Oops!
Sarah Bourdeau:
Lead: I really like the use of stats and questions in the lead. There are a few errors concerning capitalization, and I think some phrases (like “, at the age of seventeen or eighteen”) could be altered or even taken out of the lead, but other than that I think it does a good job at letting the reader know why you’re writing the article, and the issue at hand.
People Interviewed: I like how you’ve covered both the faculty and the student perspective, especially since the student you interviewed found the GUST program helpful in getting them into a major they like. I think it could be beneficial if you interviewed someone who may be new to the GUST program, or is still using the program to figure out their next move. But, I think you have a great pool of perspectives gathered.
Quotes: There are a few minor issues, mostly with capitalization and the use of brackets, but they are easily fixable.
Context/backstory: I think you’ve done a great job at gathering the history of the GUST/undeclared program at UNE!
Impact/audience: I think, since most students don’t really know what the GUST program is, your article could provide a lot of needed information to students who may find the program helpful!
Grace:
Lead: I like the lead, and I think it lets the reader know what they’re in for. It seems a little bit too “narrative-y” for an article, and I think it could be better if you maybe described the appeal of a college town, but I think the concept you have is really interesting!
People interviewed: I think it was a great idea to interview students who have been involved in UNE’s Tangier sister campus, as it really adds a unique perspective that builds your article. I would suggest possibly interviewing an alum of UNE or another school, to maybe better understand the allure college campuses have towards alumni.
Storytelling techniques: I think your use of descriptions and quotes really add to your concept, and the article reads well, from an outside perspective.
Impact/audience: I think this article could be popular among students, because of how well it outlines the issue of walkable city access, and how unique college campuses are in this regard.
Zak:
Lead: I think the lead provides a lot of necessary information, but not a lot of needed context, so I think working on contextualizing the lead for the readers would be beneficial to the overall piece.
People interviewed: I like how many people you’ve interviewed, but I also think it’d be important to get perspectives from non-sophomore students, maybe even faculty, like security, to weigh in on the issue further.
Context/backstory: I think your usage of other schools’ policies in comparison to our own is really important, and sparks further conversation about the topic! Nice choice.
Impact/audience: Since this is a debate that’s been going on on campus for a while, and one that strikes a chord with many students, I think the work you’ve been doing to gather both sides of the argument will be really vital in starting bigger conversations within the UNE community.
Evan:
Lead: I think the lead could be made better if you add in some context regarding the issue you’ll be discussing in the rest of the article. But, I think a lot of the information in the lead could be useful for readers to understand later in the piece.
People interviewed/quotes: I like the variety of people you interviewed and the perspectives you gathered, but I would definitely break up the quotes into smaller pieces, as I think it would make the piece more digestible.
Context/backstory: I like the amount of information you have about the athlete experience and also the program itself, and I think it all is pretty applicable!
Impact/audience: I think this article gives a voice to many athletes who would like to see this change to grass from turf!
Zak
This feature begins to investigate the parking problem at UNE, but I would steer away from how repetitive this text is. The words “students” and “freshmen/freshman” were used almost excessively, appearing in the same sentence multiple times. I would like to hear a statement from a university faculty member, from either security or some financial specialist. You use students as your primary resource for credibility, but having a professional perspective will boost that reliability for your readers. You speak on the matter of increasing tuition rates to cover costs for new parking, but is there someone who can attest to this statement authentically? The work also reads very speculative, asking whether UNE will change its parking allowances, but is there any talk among staff to make such a change? You question it in your heading and subheading, but where is this coming from? It appears entirely from students (a good thing to an extent), and while they have differing perspectives, we need something from the staff or higher-ups. I would also suggest interviewing someone from security who gives out tickets. Overall, the background and context are good; you can mention something about students frequently being ticketed due to overflowing lots. It is a popular topic among students around campus and crucial to accurately report on. I like the approach you have taken, and I would like to see how this is workshopped.
Evan
You cover the topic here well; I appreciate the attention to detail, but the interview format threw me off a little. Inserting the interview questions directly into the work is slightly unsettling and takes one out of the narrative. With lines like, “When asked Do you think the Blue Turf is appealing to recruits?” could be reworded to something like, “Offensive line coach and recruiting coordinator Eric Ruest reflects his thoughts on whether the Blue Turf is appealing to recruits…” and then going into the quote – or something similar, just some reworking of these sentences will help tonally (my brain is pretty fried so that example may not make sense, but you get the point). Your background and context are great. I had no idea UNE was one of only a few schools with blue turf; pretty cool. The interviews are also great for adding to the debate over grass or turf fields with a coach, a student, and that statistic from the NFL; they combine to create great credibility. Incorporating a student who was injured in a non-contact way on the turf adds to the impact of the significance of this matter as well. As for other advice, some punctuation errors can easily be fixed, and potentially interviewing someone on the turf side of the debate, who would resist the change, could be interesting (and help with word count).
Grace
This is a very intriguing piece. It is a concept I have never considered, correlating colleges and walkable cities. I do, however, wonder if you could relate this more closely to UNE. When you talk about the students abroad, you say they attend a college but never say they go to UNE until it is mentioned in the quote. Those two student interviews are great for quotes; perhaps you could gain a faculty member’s perspective on the design of a college campus or anyone who has graduated college and longs for the community created by the architecture and layout. It was an easy read that I thoroughly enjoyed, and it is a unique concept to link these two ideas together. Other options for interviews to gain further perspectives could be from someone who lived in an incredibly rural area of the US or someone who grew up in a walkable city and how it compares to UNE’s campus experience. I appreciate the context of a walkable city in the introduction and lead areas. The lead drags your reader into the article, and the storytelling is evident throughout, trying to explain the comparisons of a college campus and cities.
Evan,
First of all, I like the context you give with the lead. However, it needs to have more of a hook. It’s very informational, but has no story type of writing in it.
Your angle is clear, you think grass is a safer playing surface. While this portion of your article is clear, it’s hard to say how successful your article will be in convincing people. As you say, the blue turf is unique, and people like that.
I like the interviews you have. They’re both relevant (coach and player). However, I think it would add additional weight to your article if you got a statement from someone in the athletics department that could possibly offer a counterargument.
In terms of your use of quotes, I think you could possibly shorten/break up some of the ones you used. While they’re relevant, I think the big block of text is off putting. I’d double check the attributions and way you pose questions for clarity.
You give good context to your argument. Add some history of the field/the importance of it. It would just give readers some context to why the field might have been installed.
Your storytelling might need some work. I get the informational side, but I can’t see the story side. Maybe you could get information from the athletic training department about how many injuries there were for football before/after the turf, or some more history about the field?
I think the impact and audience for this is rather low. The only people it’s relevant to are players who use the field. Try to make it more about the history of the field, numbers of injuries on the field, or such. Ask how you could make this an intriguing story so that more people are interested.
Grace,
Your lead gives a good introduction to your story but could be edited for conciseness. It’s a good introduction but is a little wordy. I also think your headline is interesting, but you could make it a little snappier.t
I think your angle is clear and concise. You bring good context to your idea.
The interviews you have are relevant. It might be good to get in contact with someone who designed the campus/works on that type of issue at UNE, maybe even getting in contact with someone at Biddeford/Saco town hall to talk about walkability in the town UNE is in.
Your use of quotes is solid. It might be nice to include another quote or two from relevant scholarly sources on the effects of walkable cities on mental health/happiness, as well as possibly adding the interviews I mentioned in the last paragraph.
I think you contextualize the issue well. My suggestion would be to possibly add more context to the walkability at UNE specifically, just to ground the issue here.
For storytelling, it might be good to add some information about WHY American cities and European cities differ so much in walkability. Is there a reason that this is the case? Also, ask yourself about how the issue relates specifically to UNE. Has there been changes to the campus that have increased it’s walkability?
I think your story holds relevance to students at large. I like that you’re trying to bring awareness to a issue that people don’t think about. In terms of audience, I’d ask how your article relates specifically to UNE. Yes, UNE is a college, and the article is related to college students, but where does the story start and end? How does it relate to UNE specifically?
Sarah,
Your usage of statistics in the lead is adding good context to your writing. It has good story elements, although I think it could be rewritten to maybe add a bit more drama/hook type of elements to draw people in.
Your angle is solid. I think it’s an important distinction for UNE, and looking into it more closely is interesting.
Your interviews are relevant to the topic at hand. I like that you have both a previous (but recent) GUST student and the Associate Dean and faculty advisor.
The quotations you have are good, although keep in mind the suggested formatting for writing quotations (new paragraphs for them). I would look for another quotation from your interviews to add in, or ask for comment for a quotation regarding the rebranding of the undeclared major’s intention. You make mention of Dean Millen, and it seems like he was involved in the rebranding. I’d ask him about his intentions for it, the impacts it’s had, and the future of the program.
For backstory, I think you might be able to expand the scope of your article slightly and speak about the number of undeclared students at other schools/across the country, as well as maybe making a comparison to specific other schools’ programs for undeclared students.
Your article gives additional information about the GUST program, which could be useful for prospective students and others. The audience could be, as previously mentioned, new students, or students without experience with GUST. The only other suggestions I have are to break up the bigger paragraphs/sentences in your article, and to maybe ask students if they think the program was valuable for them/worked out well.
