, using what was just said to close the article feels a little repetitive, try keep it at it’s core but changing it up.
Tony
The lead provides good background information about how the football team was initiated, and how they decided they needed a football team as their change. Wondering if you could ask someone who was on the athletic director board back in 2016 for a comment on how/why the change was made. I like that you almost dramatize the changing of culture on campus. Your headline is decent, but I think you should add a subhead with something foreshadowing this transformation. Interviewing the coach, a player, and the head recruiter were good choices, but definitely take yourself out of the interviews by removing “I” and moving the quotes onto their own line. Your quotes are quite long, but I think they add necessary context and input from those most involved in the program. It is nice to see the shift in the program to a more uplifting and energetic environment. The audience could be any UNE student or community member who is interested in the formation of the football team.
Finn
Currently, your lead and the subheading are the same. This repetition of the same questions is unnecessary here, and should be in either the subhead or the lead. Taking an angle on the challenges faced by the Rugby team in their past season sets up the quotes nicely. Your interview with the senior rugby player brings the disadvantage UNE’s team faces to light, but I would suggest moving the quotes to their own lines. At the end of the third paragraph, you state that the program has not been long-running. Here, I am confused about how long the program has been running, and including that in your lead/earlier would be great so the reader understands its impact. The men’s rugby coach had great input on the situation, explaining why the numbers are so low. But if numbers are only low here at UNE, why is that? I feel like saying that we were outnumbered everywhere else – and then having the coach say the sport is misinterpreted – but we are the only ones with low enrollment – then is UNE recruiting/engagement the problem? It is good to hear that there is a solution in progress with the lowering format to sevens next season. The audience could be anyone at UNE or interested in rugby, as I was unaware that this was an issue, so it is interesting to learn about this.
Nick
Starting off, the text here is a little challenging to read. With grammatical errors and some wording that is a little awkward, I would suggest having someone read this to you, or read it aloud yourself. With your initial question, it feels like investigative journalism, which you also demonstrate as you move into the interviews. I am not sure about the interview format, to be honest. I think they could be reworded to avoid sounding like an interviewer and an interviewee and to instead be quoted on the matter by the heads of clubs without the inserted questions. I am so glad you got to talk to the student engagement coordinator on campus – that adds great credibility. You add significant context to how the clubs are advertised; I wonder about potentially mentioning club fairs somewhere. I definitely recommend reading it aloud or throwing this into a grammar-checker since it was tricky at some points throughout, but overall, you get the point across in this draft. The audience could be anyone at UNE, in or out of a club, since it relates to potential favoritism from higher-ups. It also gets repetitive at the end, so I would try to reword some stuff or cut it out altogether.
Finn
This article is clear and I understand the direction that you’re going with. As someone who has played rugby before and am passionate about the sport of rugby I understand how it may get swept under the rug in terms of “relevant sports” I think that This is a great advertisement of the team and that someone who may want to play rugby may look at this and think that they should give it a shot. Aside from that I think that you need to apply some aspects of storytelling and have fun with the feature. This is clearly something that you’re interested in, so put some of that positive energy into the story. Also I would add more breaks in the paragraphs in order to make the piece easier to read. I also like how your ending makes people want to wonder what is going to happen next with UNE rugby.
Nick
First off there are a lot of grammatical errors in the piece, not a terrible thing for a draft but it’s an easy fix for when you’re working on the finished piece.I also like your paragraph breaks and I like how the story reads. I also think that you need to have breaks when you do your quotes. I also think that the article has good quotes.I also think that this is a really good story and I’m looking forward to the final draft. Clubs are some of the things that I never hear about so hearing some of the inner workings and how these clubs are operating and the students and faculty seem to be passionate about these clubs which is always good to see!
Tony:
This is a really great story! It is very obvious that you are passionate about the topic, and it comes through in the detail of the writing. This story is very well informed, and the information included in your interviews provides a very well-rounded view of the history and current state of the UNE football program.
Overall, I think the piece is missing a bit more student perspective. An interview with another student would be beneficial to show the student’s experience on the team a bit more thoroughly. Either another interview or adding more information from the final interview in the piece would fill it out a bit more. Also, I think reading the piece aloud is a good idea, as there are some run ons and awkward wording that removes the reader from the experience. The layout and organization of information works very well, so I would keep this the same. Also, I love the headline!
