Firstly, you start off with a great headline which made me want to read more. Your sub headline works well with your headline, as it gives a bit more background of what you will be specifically talking about during the rest of your report. Your lead is also great and includes some extremely valuable information. It does seem a bit long however, as leads are usually 25-30 words max, but yours is 49 words. In your lead, a suggestion from me would be to cut out the first 2 sentences and move it to your nut graf paragraph. The nut graf gives more background information on what your report is about, and I think the first sentence of your lead would make a great nut graf intro. Instead, your lead could be something along the lines of, “For students at the University of New England (UNE), utilizing free time is about balancing academics and personal growth, while diving into the community’s supportive study atmosphere.” This leaves your lead at about 27 words which fits into the desired word count. I do like your third paragraph as well, but I would not have your first sentence be a question, and would rather write it as a statement. To me, writing in statements instead of questions enhances credibility, because you are direct in what you are saying to the audience rather than having them try to answer your questions. There are a couple more spots you do this as well, in your 5th paragraph and your last paragraph. Also in paragraph 7, your first sentence reads “Next, you’ve got to pick the right spot!” When I read this, I found it to be a bit opinionated especially with your chosen punctuation. An exclamation point makes something more exciting or demanding, and in this way it seems like you are telling readers the exact steps they need to take to get the most out of your study time, but everyone is different. I would cut out this sentence and start the paragraph off at “Whether off campus…” Great job!
Anthony:
I think your headline is good, as it introduces first year housing at the University of New England. Especially in your sub headline you now introduce first year students and room assignments which is great. I would almost reword these in a sense though, because as we all know, Featherman is the newest and “best” freshman dorm building. If outsiders are reading this though, they would have no idea what Featherman vs. Everybody entails. Since we know it is the newest of all of the buildings, maybe changing your headline to, “University of New England First Year Housing: New vs. Old.” In this way, you are still telling the audience what your piece will be about but showing the comparison in an easier way. You wouldn’t necessarily have to change your sub headline either, and would not have to change your lead. I really liked your use of quotes especially from individuals living in the different dorms. You also did a great job introducing Featherman Hall in one paragraph, followed by a quote by someone in Featherman. It was also super interesting how you found someone that started off by living in the quad and moved into Featherman. People love seeing a direct comparison between two things, and this interviewee gave first hand insight on the two buildings. Great job!
One thought on “JOURNAL # 12 (FC FEEDBACK # 3).”
Sydney:
Firstly, you start off with a great headline which made me want to read more. Your sub headline works well with your headline, as it gives a bit more background of what you will be specifically talking about during the rest of your report. Your lead is also great and includes some extremely valuable information. It does seem a bit long however, as leads are usually 25-30 words max, but yours is 49 words. In your lead, a suggestion from me would be to cut out the first 2 sentences and move it to your nut graf paragraph. The nut graf gives more background information on what your report is about, and I think the first sentence of your lead would make a great nut graf intro. Instead, your lead could be something along the lines of, “For students at the University of New England (UNE), utilizing free time is about balancing academics and personal growth, while diving into the community’s supportive study atmosphere.” This leaves your lead at about 27 words which fits into the desired word count. I do like your third paragraph as well, but I would not have your first sentence be a question, and would rather write it as a statement. To me, writing in statements instead of questions enhances credibility, because you are direct in what you are saying to the audience rather than having them try to answer your questions. There are a couple more spots you do this as well, in your 5th paragraph and your last paragraph. Also in paragraph 7, your first sentence reads “Next, you’ve got to pick the right spot!” When I read this, I found it to be a bit opinionated especially with your chosen punctuation. An exclamation point makes something more exciting or demanding, and in this way it seems like you are telling readers the exact steps they need to take to get the most out of your study time, but everyone is different. I would cut out this sentence and start the paragraph off at “Whether off campus…” Great job!
Anthony:
I think your headline is good, as it introduces first year housing at the University of New England. Especially in your sub headline you now introduce first year students and room assignments which is great. I would almost reword these in a sense though, because as we all know, Featherman is the newest and “best” freshman dorm building. If outsiders are reading this though, they would have no idea what Featherman vs. Everybody entails. Since we know it is the newest of all of the buildings, maybe changing your headline to, “University of New England First Year Housing: New vs. Old.” In this way, you are still telling the audience what your piece will be about but showing the comparison in an easier way. You wouldn’t necessarily have to change your sub headline either, and would not have to change your lead. I really liked your use of quotes especially from individuals living in the different dorms. You also did a great job introducing Featherman Hall in one paragraph, followed by a quote by someone in Featherman. It was also super interesting how you found someone that started off by living in the quad and moved into Featherman. People love seeing a direct comparison between two things, and this interviewee gave first hand insight on the two buildings. Great job!