Zak,
Your lead could use a story hook. You could talk about the experience of students trying to find parking/who are unable to, maybe making it 1st person? Just a bit more of a story element. I like that you mention other schools’ solutions for freshman cars.
I think your angle is solid. The debate over parking is constant, and most students with a car, commuter or residential, have complaints about parking here. It’s a ongoing issue, and dissecting it is good for the debate.
I think you really need to interview someone from security/campus services that tries to manage the parking situation. I like the quotes you have from students, but having the official end of things would just give a lot more credence to your ideas. It would offer new information that we couldn’t already get by just speaking to our peers.
Your usage of quotes is alright, but as mentioned previously, it would be good to have someone from administration to weigh in on the issue. You should also think about having a quote from a freshman, just to get their outlook on the issue.
I like the context you give regarding other school’s solutions to the parking issue. A good addition could be some official statistics on parking passes given from security.
I think the storytelling aspect of your article could be strengthened. Adding additional context by mentioning the number of freshman in some of the more recent classes could give more perspective to why specifically this is an issue, as well as the challenges to adding more parking to UNE.
For impact and audience, I think most people at UNE invested in this issue. I think if you added a freshman perspective, as well as a administration perspective, it will be a solid story.
Grace Sprague:
In Grace’s writing I think she does a really good job of introducing the two main topics she is going to connect and talk about. Throughout the article there is good grammar and structural components. For quotes and people interviewed they are right on topic and very relevant to the angle of the story. One minor correction is the location at the beginning of the story just from our discussion last Friday that is an unnecessary component. Otherwise I found this to be an extremely relevant topic to be addressed as many of us are in the midst of living in the talked about “city model” and will soon be facing the struggles after college environments.
Evan Glynos:
Throughout reading Evan’s article I think all of the pieces are there. The only thing I was hung up on was the lead may be a little misleading or maybe that’s just me but where it says players are “demanding better playing surfaces” I couldn’t exactly pinpoint what the demand was. Otherwise I found the story to be very interesting. The quotes and people interviewed are relative to the writing and I liked that both sides of the argument about turf were addressed, both the pros and the cons. Also in the conclusion Evan directly circles back to the angle he focused on and was able to give the quick overview in a short statement.
Zak Ramos:
I think in Zak’s article a suggestion I have would be in the structure. I think it would flow a little better with switching the first two paragraphs followed by a little rewording to make that switch. Following that I think the story smoothly addressed the question from the lead with the aid of quotes from the main audience, the students. Another thing that stood out to me was that element of comparing and contrasting the students’ opinion. I think comparing and contrasting was helpful to the angle that this question is something to be debated.
Sarah Bourdeau:
A key thing that stood out to me in Sarah’s article was putting the acronyms in parentheses in the beginning so the reader would know what they meant upon further reading. I think the aspect of finding something to add from the people interviewed would be a comment on why the GUST program was chosen to help entertain the idea that it’s common for incoming freshmen to be unsure of what career they want to pursue. Overall I think Sarah’s writing was well done and well structured.
Looking at your headline and sub-head, I know there is a clear, to-the-point issue you will delve into — which is, what are possible solutions to the parking problem at UNE, and is the current policy of allowing freshmen to have cars on campus a part of that? One minor observation on the headline is that it reads as a question, and you might want to add a question mark. But if you want to keep the sub-head the more question-based idea, you could always reword the headline. The lede has great information, especially with the data surrounding the number of residential students and parking lots available, which helps the reader know you have information to back up your story. As we get into the bulk of the story, I think you have a lot of good information and context, like mentioning other schools that don’t allow freshmen to have their cars on campus. There are a few places where you could make sentences/paragraphs a bit more concise – I’m thinking, “When looking at both sides of the debate, it is essential to look at both the positives and negatives of allowing freshman students to have their cars on campus.” – it could be easily implied that if you’re looking to both positive and negatives, that is both sides of the debate. There are some great quotes from the perspective of an upperclassman and two sophomores on their freshman experience. I might suggest that getting a quote from a current freshman in the middle of their first year might be interesting in weighing how strongly students feel. I also really like the angle of weighing the positives and negatives and allowing both sides of the argument. Still, I wondered if you have thought about getting some administrative response or maybe even someone from facilities or safety to give their side of the issue with parking.
Evan: “Danger on the field”
The headline is to the point, and as you are drafting, there may be room to add more context to the headline, but the sub definitely connects and lets me know that this story is about the playing surfaces for football. One suggestion I have for the lede since we are practicing a feature/soft news story is that you could use that space that hooks the reader into what your story is all about and save the information about the coach and his history later if needed. I like how you set up the second paragraph where “In an ideal world programs should make the switch.” – it helps reinforce your angle and support the stats you included where most players also feel artificial turf should be switched to natural grass. There are some minor sentence structure/grammar fixes, but there is plenty of time as this is just a draft. I think the quote from the recruiting coordinator helps set up the tensions between player safety on the field and the unique quality of the blue turf at UNE really well. I also noticed how it seems that the ultimate focus is not so much on whether UNE should switch but on raising awareness that this is a conversation happening on all levels and there are pros and cons to both. This is a great start and raises many follow-up questions and ways to dig deeper into items like the condition of grass vs. turf upkeep; if you wanted to add another quote, I think that could be a great direction. Maybe ask students or community members who watch football if they would find any difference in going to watch games if the uniqueness of the blue field was gone.
Grace: “America’s Way to Mimick the Walkable City”
I really like your headline – I am immediately interested in how/why the walkable city should be mimicked and want to know more about how the U.S. is doing this. I know we are still in the drafting process, but I think a sub-head would help connect your headline to where your story will go. You have a broad claim in the headline, but it draws me in, and the sub-head could help center your angle. Your lede is also super interesting, and I like how you add some context to how it’s not just at college that people love the feeling of community, but it is something most people still crave as part of the adult world. I think it might be clearer if, again, in the sub-head, you explain that you are referring to the setup of most college campuses as akin to walkable cities. You have great information about the decline of walkable cities in the U.S. as car use became the status quo and how college campuses can be utilized as an example of how to get back to a more humane style of living. Your paragraph about European cities shows you have researched the success of walkable cities in other parts of the world and adds excellent credibility to your piece. The two students you interviewed and incorporated quotes from were very interesting. They have first-hand experience living on-campus in America and Morrocco, which one might think would be very different. The aspect of community and that walkable city feel you highlight are great ways to connect those experiences. I wonder, though, if you have thought of maybe adding quotes from UNE administrators or maybe other students who are from Ameircan cities, and they can add even more context to how college campuses can be a resource to better the layout of our cities.
Sarah Bourdeau: “Guided Undergraduate Studies; Beginning Undeclared in College”
One thing I noticed when looking at your feature story draft was the format – I think for news-style stories and not academic papers, we might want to keep the headline, sub-headline, and byline aligned left on the page – but this could be a good point to clarify in class through the workshop. Another minor formatting point is the organization of paragraphs, where we might want to get away from the essay style and into that journalistic style of shorter sentences and not indent for new paragraphs. I like the way you are opening up this story by giving the reader some context that the Guided Undergraduate Studies program is for students who have not declared a major without explicitly stating all that in the headline. Moving into the lede, I like how you can anticipate the reader’s next question and keep us moving along the story. The data helps give us context into how many students are undeclared, but if you wanted to, I think it could also be super helpful as context after the lede. Your quotes are also super helpful and provide great credibility with someone like Associate Dean Keirstead. Nearing the end, I feel like you really hone in on the impact of your story in highlighting how the rebranding of undeclared studies helps students not rush into majors they don’t want to be in and placing the importance in valuing students’ interests. One suggestion I have is that if you wanted to interview a student who is maybe an upperclassman and has more experience at UNE, it might be a nice point to showcase how the GUST program helped them get to where they are and offer a nice inspirational example to round off the freshman interview.
Sarah Bourdeau
Maybe add an interview with Millen about why he did what he did in “rebranding” to the GUST program. Also more quotes and interviews with other students who have gone through the GUST program. I think the Angle is getting at is potentially how some students don’t know what they want to do but are trying to figure it out.
I think that this piece needs more quotes in it to help make it on a more personal level and for attributions. I think the Context and the backstory of the program is good, it just needs the quotes to add to it. I feel like the audience could be incoming students and high school students. As well as students who decide they are going to change their major or even double major. There are almost some large paragraphs.
Zak
What is the “college experience” or the “freshman experience” as well? When you go into your first interview with Max you say University but by that point you have mentioned at least two other Universities before this, which one are you talking about? I know because I go to UNE, but someone reading it from not here and who doesn’t have the same context that I do. They would probably be confused. Your context is good and the backstory at what you’re getting at for your angle is addressing the issues of parking the good and the bad, why it is an issue, it is clear your purpose of writing this is. I do think that another perhaps very important reason to have a car is if there’s a medical issue that isn’t completely an emergency but needs to be seen by another one. There are a few big paragraphs which could be broken down.