Finn:
This story is incredibly well written and informative. It is formatted in a way that makes a lot of sense, and the quotes fit into the story perfectly. The article brings the reader through the history of the men’s rugby team on campus and launches into the possible reasoning for the team’s poor performance lately. This is the focus of the article, and it is made very clear.
To improve an already great article, I would workshop the headline a bit, as it is quite vague. When deciding on a headline, think about your focus of the recent losses that rugby has been experiencing, and move forward from there. Also, I would change up the subhead line and the lede, and remove some of the questions. Also, the sub headline and the lede provide the same information, so I would change one of them to be less repetitive. Overall, this is a really great article.
Nick:
I think this article is off to a good start, as the information is all there, it is just the organization that needs work. In the headline, I would specify that you are writing about clubs at UNE, as the reader would have no idea what to expect if it just says clubs. Also, it would be super beneficial to read this article aloud, as it is full of run on sentences and awkward wording that make it really hard to understand at times. I can tell that the information is there, and that it is good info, but it is hard to understand at parts.
When formatting your quotes, you can take the parenthesis with the speaker’s name out, as you do not need to state who is talking twice. The paragraphs are quite large, and breaking these up might make the article a bit more digestible. The lede gets straight to the point, but maybe adding a bit of drama might help, as this is a topic that you could dramatize. Overall, great work, and I think you’re off to a great start!
Tony- I liked your background a lot. It adds a lot of information about the football program and truly how new it is. I do like your story telling aspect and you can tell this is something that you are passionate about. I think you could maybe add a little more context in your sub headline and headline because it is kind of vague, but I did like the reference to drake. Your nut graph does a very good job as well. Overall, I really like what you have so far. There are definitely things to work on like the spelling error in the headline and a repetitive sentence when talking about one of your quotes. I think you could also condense some of your longer paragraphs into smaller sections.
Finn- I liked how straightforward your headline was but I’m wondering if you could spice it up a little bit solely for engagement purposes. I think your lede could use some more focus. You talk about two different topics at times which may be confusing to the reader so I would try and just focus on one to make it easier on the reader. Your quotes are strong. I think they add value and importance to your writing especially with who you got the quotes from people who have experienced the trials and tribulations that you mention while reading. I did think your conclusion did a good job at looking at rugby’s impact on une.
Nick- In general I liked your story; I think your headline grabs the attention of the reader almost immediately and it makes you want to read more. I liked the style and flow of the writing it was very easy to follow along with which makes it easier in the reader. I think there are definite spots where you can condense or honestly just delete some of the small paragraphs just from a redundancy standpoint. I think you could definitely cut down your first quote paragraph and make that into some smaller paragraphs as it is wordy and long.
Feedback For Nick:
I think this is a really interesting topic and has a lot of potential. First I would like to point out what I liked about the piece. I really liked the quotes that were included specifically “Yes, I do see there being other clubs promoted more and I do see the popularity from the students potentially being a factor in that” and “Just because you are a small group, doesn’t mean you can’t make a big impact” . I also really liked the rhetorical question at the end of the second paragraph “However, one thing to look at is this a university promotion problem or is this the students giving clubs more favoritism than others?” . Now for the critiques. I feel that the first sentence could be worded a little better “here are various clubs on campus however the question arises of are their clubs who are more favored than others by promotors of the school?” Maybe instead you could say something like there are a variety of clubs offered on the UNE campus and they all have various strategies of promotion, some more aggressive and some are less aggressive. This leads some to wonder are certain clubs being favored over others? Why might this be? The next two sentences after the first sentence aren’t super relevant to the story and can be cut for economy purposes. In the first paragraph you say the question arises twice so it sounds repetitive. The last sentence of the first paragraph is also worded a little weird.” how does the university and the students promoting and are their potential favoritism to clubs who are more popular or possibly more profitable?” Maybe instead you could say something like How do the universities promoting strategies and favoritism take part in recruiting new members and keeping new and active members engaged. When referring to “higher ups” who exactly are we referring to could you be a little more specific. I feel like after this sentence in the last paragraph “the higher-ups have no favoritism at UNE. Each clubs have the tools to achieve their biggest dreams.” it would be good to add something about how the university could help more with promotion but ultimately it should be the responsibility of the leaders/ presidents of the club to step up to the plate and come up with new and creative ways to promote their clubs on different platforms if attendance is not the best. If the clubs want to be promoted in the breeze they should be advocating for themselves. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Overall I feel that this is a good story and that reading the piece out loud could really help with finding the spelling and grammar errors and also help to make the piece flow a little better.