Evan
The lead I like the lead in gives an idea of the reliance on the need for turf vs grass fields and how it could affect football players. Which gives me a clear angle. As well as background information in the form of statistics but maybe attribute them so I know where you got them from. I could see more potential in finding statistics about how grass is safer to the tuft. Maybe an interview with an Athletic trainer about it? Because there are two interviews about the tuft but none on the grass view point. I liked how you told the context in the feature it was easy to read and the information was laid out in a way where as a reader. I didn’t feel stressed and my eyes were going to explode.
Grace
I think the angle is Campuses not actually showing how people live. Talk more in depth about how both UNE’s campuses do this, because you’ve only mentioned the Biddeford campus. I do think that putting in there the “university of new england” Because as a reader I wouldn’t have any context of where this is happening. People interviewed where two people who I’m assuming live at the Biddeford campus? Maybe interview some people who go to the Portland Campus. Their quotes seemed lumped together. I think when you describe what both students say you should get another quote in there from each that bring a more personable light to it. I liked the amount of information that you had Grace but, I think it needs to be a little shorter. You have good content but some of the paragraphs are borderline kinda too big. I feel like it’s repetitive when you talk about on the surface about walkable campuses. As well as that your lead seems to be in the middle of the Feature over then at the top. I do actually really like this piece that you’ve written. I think it is interesting about the layout of College campuses and how they are compared to the real world. I think it is beneficial to College Students as an audience to read it.
I think this article has some very solid information, but some tweaks need to be worked out. The headline could probably use some work, as it doesn’t give the reader a clear idea of what the article is going to be about. The subhead is much more informative. The lede could also use some work, as it does the job of the nut graf. Try adding something dramatic to draw the reader in, maybe something about injuries. The quotes give a well-rounded view of the situation, but the formatting and the way you included the questions feels a bit robotic. You could probably just give the quote without including the question, as it can be inferred. Also, when it comes to your evidence, I would try to find a quote from someone who was injured by the turf for sure or take out the part where you doubt that the injury of the student interviewed could’ve been from the turf.
Zak:
Overall, this is a solid story. Formatting wise, bring the location down to the start of the lede, and double check the punctuation in your headline. The body of the article was interesting, but it felt a bit one-sided. I would try to get an interview from a faculty member to balance it off a bit. Also, I would go into the background of parking on campus. Maybe a faculty member could provide some insight into if parking has always been hard on this campus, or if this is a new issue. Also, I would recommend reading the article aloud to yourself, as some of the wording is a bit awkward in spots. Overall, this was an engaging article, and it has a lot of good information.
Sarah:
This is a very well written article. I would rework the lede a bit and possibly break it into multiple sentences, as it is currently a run on. The body of the article is very well done, and there are not many changes I would make. I noticed a few grammatical errors but reading it aloud to yourself should make those easier to spot. The quotes compliment the article very nicely, and do not interrupt the flow of information. They contribute to the article in a meaningful way, and I think that the placement is perfect. The article also provides a well-structured timeline of the GUST program, and as someone who knew nothing about this program, I finished this article feeling well informed and educated on this topic. This article is off to a fantastic start!
Evan –
Right off the bat, the headline and subtitle are constant and correlate with the whole of the writing. I know exactly what I’m reading about and what the concern is. When I read into the nut graph it does set up the scene and focus the person but it doesn’t quite flow, it’s just put in there. Adding more connecting words may help. The second paragraph does a great job of giving us statistics and pre-history as to why this is important for UNE. I liked the explanation for the color and what it took to get blue turf. The quotes from coaches, along with current players give voice to each perspective on this situation. The bigger paragraphs might be easier to read if you break them up between quotes or through similar information. The ending is good because it gives a clear answer. The blue turf is eye-catching and unique which is attractive to recruits, this sacrifice is summed up in the final sentence. Overall, there are some grammar and punctuation corrections, remember the pronouns are implied.
Grace –
I really like the first paragraph, it sums up a very common feelings for many students and also points out why college is a good starting point for young adults. As a Sociology major, the second paragraph really piqued my interest. College kids are institutionalized, we have a schedule that everyone roughly follows and live fairly intertwined lives. The article citation is good for credibility and further provides clarity of the topic. Using examples of walkable cities like Europe also helped create a clearer picture in the reader’s mind. Overall, it’s a super interesting article but I feel like some of the sentences are repetitive. Maybe reconsider what’s really needed along with paragraph length to keep the attention and excitement. It’s great that you also included the study-abroad experience to promote it but also compare and contrast the benefits of walkable cities.
Sarah –
The headline and substile are clear and I like how the first paragraph provides statistics and proposes a question. I was a little confused about the 6.23 statistics and whether it was good or not. The article then goes into what the GUST program is and shares details on how it’s helpful. Getting a perspective and quotes from a student who used the program was credible and shared just how helpful this can be. Also hearing the goal/point of the program from a faculty member helps encourage readers to look into this program or make suggestions to others. This is all great information but the length might made it hard for some readers to stay focused. The rest of the article connects the program back to a student’s college experience. Calling the major a community really stood out to me because going to college is hard enough especially when you’re undeclared. Having a place and sense of belonging can make all the different and help someone feel a better social connection.
Zak –
Just from the headline and subtitle, it makes the reader Acknowledge that there is a problem with the school’s parking and the solution may be for freshmen not to have their cars. The first few paragraphs read very wordy and may benefit from simplifying and condensing what you mean. Immediately providing successful examples of other schools does provoke thought however the following paragraph does feel a bit like personal opinion. Maybe defining these opinions from quotes will help make the article seem more like a debate. Later on, getting a Juniors experience does provide an opinion but agreeing with one of the school’s goals to keep the population here on the weekends. Also explaining why UNE does this as a school is an important factor in this dilemma. Quotes from multiple students express both sides of having a car and not, the pros and cons whether that’s mentally or socially. Parking is always an issue at any school but you did a good job a adding some differences to the topic.
Sarah Boudreau-
The paper, both lead and headline. start strong in setting up the paper and making the reader think. I like how you start already stating stats early on making a early claim on the credibility of the paper. As well, I like how the lead ends with the question that gets answered throughout the paper. I would potentially add either in the lead or later the average time it takes for a student to decide their major. I would also investigate if being in a private school changes any stats and is it significant enough compared to public or a similar stat. I personally don’t know if this is possible but if it is look at if it’s possible to go undeclared after declaring a major if that major doesn’t fit for the student. Overall, I believe this is a strong story with real facts, engagement as well as true heart put into it.
Zak-
I would potentially flip the headline and sub-headline as in your paper you get into the freshman side of the parking problem not the problem in general. One stat I would add to your lead is adding how many spots are there for students compared to students that live on campus. That stat will give a better idea at the problem as well as add credibility to your story. I like how you talked about other college around the area showing the effectiveness of the solution of the problem present. I would maybe look at a college in Maine that’s close as well to show a school who is closer than an hour and a haft away from us. I also like how you talk about both positives and negatives as you present the issue as yes, I do believe this is a solution however still presentencing all the facts. One thing I would add is to get a freshman’s side to the issue and get a quote from them.
Evan-
Love the headline as it captures the story as well as makes me interested and invested to read. For the lead its great at establishing the small nature of the school but I would also add a little statement about the field as that’s your primary topic. I would also remove the coach as this Is about the field not that the coach is the only one UNE has had. I like the NFL stat as well as these are all people who have, probably, played on all types of fields and well as that’s the dream destination for college football athletes. I also love how you talk about the positives of the recruitment with the field as that’s a huge factor that’s sometime overlooked by a lot of people. I would potentially interview whoever greenlit the field to be what it is to see the creative vison and reason behind it. It could bring in nothing as they could say just, we wanted to be different, but it could add a key detail about something no one knew, or no one thought of.
Grace-
I like how you are going into a big picture with using UNE as the example of this. I also like how you not only talked about the US but the whole world which adds so much detail as well as thoughts I would have never thought of at all. I would potentially interview current students to see what they would state as you say people fear graduation add someone’s thoughts that prove that statement. I would also maybe get into the city or town around a college and how that also prepares students for the future in some ways. Looking at the whole paper it’s a great piece that shows both credibility as well as amazing writing skills that would make others believe you have been writing stories for years. I would just look at a few information and say what should I add and what information should I focus on the most.
Evan:
I think your essay was very well researched, and your sources are phenomenal. The fact that you not only have interviews from current UNE graduates, but also one of the first to play on the artificial blue field is very impressive, and adds a lot of credibility to your article. Not only this, you also have the coach and recruiting coordinator, as well as evidence from a reputable source that grass fields are certainly better for the players, and I appreciate the attention you bring to possible threatening factors with regards to the cost and maintenance of having a grass field versus a turf field. I do think, however, that your quotes need to be placed better in the article. They each feel like standalone island quotes that slot awkwardly into your writing. I think they might be able to be placed much more naturally in the text to make the reader flow from sentence to sentence much easier.
Zak:
I think that the amount of interviews that you have for the article is certainly impressive. It certainly proposes a lot of different perspectives on the issue, and allows for the reader to hear all sides of the debate, especially since you have many viewpoints from people with different experiences. I do think that the conclusion or introduction should have an argument? But that might just be because I’m used to reading academic papers in English class, so that probably doesn’t apply here. You do state the same reasoning for not having a car on campus (having the true “college experience”) gratuitously, and it might be good to tone it down a bit? Other than that, it’s a very well researched paper.
Sarah:
I honestly have no complaints about this article. The writing is a tad dry but that’s mostly because it doesn’t really apply to me or my interests rather than reflect on the writing itself. It’s informative without being overwhelming, the quotes are spaced out evenly and apply to the information provided and accurately add on to the existing issues presented in the paper. It’s a well rounded and organized article, and I can see how well GUST helps certain students.
Grace:
I think this article is very interesting, but I’m not really sure what the point of it is? I think the idea of having a walkable city is incredibly interesting, and the insight from students who visited Morocco and their experiences was very cool. I love the fact that cities outside the United States are more for the “person” rather than the businesses there. Being able to step out and see people you know is certainly something I get on a college campus, and that image translated across a city-wide scale is even more impressive. I also really appreciate the attention brought to the idealized college viewpoint from graduates due to the fact that they used to be able to walk around and see people they knew everywhere they went. However, the article as a whole doesn’t really have a point beyond the basic information about other places. I’m not sure if you’re trying to argue that we should travel more, or that we should rework the way our cities are layed out, or if we should just appreciate college life while we have it. You have all the elements, you have quotes and research, and the writing style is entertaining and informative, it’s just a matter of picking a direction to go in.
Grace:
I like the lede and the use of interviews. I think getting the perspective of somebody who spent time in school in Morocco is really valuable to the point that you’re trying to make. I would have loved if you had brought up some establishments in the area that would be nice to have easier access to—restaurants, shops, etc.. The comparison you make to European cities ad the way that you discuss urban planning is really great.
Sarah:
I like the inclusion of data in the lede—it establishes your credibility early on. I really like the interview with a student who was part of the GUST program, and I think that the interview with Amy Keirstead is really detailed and that you must have asked good questions to get these answers. This was really informative as somebody who wasn’t familiar with the program or how it worked.
Evan:
Again, I like the data included in the lede that supports your effort. The interviews were very helpful to your point, but I think that the quotes could have been integrated better so that they had a little more flow and were a little easier to digest. The concluding paragraph could have been a little bit longer, and maybe could have analyzed some of the answers to your questions in favor of your point. Some pieces could be moved around, like the paragraph about injury, as that is more likely to keep your reader engaged.
Zak:
Your lede is strong, and I like that you acknowledge soon after that every college has parking problems. I also like that you interviewed upperclassmen rather than freshman for this issue, because freshman are of course who your proposed solution would target, and because these students were able to look back on their experiences with or without a car. I think that your point could be argued for a little more, as I personally wasn’t very convinced. If you acknowledge the issue that would arise of students who have off-campus jobs, students who need to return home every so often for numerous reasons, and the fact that, without upperclassmen friends, freshman wouldn’t be able to go anywhere that public transportation doesn’t go, this would be a lot more solid.
Grace
I think your lead is good and captivating but it should be shorter. I feel that your first thirty words or so should be the lead and then rework the rest of the lead that you didn’t use into your first paragraph. I also like the idea of this feature on campus itself and how it acts like a mini city. I think that this is a thing that gets not enough attention. I think all of the accessibility that we have as college students is something that we take for granted. It’s extremely convenient and easy to navigate. I think outside of a few paragraph issues with quotes and maybe a misspelling or two this is a great feature.
Evan
Overall a good start. I think that this has potential but it needs more, maybe an interview with Chris, our AT to get his thoughts on the turf and how that plays into non contact sports injuries. I think that this is a good idea and I also like your title. It just needs more, maybe an interview with coach Lichten as well? If you’re going to include him in the lead then he should be featured in the article. Also there should be a new paragraph per every quote that you use. You also have one paragraph in the middle that is too big, mayne break that up to make it more digestible to read.
Zak
I like the inclusion of a sub headline. This feature also talks about a serious issue on campus that many students struggle with. Needs to be a new paragraph every time that you introduce a person, also should include pronouns. I like how many solutions as well as both sides of the argument are presented. Finally I like the way that you ended the feature, I think that asking a question keeps people talking about what is going on. That can lead to discussions with people who have a say.I think that the school should have more spaces for parking knowing how they get a large sum of money from students.
Sarah
I think this is very well written and talks about something that people don’t talk about. This would be a great feature to show someone who doesn’t know what they want to major in. Whether they are an undeclared first year or an upperclassmen attempting at making a change This feature is filled with valuable data and history on the new program. This feature shows dedicated staff committed to helping students find their future, I think that this could be a great resource for anyone who needs it.
Sarah Bourdeau:
Good usage of the statistics in the lead. Your story has great story elements. Your interviews are very relevant to the topic and I do like how you were able to get a former GUST student and the Associate Dean and faculty advisor. I do like how you provided more information about the GUST program and how it can be useful for prospective students.
Grace:
The lead invites the reader in and makes them want to read more. This article seems more like you are writing a narrative and not a feature. I think if you talked more about what a college town is like it would grab more attention to the reader. I like how you included a student interview who has studied in tangier as well as the biddeford campus. I do also wonder when you interviewed the students who studied abroad what college they went to because I did not see that mentioned.
Zak:
Lead is good but overuse of context. I think you can get rid of “with that being said and change it to a different paragraph lead. I do like how you included numbers of how many students there are and how many lots. I do also like how you mentioned other schools having first years with cars on campus. I think you should try to get an interview with security and see how their side of it is but overall with the students I think it is great just add in more with security.
Overall I think this was a very well written piece with a lot of useful information. My first critique is that I think the piece could have a better Headline. When I first read the headline without reading the article I was a little confused. I think maybe you could just tweak it a little to say something like “College campuses are like walkable cities”. “Many students, despite the high costs, begin to dread their graduation day, and fear what lies beyond their cap and gown.” I really like this sentence especially the last part “what lies beyond their cap and gown” nice creative writing. I also really liked this sentence While cities are designed for cars, college campuses are designed for humans. In the sentence directly below it its a little confusing and I think it could be worded better. In his article “College Campuses Are Designed at Human-Scale. Our Cities Can Be Too”, journalist Colin Slowey describes that college campuses are often referred to as the “peak of community”. I feel like you should introduce the journalist first. You could say Journalist Colin Slowey said “….” in his article “…..”. One other thing that I really liked was when you added the examples of the walkable cities that are doing well in europe. I think the transitions from one part of the story to the next are well done specifically when you transition to the students talking about their time on the UNE morocco campus. One last thing that I think you could add on is some more benefits that walkable cities have. Maybe for the environment/economy you cover why walkable cities are good for social reasons but maybe a few more reasons give facts/stats on the impacts walkable cities have.Overall the flow and the story of this piece are well done, just a few minor things to touch up on and Grace will be all set. 🙂
Feedback for Evan:
I think Evan has a lot of good information here, just a few minor touch ups need to be made. I really like the short but sweet headline and lead there is no confusion whatsoever. You know exactly what this piece is going to be about. The part when you state “Lichten is the only head coach in program history.” This little piece is not relevant to the story. I really liked the use of stats in this sentence. In a recent survey, 92% of respondents from the NFL Players Association reported that they preferred a natural grass playing surface. Maybe you could add some more stats like this to help beef up the story. Also I liked that quote from the coach Eric Ruest but I think the part where he lists all the different schools that have blue turf can be cut out for economy purposes. Throughout the piece there is some really good info. I especially liked this sentence “The major selling points for artificial turf are aesthetic appeal, the ease (and reduced cost) of maintenance, and the high volume of hours that the field can annually withstand.” I also thought the testimonial from Parker Skelton was really good and all the information that was included from him. I thought the little bit about why he chose to transfer to UNE was unnecessary tho Skelton entered the transfer portal in the spring of 2023 and chose UNE because of the marine biology program and his love of the blue turf. Also I think the conclusion could be beefed up a little more.
Feedback for Zak:
I don’t have a lot of critiques for Zak. I thought the piece was very good and well thought through. The first critique I had is that I think the headline could be a little more interesting. Maybe something like College campuses are facing a parking crisis. Or UNE debates should freshmen be allowed to bring their cars? I liked the examples of how different schools are handling the situation. But I think the piece could benefit from some more stats and facts. Students to parking permits ratios ext. I also think this piece could benefit from the perspective of a freshman. I think after the sentence “Some students at UNE feel as if having a car on campus is essential to having a successful first-year experience” this would be a good opportunity to add in a quote from a freshman. But overall I think the piece flows well and there is some good information here. Just need to add in some more details.
Feedback for Sarah:
I don’t have a lot of critiques for this piece. I think Sarah did an awesome job and there is little that she still has to do before her final submission. The story was clear and flows well throughout. I also liked that there were student and faculty perspectives to get both sides of the story. One of the only critiques I had was that the headline feels a little too wordy. I would change it to something like How undergraduate Programs at UNE are helping undeclared students. I would also talk about how many students end up switching their major and more about the benefits of going in undeclared opposed to declared. Also it would be interesting to know how many students the program has helped since its creation. Also it would be interesting but not necessary to get the perspective from a student who has switched majors instead of going in undeclared.
15 thoughts on “FEEDBACK GROUP # 2”
Sarah Bourdeau:
Oops!