Feedback for Tony:
I think there are a lot of really great things about this piece and I really liked the storytelling throughout. I liked the creative headline and liked the background details of how the program was started. I also really liked the quotes that were included. I thought they were all really relevant to the story and brought the piece to life. The last sentence of the piece was also really good and a nice way to tie the story together. Now for my critiques, I don’t have many. First you refer to the NCAA rules for someone who doesn’t know sports at all like me. What’s the NCAA? When you are introducing coach Ruest’s quote you include the question you asked him and instead of doing that maybe you could say something like coach Ruest shared what he looks for while recruiting to introduce the quote. I think that this sentence “All conference and winning seasons aside the program and coaches have done so much for the campus community.” could be split into two sentences. Get rid of the and and start a new sentence at coaches I also think you could go a little more in depth about what exactly the coaches have sacrificed for the football/campus community. When you are introducing Trenton before his quote I think it’s important to Introduce that he’s a football player before the quote. Something like Football player Trenton “Tj” Jackson class of 24′ said….. Also in Trentons quote there is an accidental repeat you say is a roller coaster twice. The last thing is that I think there could be some more statistics in there that could help beef up the story. That’s all I have for Tony. Overall I think this piece is well written and has a good storyline.
Feedback for Finn:
My critiques for Finn are as follows. I think that the headline is Way too long. It should just be left at “the UNE mens rugby team has had a tough previous season.” Although I don’t find that headline to be very intriguing. Maybe try to use some creative language. The parts where you list questions like here “Why did the season go this way, why is rugby important to the players, what are the challenges the men’s team faces, and how will the team be able to adjust and continue forward?” and here What caused the streak of losses, and what can be done to fix it? I feel like these are good questions that you should be asking yourself to help create the story but should not be included in the piece. In the part where you say “Without the prestige of a long-running rugby program, it’s much more difficult to drive engagement from students. “ I think it would be a good place to add some potential solutions that the team could pursue for that. New promotion techniques such as making social media, making more posters, setting up meetings trying to recruit more people, getting flyers/advertisements in the breeze or in the bolt sending out promotional emails etc. When you say that there is a “misguided perception of rugby” this would be a good place to add some solutions for the misguided perceptions. How can the rugby community change the perception to ultimately get more people involved. I also think that would be a better headline. Something about the misguided perception of rugby. There are also a few grammar errors throughout. That’s all I have for Finn.
Tony:
There are some grammatical errors that should be fixed and some language choices that could be fixed for clarity. I think that some data could be provided regarding victories when they’re mentioned, to add credibility to the statements. I think it could also be useful to interview students who are not associated with the football time and ask if they go to the games, why/why not, what they like about them etc. but I think that this article does a good job of showing how much pride the UNE football has in themselves.
Finn:
I think that this is a great piece, but maybe some context could be provided in order for readers t compare their recent performance to their performance in the past—maybe season stats of past years? This could help to keep readers engaged and wanting to finish the story a little bit more, and it also develops their understanding of the issue at hand.
Nick:
“The higher-ups” is really vague, so I think above all this should be clarified. There are also grammatical errors which should be addressed once this gets polished. I think you could also go more into detail on other small clubs which are working hard and are underrepresented to back up your claim a little bit better. It could also be helpful to try to get access to the process by which clubs earn a budget, because I’m sure there are some that have a bigger one than others, who decides this, and how big the disparity is.
Tony:
I really enjoy how you show your passion for the sport you are writing about. I think you tell a really good story and nail all of the pieces you need for it. I think your interviews are perfect for this and they really hit and are very informative. The one thing I suggest about lichtens interview is to stay consistent cause you say coach and Mike Lichten just make sure to keep it consistent. As a reader I felt very engaged and I was really interested in learning the history of the football program.
Finn:
The one thing I suggest is to get rid of the questions and make them as statements. Also there is no year for the game so I don’t know if it was this past October or October 10 years ago. I think the people interviewed are very informative. The story does have minor grammar errors but once you get into editing more it will turn out to be a good solid story. Overall the story flows well and tells a very good story.
Nick:
I like how this article is structured more of a debate and really helps tell the story. The angle of your story draws good attention and I think it will draw readers into the story you are writing about. It can definitely be overwhelming with how many clubs are on campus but I think you do a really good job with telling which ones are the biggest.