Sarah Bourdeau:
Lead: I really like the use of stats and questions in the lead. There are a few errors concerning capitalization, and I think some phrases (like “, at the age of seventeen or eighteen”) could be altered or even taken out of the lead, but other than that I think it does a good job at letting the reader know why you’re writing the article, and the issue at hand.
People Interviewed: I like how you’ve covered both the faculty and the student perspective, especially since the student you interviewed found the GUST program helpful in getting them into a major they like. I think it could be beneficial if you interviewed someone who may be new to the GUST program, or is still using the program to figure out their next move. But, I think you have a great pool of perspectives gathered.
Quotes: There are a few minor issues, mostly with capitalization and the use of brackets, but they are easily fixable.
Context/backstory: I think you’ve done a great job at gathering the history of the GUST/undeclared program at UNE!
Impact/audience: I think, since most students don’t really know what the GUST program is, your article could provide a lot of needed information to students who may find the program helpful!
Grace:
Lead: I like the lead, and I think it lets the reader know what they’re in for. It seems a little bit too “narrative-y” for an article, and I think it could be better if you maybe described the appeal of a college town, but I think the concept you have is really interesting!
People interviewed: I think it was a great idea to interview students who have been involved in UNE’s Tangier sister campus, as it really adds a unique perspective that builds your article. I would suggest possibly interviewing an alum of UNE or another school, to maybe better understand the allure college campuses have towards alumni.
Storytelling techniques: I think your use of descriptions and quotes really add to your concept, and the article reads well, from an outside perspective.
Impact/audience: I think this article could be popular among students, because of how well it outlines the issue of walkable city access, and how unique college campuses are in this regard.
Zak:
Lead: I think the lead provides a lot of necessary information, but not a lot of needed context, so I think working on contextualizing the lead for the readers would be beneficial to the overall piece.
People interviewed: I like how many people you’ve interviewed, but I also think it’d be important to get perspectives from non-sophomore students, maybe even faculty, like security, to weigh in on the issue further.
Context/backstory: I think your usage of other schools’ policies in comparison to our own is really important, and sparks further conversation about the topic! Nice choice.
Impact/audience: Since this is a debate that’s been going on on campus for a while, and one that strikes a chord with many students, I think the work you’ve been doing to gather both sides of the argument will be really vital in starting bigger conversations within the UNE community.
Evan:
Lead: I think the lead could be made better if you add in some context regarding the issue you’ll be discussing in the rest of the article. But, I think a lot of the information in the lead could be useful for readers to understand later in the piece.
People interviewed/quotes: I like the variety of people you interviewed and the perspectives you gathered, but I would definitely break up the quotes into smaller pieces, as I think it would make the piece more digestible.
Context/backstory: I like the amount of information you have about the athlete experience and also the program itself, and I think it all is pretty applicable!
Impact/audience: I think this article gives a voice to many athletes who would like to see this change to grass from turf!
Zak
This feature begins to investigate the parking problem at UNE, but I would steer away from how repetitive this text is. The words “students” and “freshmen/freshman” were used almost excessively, appearing in the same sentence multiple times. I would like to hear a statement from a university faculty member, from either security or some financial specialist. You use students as your primary resource for credibility, but having a professional perspective will boost that reliability for your readers. You speak on the matter of increasing tuition rates to cover costs for new parking, but is there someone who can attest to this statement authentically? The work also reads very speculative, asking whether UNE will change its parking allowances, but is there any talk among staff to make such a change? You question it in your heading and subheading, but where is this coming from? It appears entirely from students (a good thing to an extent), and while they have differing perspectives, we need something from the staff or higher-ups. I would also suggest interviewing someone from security who gives out tickets. Overall, the background and context are good; you can mention something about students frequently being ticketed due to overflowing lots. It is a popular topic among students around campus and crucial to accurately report on. I like the approach you have taken, and I would like to see how this is workshopped.
Evan
You cover the topic here well; I appreciate the attention to detail, but the interview format threw me off a little. Inserting the interview questions directly into the work is slightly unsettling and takes one out of the narrative. With lines like, “When asked Do you think the Blue Turf is appealing to recruits?” could be reworded to something like, “Offensive line coach and recruiting coordinator Eric Ruest reflects his thoughts on whether the Blue Turf is appealing to recruits…” and then going into the quote – or something similar, just some reworking of these sentences will help tonally (my brain is pretty fried so that example may not make sense, but you get the point). Your background and context are great. I had no idea UNE was one of only a few schools with blue turf; pretty cool. The interviews are also great for adding to the debate over grass or turf fields with a coach, a student, and that statistic from the NFL; they combine to create great credibility. Incorporating a student who was injured in a non-contact way on the turf adds to the impact of the significance of this matter as well. As for other advice, some punctuation errors can easily be fixed, and potentially interviewing someone on the turf side of the debate, who would resist the change, could be interesting (and help with word count).
Grace
This is a very intriguing piece. It is a concept I have never considered, correlating colleges and walkable cities. I do, however, wonder if you could relate this more closely to UNE. When you talk about the students abroad, you say they attend a college but never say they go to UNE until it is mentioned in the quote. Those two student interviews are great for quotes; perhaps you could gain a faculty member’s perspective on the design of a college campus or anyone who has graduated college and longs for the community created by the architecture and layout. It was an easy read that I thoroughly enjoyed, and it is a unique concept to link these two ideas together. Other options for interviews to gain further perspectives could be from someone who lived in an incredibly rural area of the US or someone who grew up in a walkable city and how it compares to UNE’s campus experience. I appreciate the context of a walkable city in the introduction and lead areas. The lead drags your reader into the article, and the storytelling is evident throughout, trying to explain the comparisons of a college campus and cities.
Evan,
First of all, I like the context you give with the lead. However, it needs to have more of a hook. It’s very informational, but has no story type of writing in it.
Your angle is clear, you think grass is a safer playing surface. While this portion of your article is clear, it’s hard to say how successful your article will be in convincing people. As you say, the blue turf is unique, and people like that.
I like the interviews you have. They’re both relevant (coach and player). However, I think it would add additional weight to your article if you got a statement from someone in the athletics department that could possibly offer a counterargument.
In terms of your use of quotes, I think you could possibly shorten/break up some of the ones you used. While they’re relevant, I think the big block of text is off putting. I’d double check the attributions and way you pose questions for clarity.
You give good context to your argument. Add some history of the field/the importance of it. It would just give readers some context to why the field might have been installed.
Your storytelling might need some work. I get the informational side, but I can’t see the story side. Maybe you could get information from the athletic training department about how many injuries there were for football before/after the turf, or some more history about the field?
I think the impact and audience for this is rather low. The only people it’s relevant to are players who use the field. Try to make it more about the history of the field, numbers of injuries on the field, or such. Ask how you could make this an intriguing story so that more people are interested.
Grace,
Your lead gives a good introduction to your story but could be edited for conciseness. It’s a good introduction but is a little wordy. I also think your headline is interesting, but you could make it a little snappier.t
I think your angle is clear and concise. You bring good context to your idea.
The interviews you have are relevant. It might be good to get in contact with someone who designed the campus/works on that type of issue at UNE, maybe even getting in contact with someone at Biddeford/Saco town hall to talk about walkability in the town UNE is in.
Your use of quotes is solid. It might be nice to include another quote or two from relevant scholarly sources on the effects of walkable cities on mental health/happiness, as well as possibly adding the interviews I mentioned in the last paragraph.
I think you contextualize the issue well. My suggestion would be to possibly add more context to the walkability at UNE specifically, just to ground the issue here.
For storytelling, it might be good to add some information about WHY American cities and European cities differ so much in walkability. Is there a reason that this is the case? Also, ask yourself about how the issue relates specifically to UNE. Has there been changes to the campus that have increased it’s walkability?
I think your story holds relevance to students at large. I like that you’re trying to bring awareness to a issue that people don’t think about. In terms of audience, I’d ask how your article relates specifically to UNE. Yes, UNE is a college, and the article is related to college students, but where does the story start and end? How does it relate to UNE specifically?
Sarah,
Your usage of statistics in the lead is adding good context to your writing. It has good story elements, although I think it could be rewritten to maybe add a bit more drama/hook type of elements to draw people in.
Your angle is solid. I think it’s an important distinction for UNE, and looking into it more closely is interesting.
Your interviews are relevant to the topic at hand. I like that you have both a previous (but recent) GUST student and the Associate Dean and faculty advisor.
The quotations you have are good, although keep in mind the suggested formatting for writing quotations (new paragraphs for them). I would look for another quotation from your interviews to add in, or ask for comment for a quotation regarding the rebranding of the undeclared major’s intention. You make mention of Dean Millen, and it seems like he was involved in the rebranding. I’d ask him about his intentions for it, the impacts it’s had, and the future of the program.
For backstory, I think you might be able to expand the scope of your article slightly and speak about the number of undeclared students at other schools/across the country, as well as maybe making a comparison to specific other schools’ programs for undeclared students.
Your article gives additional information about the GUST program, which could be useful for prospective students and others. The audience could be, as previously mentioned, new students, or students without experience with GUST. The only other suggestions I have are to break up the bigger paragraphs/sentences in your article, and to maybe ask students if they think the program was valuable for them/worked out well.
Zak,
Your lead could use a story hook. You could talk about the experience of students trying to find parking/who are unable to, maybe making it 1st person? Just a bit more of a story element. I like that you mention other schools’ solutions for freshman cars.
I think your angle is solid. The debate over parking is constant, and most students with a car, commuter or residential, have complaints about parking here. It’s a ongoing issue, and dissecting it is good for the debate.
I think you really need to interview someone from security/campus services that tries to manage the parking situation. I like the quotes you have from students, but having the official end of things would just give a lot more credence to your ideas. It would offer new information that we couldn’t already get by just speaking to our peers.
Your usage of quotes is alright, but as mentioned previously, it would be good to have someone from administration to weigh in on the issue. You should also think about having a quote from a freshman, just to get their outlook on the issue.
I like the context you give regarding other school’s solutions to the parking issue. A good addition could be some official statistics on parking passes given from security.
I think the storytelling aspect of your article could be strengthened. Adding additional context by mentioning the number of freshman in some of the more recent classes could give more perspective to why specifically this is an issue, as well as the challenges to adding more parking to UNE.
For impact and audience, I think most people at UNE invested in this issue. I think if you added a freshman perspective, as well as a administration perspective, it will be a solid story.
Grace Sprague:
In Grace’s writing I think she does a really good job of introducing the two main topics she is going to connect and talk about. Throughout the article there is good grammar and structural components. For quotes and people interviewed they are right on topic and very relevant to the angle of the story. One minor correction is the location at the beginning of the story just from our discussion last Friday that is an unnecessary component. Otherwise I found this to be an extremely relevant topic to be addressed as many of us are in the midst of living in the talked about “city model” and will soon be facing the struggles after college environments.
Evan Glynos:
Throughout reading Evan’s article I think all of the pieces are there. The only thing I was hung up on was the lead may be a little misleading or maybe that’s just me but where it says players are “demanding better playing surfaces” I couldn’t exactly pinpoint what the demand was. Otherwise I found the story to be very interesting. The quotes and people interviewed are relative to the writing and I liked that both sides of the argument about turf were addressed, both the pros and the cons. Also in the conclusion Evan directly circles back to the angle he focused on and was able to give the quick overview in a short statement.
Zak Ramos:
I think in Zak’s article a suggestion I have would be in the structure. I think it would flow a little better with switching the first two paragraphs followed by a little rewording to make that switch. Following that I think the story smoothly addressed the question from the lead with the aid of quotes from the main audience, the students. Another thing that stood out to me was that element of comparing and contrasting the students’ opinion. I think comparing and contrasting was helpful to the angle that this question is something to be debated.
Sarah Bourdeau:
A key thing that stood out to me in Sarah’s article was putting the acronyms in parentheses in the beginning so the reader would know what they meant upon further reading. I think the aspect of finding something to add from the people interviewed would be a comment on why the GUST program was chosen to help entertain the idea that it’s common for incoming freshmen to be unsure of what career they want to pursue. Overall I think Sarah’s writing was well done and well structured.
Zak: “Is there a solution to Parking.”
Looking at your headline and sub-head, I know there is a clear, to-the-point issue you will delve into — which is, what are possible solutions to the parking problem at UNE, and is the current policy of allowing freshmen to have cars on campus a part of that? One minor observation on the headline is that it reads as a question, and you might want to add a question mark. But if you want to keep the sub-head the more question-based idea, you could always reword the headline. The lede has great information, especially with the data surrounding the number of residential students and parking lots available, which helps the reader know you have information to back up your story. As we get into the bulk of the story, I think you have a lot of good information and context, like mentioning other schools that don’t allow freshmen to have their cars on campus. There are a few places where you could make sentences/paragraphs a bit more concise – I’m thinking, “When looking at both sides of the debate, it is essential to look at both the positives and negatives of allowing freshman students to have their cars on campus.” – it could be easily implied that if you’re looking to both positive and negatives, that is both sides of the debate. There are some great quotes from the perspective of an upperclassman and two sophomores on their freshman experience. I might suggest that getting a quote from a current freshman in the middle of their first year might be interesting in weighing how strongly students feel. I also really like the angle of weighing the positives and negatives and allowing both sides of the argument. Still, I wondered if you have thought about getting some administrative response or maybe even someone from facilities or safety to give their side of the issue with parking.
Evan: “Danger on the field”
The headline is to the point, and as you are drafting, there may be room to add more context to the headline, but the sub definitely connects and lets me know that this story is about the playing surfaces for football. One suggestion I have for the lede since we are practicing a feature/soft news story is that you could use that space that hooks the reader into what your story is all about and save the information about the coach and his history later if needed. I like how you set up the second paragraph where “In an ideal world programs should make the switch.” – it helps reinforce your angle and support the stats you included where most players also feel artificial turf should be switched to natural grass. There are some minor sentence structure/grammar fixes, but there is plenty of time as this is just a draft. I think the quote from the recruiting coordinator helps set up the tensions between player safety on the field and the unique quality of the blue turf at UNE really well. I also noticed how it seems that the ultimate focus is not so much on whether UNE should switch but on raising awareness that this is a conversation happening on all levels and there are pros and cons to both. This is a great start and raises many follow-up questions and ways to dig deeper into items like the condition of grass vs. turf upkeep; if you wanted to add another quote, I think that could be a great direction. Maybe ask students or community members who watch football if they would find any difference in going to watch games if the uniqueness of the blue field was gone.
Grace: “America’s Way to Mimick the Walkable City”
I really like your headline – I am immediately interested in how/why the walkable city should be mimicked and want to know more about how the U.S. is doing this. I know we are still in the drafting process, but I think a sub-head would help connect your headline to where your story will go. You have a broad claim in the headline, but it draws me in, and the sub-head could help center your angle. Your lede is also super interesting, and I like how you add some context to how it’s not just at college that people love the feeling of community, but it is something most people still crave as part of the adult world. I think it might be clearer if, again, in the sub-head, you explain that you are referring to the setup of most college campuses as akin to walkable cities. You have great information about the decline of walkable cities in the U.S. as car use became the status quo and how college campuses can be utilized as an example of how to get back to a more humane style of living. Your paragraph about European cities shows you have researched the success of walkable cities in other parts of the world and adds excellent credibility to your piece. The two students you interviewed and incorporated quotes from were very interesting. They have first-hand experience living on-campus in America and Morrocco, which one might think would be very different. The aspect of community and that walkable city feel you highlight are great ways to connect those experiences. I wonder, though, if you have thought of maybe adding quotes from UNE administrators or maybe other students who are from Ameircan cities, and they can add even more context to how college campuses can be a resource to better the layout of our cities.
Sarah Bourdeau: “Guided Undergraduate Studies; Beginning Undeclared in College”
One thing I noticed when looking at your feature story draft was the format – I think for news-style stories and not academic papers, we might want to keep the headline, sub-headline, and byline aligned left on the page – but this could be a good point to clarify in class through the workshop. Another minor formatting point is the organization of paragraphs, where we might want to get away from the essay style and into that journalistic style of shorter sentences and not indent for new paragraphs. I like the way you are opening up this story by giving the reader some context that the Guided Undergraduate Studies program is for students who have not declared a major without explicitly stating all that in the headline. Moving into the lede, I like how you can anticipate the reader’s next question and keep us moving along the story. The data helps give us context into how many students are undeclared, but if you wanted to, I think it could also be super helpful as context after the lede. Your quotes are also super helpful and provide great credibility with someone like Associate Dean Keirstead. Nearing the end, I feel like you really hone in on the impact of your story in highlighting how the rebranding of undeclared studies helps students not rush into majors they don’t want to be in and placing the importance in valuing students’ interests. One suggestion I have is that if you wanted to interview a student who is maybe an upperclassman and has more experience at UNE, it might be a nice point to showcase how the GUST program helped them get to where they are and offer a nice inspirational example to round off the freshman interview.
Feedback Group #2
Sarah Bourdeau
Maybe add an interview with Millen about why he did what he did in “rebranding” to the GUST program. Also more quotes and interviews with other students who have gone through the GUST program. I think the Angle is getting at is potentially how some students don’t know what they want to do but are trying to figure it out.
I think that this piece needs more quotes in it to help make it on a more personal level and for attributions. I think the Context and the backstory of the program is good, it just needs the quotes to add to it. I feel like the audience could be incoming students and high school students. As well as students who decide they are going to change their major or even double major. There are almost some large paragraphs.
Zak
What is the “college experience” or the “freshman experience” as well? When you go into your first interview with Max you say University but by that point you have mentioned at least two other Universities before this, which one are you talking about? I know because I go to UNE, but someone reading it from not here and who doesn’t have the same context that I do. They would probably be confused. Your context is good and the backstory at what you’re getting at for your angle is addressing the issues of parking the good and the bad, why it is an issue, it is clear your purpose of writing this is. I do think that another perhaps very important reason to have a car is if there’s a medical issue that isn’t completely an emergency but needs to be seen by another one. There are a few big paragraphs which could be broken down.
Evan
The lead I like the lead in gives an idea of the reliance on the need for turf vs grass fields and how it could affect football players. Which gives me a clear angle. As well as background information in the form of statistics but maybe attribute them so I know where you got them from. I could see more potential in finding statistics about how grass is safer to the tuft. Maybe an interview with an Athletic trainer about it? Because there are two interviews about the tuft but none on the grass view point. I liked how you told the context in the feature it was easy to read and the information was laid out in a way where as a reader. I didn’t feel stressed and my eyes were going to explode.
Grace
I think the angle is Campuses not actually showing how people live. Talk more in depth about how both UNE’s campuses do this, because you’ve only mentioned the Biddeford campus. I do think that putting in there the “university of new england” Because as a reader I wouldn’t have any context of where this is happening. People interviewed where two people who I’m assuming live at the Biddeford campus? Maybe interview some people who go to the Portland Campus. Their quotes seemed lumped together. I think when you describe what both students say you should get another quote in there from each that bring a more personable light to it. I liked the amount of information that you had Grace but, I think it needs to be a little shorter. You have good content but some of the paragraphs are borderline kinda too big. I feel like it’s repetitive when you talk about on the surface about walkable campuses. As well as that your lead seems to be in the middle of the Feature over then at the top. I do actually really like this piece that you’ve written. I think it is interesting about the layout of College campuses and how they are compared to the real world. I think it is beneficial to College Students as an audience to read it.
Evan:
I think this article has some very solid information, but some tweaks need to be worked out. The headline could probably use some work, as it doesn’t give the reader a clear idea of what the article is going to be about. The subhead is much more informative. The lede could also use some work, as it does the job of the nut graf. Try adding something dramatic to draw the reader in, maybe something about injuries. The quotes give a well-rounded view of the situation, but the formatting and the way you included the questions feels a bit robotic. You could probably just give the quote without including the question, as it can be inferred. Also, when it comes to your evidence, I would try to find a quote from someone who was injured by the turf for sure or take out the part where you doubt that the injury of the student interviewed could’ve been from the turf.
Zak:
Overall, this is a solid story. Formatting wise, bring the location down to the start of the lede, and double check the punctuation in your headline. The body of the article was interesting, but it felt a bit one-sided. I would try to get an interview from a faculty member to balance it off a bit. Also, I would go into the background of parking on campus. Maybe a faculty member could provide some insight into if parking has always been hard on this campus, or if this is a new issue. Also, I would recommend reading the article aloud to yourself, as some of the wording is a bit awkward in spots. Overall, this was an engaging article, and it has a lot of good information.
Sarah:
This is a very well written article. I would rework the lede a bit and possibly break it into multiple sentences, as it is currently a run on. The body of the article is very well done, and there are not many changes I would make. I noticed a few grammatical errors but reading it aloud to yourself should make those easier to spot. The quotes compliment the article very nicely, and do not interrupt the flow of information. They contribute to the article in a meaningful way, and I think that the placement is perfect. The article also provides a well-structured timeline of the GUST program, and as someone who knew nothing about this program, I finished this article feeling well informed and educated on this topic. This article is off to a fantastic start!
Evan –
Right off the bat, the headline and subtitle are constant and correlate with the whole of the writing. I know exactly what I’m reading about and what the concern is. When I read into the nut graph it does set up the scene and focus the person but it doesn’t quite flow, it’s just put in there. Adding more connecting words may help. The second paragraph does a great job of giving us statistics and pre-history as to why this is important for UNE. I liked the explanation for the color and what it took to get blue turf. The quotes from coaches, along with current players give voice to each perspective on this situation. The bigger paragraphs might be easier to read if you break them up between quotes or through similar information. The ending is good because it gives a clear answer. The blue turf is eye-catching and unique which is attractive to recruits, this sacrifice is summed up in the final sentence. Overall, there are some grammar and punctuation corrections, remember the pronouns are implied.
Grace –
I really like the first paragraph, it sums up a very common feelings for many students and also points out why college is a good starting point for young adults. As a Sociology major, the second paragraph really piqued my interest. College kids are institutionalized, we have a schedule that everyone roughly follows and live fairly intertwined lives. The article citation is good for credibility and further provides clarity of the topic. Using examples of walkable cities like Europe also helped create a clearer picture in the reader’s mind. Overall, it’s a super interesting article but I feel like some of the sentences are repetitive. Maybe reconsider what’s really needed along with paragraph length to keep the attention and excitement. It’s great that you also included the study-abroad experience to promote it but also compare and contrast the benefits of walkable cities.
Sarah –
The headline and substile are clear and I like how the first paragraph provides statistics and proposes a question. I was a little confused about the 6.23 statistics and whether it was good or not. The article then goes into what the GUST program is and shares details on how it’s helpful. Getting a perspective and quotes from a student who used the program was credible and shared just how helpful this can be. Also hearing the goal/point of the program from a faculty member helps encourage readers to look into this program or make suggestions to others. This is all great information but the length might made it hard for some readers to stay focused. The rest of the article connects the program back to a student’s college experience. Calling the major a community really stood out to me because going to college is hard enough especially when you’re undeclared. Having a place and sense of belonging can make all the different and help someone feel a better social connection.
Zak –
Just from the headline and subtitle, it makes the reader Acknowledge that there is a problem with the school’s parking and the solution may be for freshmen not to have their cars. The first few paragraphs read very wordy and may benefit from simplifying and condensing what you mean. Immediately providing successful examples of other schools does provoke thought however the following paragraph does feel a bit like personal opinion. Maybe defining these opinions from quotes will help make the article seem more like a debate. Later on, getting a Juniors experience does provide an opinion but agreeing with one of the school’s goals to keep the population here on the weekends. Also explaining why UNE does this as a school is an important factor in this dilemma. Quotes from multiple students express both sides of having a car and not, the pros and cons whether that’s mentally or socially. Parking is always an issue at any school but you did a good job a adding some differences to the topic.
Sarah Boudreau-
The paper, both lead and headline. start strong in setting up the paper and making the reader think. I like how you start already stating stats early on making a early claim on the credibility of the paper. As well, I like how the lead ends with the question that gets answered throughout the paper. I would potentially add either in the lead or later the average time it takes for a student to decide their major. I would also investigate if being in a private school changes any stats and is it significant enough compared to public or a similar stat. I personally don’t know if this is possible but if it is look at if it’s possible to go undeclared after declaring a major if that major doesn’t fit for the student. Overall, I believe this is a strong story with real facts, engagement as well as true heart put into it.
Zak-
I would potentially flip the headline and sub-headline as in your paper you get into the freshman side of the parking problem not the problem in general. One stat I would add to your lead is adding how many spots are there for students compared to students that live on campus. That stat will give a better idea at the problem as well as add credibility to your story. I like how you talked about other college around the area showing the effectiveness of the solution of the problem present. I would maybe look at a college in Maine that’s close as well to show a school who is closer than an hour and a haft away from us. I also like how you talk about both positives and negatives as you present the issue as yes, I do believe this is a solution however still presentencing all the facts. One thing I would add is to get a freshman’s side to the issue and get a quote from them.
Evan-
Love the headline as it captures the story as well as makes me interested and invested to read. For the lead its great at establishing the small nature of the school but I would also add a little statement about the field as that’s your primary topic. I would also remove the coach as this Is about the field not that the coach is the only one UNE has had. I like the NFL stat as well as these are all people who have, probably, played on all types of fields and well as that’s the dream destination for college football athletes. I also love how you talk about the positives of the recruitment with the field as that’s a huge factor that’s sometime overlooked by a lot of people. I would potentially interview whoever greenlit the field to be what it is to see the creative vison and reason behind it. It could bring in nothing as they could say just, we wanted to be different, but it could add a key detail about something no one knew, or no one thought of.
Grace-
I like how you are going into a big picture with using UNE as the example of this. I also like how you not only talked about the US but the whole world which adds so much detail as well as thoughts I would have never thought of at all. I would potentially interview current students to see what they would state as you say people fear graduation add someone’s thoughts that prove that statement. I would also maybe get into the city or town around a college and how that also prepares students for the future in some ways. Looking at the whole paper it’s a great piece that shows both credibility as well as amazing writing skills that would make others believe you have been writing stories for years. I would just look at a few information and say what should I add and what information should I focus on the most.
Evan:
I think your essay was very well researched, and your sources are phenomenal. The fact that you not only have interviews from current UNE graduates, but also one of the first to play on the artificial blue field is very impressive, and adds a lot of credibility to your article. Not only this, you also have the coach and recruiting coordinator, as well as evidence from a reputable source that grass fields are certainly better for the players, and I appreciate the attention you bring to possible threatening factors with regards to the cost and maintenance of having a grass field versus a turf field. I do think, however, that your quotes need to be placed better in the article. They each feel like standalone island quotes that slot awkwardly into your writing. I think they might be able to be placed much more naturally in the text to make the reader flow from sentence to sentence much easier.
Zak:
I think that the amount of interviews that you have for the article is certainly impressive. It certainly proposes a lot of different perspectives on the issue, and allows for the reader to hear all sides of the debate, especially since you have many viewpoints from people with different experiences. I do think that the conclusion or introduction should have an argument? But that might just be because I’m used to reading academic papers in English class, so that probably doesn’t apply here. You do state the same reasoning for not having a car on campus (having the true “college experience”) gratuitously, and it might be good to tone it down a bit? Other than that, it’s a very well researched paper.
Sarah:
I honestly have no complaints about this article. The writing is a tad dry but that’s mostly because it doesn’t really apply to me or my interests rather than reflect on the writing itself. It’s informative without being overwhelming, the quotes are spaced out evenly and apply to the information provided and accurately add on to the existing issues presented in the paper. It’s a well rounded and organized article, and I can see how well GUST helps certain students.
Grace:
I think this article is very interesting, but I’m not really sure what the point of it is? I think the idea of having a walkable city is incredibly interesting, and the insight from students who visited Morocco and their experiences was very cool. I love the fact that cities outside the United States are more for the “person” rather than the businesses there. Being able to step out and see people you know is certainly something I get on a college campus, and that image translated across a city-wide scale is even more impressive. I also really appreciate the attention brought to the idealized college viewpoint from graduates due to the fact that they used to be able to walk around and see people they knew everywhere they went. However, the article as a whole doesn’t really have a point beyond the basic information about other places. I’m not sure if you’re trying to argue that we should travel more, or that we should rework the way our cities are layed out, or if we should just appreciate college life while we have it. You have all the elements, you have quotes and research, and the writing style is entertaining and informative, it’s just a matter of picking a direction to go in.
Grace:
I like the lede and the use of interviews. I think getting the perspective of somebody who spent time in school in Morocco is really valuable to the point that you’re trying to make. I would have loved if you had brought up some establishments in the area that would be nice to have easier access to—restaurants, shops, etc.. The comparison you make to European cities ad the way that you discuss urban planning is really great.
Sarah:
I like the inclusion of data in the lede—it establishes your credibility early on. I really like the interview with a student who was part of the GUST program, and I think that the interview with Amy Keirstead is really detailed and that you must have asked good questions to get these answers. This was really informative as somebody who wasn’t familiar with the program or how it worked.
Evan:
Again, I like the data included in the lede that supports your effort. The interviews were very helpful to your point, but I think that the quotes could have been integrated better so that they had a little more flow and were a little easier to digest. The concluding paragraph could have been a little bit longer, and maybe could have analyzed some of the answers to your questions in favor of your point. Some pieces could be moved around, like the paragraph about injury, as that is more likely to keep your reader engaged.
Zak:
Your lede is strong, and I like that you acknowledge soon after that every college has parking problems. I also like that you interviewed upperclassmen rather than freshman for this issue, because freshman are of course who your proposed solution would target, and because these students were able to look back on their experiences with or without a car. I think that your point could be argued for a little more, as I personally wasn’t very convinced. If you acknowledge the issue that would arise of students who have off-campus jobs, students who need to return home every so often for numerous reasons, and the fact that, without upperclassmen friends, freshman wouldn’t be able to go anywhere that public transportation doesn’t go, this would be a lot more solid.
Grace
I think your lead is good and captivating but it should be shorter. I feel that your first thirty words or so should be the lead and then rework the rest of the lead that you didn’t use into your first paragraph. I also like the idea of this feature on campus itself and how it acts like a mini city. I think that this is a thing that gets not enough attention. I think all of the accessibility that we have as college students is something that we take for granted. It’s extremely convenient and easy to navigate. I think outside of a few paragraph issues with quotes and maybe a misspelling or two this is a great feature.
Evan
Overall a good start. I think that this has potential but it needs more, maybe an interview with Chris, our AT to get his thoughts on the turf and how that plays into non contact sports injuries. I think that this is a good idea and I also like your title. It just needs more, maybe an interview with coach Lichten as well? If you’re going to include him in the lead then he should be featured in the article. Also there should be a new paragraph per every quote that you use. You also have one paragraph in the middle that is too big, mayne break that up to make it more digestible to read.
Zak
I like the inclusion of a sub headline. This feature also talks about a serious issue on campus that many students struggle with. Needs to be a new paragraph every time that you introduce a person, also should include pronouns. I like how many solutions as well as both sides of the argument are presented. Finally I like the way that you ended the feature, I think that asking a question keeps people talking about what is going on. That can lead to discussions with people who have a say.I think that the school should have more spaces for parking knowing how they get a large sum of money from students.
Sarah
I think this is very well written and talks about something that people don’t talk about. This would be a great feature to show someone who doesn’t know what they want to major in. Whether they are an undeclared first year or an upperclassmen attempting at making a change This feature is filled with valuable data and history on the new program. This feature shows dedicated staff committed to helping students find their future, I think that this could be a great resource for anyone who needs it.
Sarah Bourdeau:
Good usage of the statistics in the lead. Your story has great story elements. Your interviews are very relevant to the topic and I do like how you were able to get a former GUST student and the Associate Dean and faculty advisor. I do like how you provided more information about the GUST program and how it can be useful for prospective students.
Grace:
The lead invites the reader in and makes them want to read more. This article seems more like you are writing a narrative and not a feature. I think if you talked more about what a college town is like it would grab more attention to the reader. I like how you included a student interview who has studied in tangier as well as the biddeford campus. I do also wonder when you interviewed the students who studied abroad what college they went to because I did not see that mentioned.
Zak:
Lead is good but overuse of context. I think you can get rid of “with that being said and change it to a different paragraph lead. I do like how you included numbers of how many students there are and how many lots. I do also like how you mentioned other schools having first years with cars on campus. I think you should try to get an interview with security and see how their side of it is but overall with the students I think it is great just add in more with security.
Feedback for Grace:
Overall I think this was a very well written piece with a lot of useful information. My first critique is that I think the piece could have a better Headline. When I first read the headline without reading the article I was a little confused. I think maybe you could just tweak it a little to say something like “College campuses are like walkable cities”. “Many students, despite the high costs, begin to dread their graduation day, and fear what lies beyond their cap and gown.” I really like this sentence especially the last part “what lies beyond their cap and gown” nice creative writing. I also really liked this sentence While cities are designed for cars, college campuses are designed for humans. In the sentence directly below it its a little confusing and I think it could be worded better. In his article “College Campuses Are Designed at Human-Scale. Our Cities Can Be Too”, journalist Colin Slowey describes that college campuses are often referred to as the “peak of community”. I feel like you should introduce the journalist first. You could say Journalist Colin Slowey said “….” in his article “…..”. One other thing that I really liked was when you added the examples of the walkable cities that are doing well in europe. I think the transitions from one part of the story to the next are well done specifically when you transition to the students talking about their time on the UNE morocco campus. One last thing that I think you could add on is some more benefits that walkable cities have. Maybe for the environment/economy you cover why walkable cities are good for social reasons but maybe a few more reasons give facts/stats on the impacts walkable cities have.Overall the flow and the story of this piece are well done, just a few minor things to touch up on and Grace will be all set. 🙂
Feedback for Evan:
I think Evan has a lot of good information here, just a few minor touch ups need to be made. I really like the short but sweet headline and lead there is no confusion whatsoever. You know exactly what this piece is going to be about. The part when you state “Lichten is the only head coach in program history.” This little piece is not relevant to the story. I really liked the use of stats in this sentence. In a recent survey, 92% of respondents from the NFL Players Association reported that they preferred a natural grass playing surface. Maybe you could add some more stats like this to help beef up the story. Also I liked that quote from the coach Eric Ruest but I think the part where he lists all the different schools that have blue turf can be cut out for economy purposes. Throughout the piece there is some really good info. I especially liked this sentence “The major selling points for artificial turf are aesthetic appeal, the ease (and reduced cost) of maintenance, and the high volume of hours that the field can annually withstand.” I also thought the testimonial from Parker Skelton was really good and all the information that was included from him. I thought the little bit about why he chose to transfer to UNE was unnecessary tho Skelton entered the transfer portal in the spring of 2023 and chose UNE because of the marine biology program and his love of the blue turf. Also I think the conclusion could be beefed up a little more.
Feedback for Zak:
I don’t have a lot of critiques for Zak. I thought the piece was very good and well thought through. The first critique I had is that I think the headline could be a little more interesting. Maybe something like College campuses are facing a parking crisis. Or UNE debates should freshmen be allowed to bring their cars? I liked the examples of how different schools are handling the situation. But I think the piece could benefit from some more stats and facts. Students to parking permits ratios ext. I also think this piece could benefit from the perspective of a freshman. I think after the sentence “Some students at UNE feel as if having a car on campus is essential to having a successful first-year experience” this would be a good opportunity to add in a quote from a freshman. But overall I think the piece flows well and there is some good information here. Just need to add in some more details.
Feedback for Sarah:
I don’t have a lot of critiques for this piece. I think Sarah did an awesome job and there is little that she still has to do before her final submission. The story was clear and flows well throughout. I also liked that there were student and faculty perspectives to get both sides of the story. One of the only critiques I had was that the headline feels a little too wordy. I would change it to something like How undergraduate Programs at UNE are helping undeclared students. I would also talk about how many students end up switching their major and more about the benefits of going in undeclared opposed to declared. Also it would be interesting to know how many students the program has helped since its creation. Also it would be interesting but not necessary to get the perspective from a student who has switched majors instead of going in undeclared.