From the headline, I definitely know that this story is going to have something to do with the Residential Student Life Association – but I think if I were a reader outside of the class, not knowing anything about your pitch, I might want just a glimpse more of the direction you are going to take us. Jumping into the lede, there are solid facts that help orient me to what this association is, what its goals are, and who it is for. One thing I might raise is that I know we are all UNE students, but if we weren’t, it might be helpful for the impact of your story to provide that fact of what campus you’re going to talk about. You have a very detailed and helpful nut graph that gives lots of great specifics to the RSLA. Still, I think it is only a paragraph later that I start to uncover the story’s angle or purpose – that engagement in RSLA has been down. From that, we then get into how you highlight some potential reasons and look for solutions to the issue through talking with members, former advisors, etc. I think it is a great story and one that really impacts campus life – it might be helpful to think of a way to draw us into it from the beginning since it’s not hard news, and we have more creative opportunities could be a great tool.
Molly: “An Icy Start To the Rookie Season”
I really like your subheadline – it draws me in and lets me know that you are taking the story even further than just recruitment but that there is something to be said – whether good or bad – about strengthing and maintaining the team as well. The lede tells me what I should pay attention to regarding where we are, UNE, what the hockey team looks like, when it started, and who runs it. I think it’s a smart move to begin with a credibility/authorial position from the coach’s statement and then give the reader some information on the recruiting process and the realities of running a somewhat new team. I like the line, “It is easy to see the amount of work and time that goes into recruiting new players. However, come game time these typically aren’t the players in the line-up.” I think it does a great job of wrapping up the business side of the team and transitions us to hear from the students’ perspectives as well. The conclusion flows nicely for me, and I can see how you are taking this in a way right of passage that freshman playing time is often a major point of complaint and highlighting a new perspective on the strategic element that could be more appreciated and change the mood of the team. As for the structure, feature stories are longer and less confined by the fast, hard-hitting news, but I do think that there could be a few spots where, if you wanted to break up the paragraphs, you definitely have the content and ideas to support some of those being on their own and might keep the reader going a little easier. I think your piece also raised a question for me in terms of citation, and I wonder if, after you have already introduced who you are quoting, we also need to include parenthetical citations.
Kayleigh: “The Living shoreline project is giving students opportunities to take positive action in the face of climate change”
I like the headline a lot – it has some great keywords that provide insight into your story’s tone and goal. Highlighting student opportunities, taking action – and positive action at that – and within the scope of globally recognized efforts toward climate change solutions makes me want to continue reading. I’m not sure if ePortfolio may have compressed some of your paragraphs, but what I think looks like your lede gives necessary information on what school and students you are referring to – being UNE – and what professor or person of authority we can look to for credibility and also providing some specifics like the course students are in and the strategies and unique situation of our “picturesque campus.” I also think there is so much great information regarding this project’s mission and good evidence in terms of climate change that makes me, as the reader, see the connection between our unique experience at UNE and being able to test what might occur globally. The quotes from Morgan and Faraday provide some nice context and give a sense of urgency that I think is always needed when looking into climate solutions. The ending does a lot in providing the amount awarded to UNE and shows the tangible impact this project can have – although I would love to have heard directly from a student in this program or maybe to provide some thoughts on the new opportunity.
Kayleigh:
Overall, the structure of this story is very well written, and the lede is effective. I was immediately pulled into the article, and curious to read more about this project. Multiple different aspects of the project are explained, from its’ inception to students and faculty running the project and finishing off with the explanation of a large grant received by UNE. The quotes are useful and effective and do not remove the reader from the article’s overall story.
The largest change that I might make would come down to grammar. I noticed a few missing commas, as well as a few run-on sentences. Also, there is one part where the author lists items as numbered bullets, and I would turn that into a sentence without bullets. These edits are small and nit-picky, but I think cleaning up the article would get it ready for final submission, as it is already structured very well.
Phoebe:
I think that this story is off to a great start, but a few tweaks could bring it to its fullest potential. The lede needs some work, as it only explains what the RSLA is, and not why people should care about it. Adding something about an issue or event going on in RSLA that the reader might be inclined to attend or care about would strengthen the lede. In addition, the article is a bit all over the place, addressing many topics within the RSLA. I would focus on one and expand upon it in a bit more detail.
The interview is useful, and the quotes obtained from it improve the reading experience, so I would leave those where they are. There are quite a few instances where periods are used where commas should be, which need to be corrected. Besides a few other grammatical errors, this story is off to a fantastic start.
Molly:
Overall, this story is well structured and well written. The headline is eye catching and made me curious to read the story. The entire story is well structured and gives the reader a solid overview of life in the UNE hockey program. I think that this story does exactly what it is trying to do, and the quotes add to that. The author brings in the insight of both a coach and player, giving the reader a more well-rounded view of the story.
The only thing that I would change about this article comes down to grammar. There are a few run-ons, as well as incomplete ideas, and if they were fixed, it would be a much better reading experience. Also, the quotes do not need to be cited the way that they are, as the speaker is stated before the quote is written. This story is both interesting and well written, and I really enjoyed reading it.
Elia:
This is a very well written article. It starts with a solid headline and subhead line, both giving the reader a good idea of what the article will be about. While reading, it was hard to find anything that I would change about the article, as it checked every box for me. It gives insightful points of view of both faculty and students regarding the unpopular schedule change, making sure that the article does not seem biased. The author stays neutral very well, putting all statements back onto the people she interviewed.
The quotes included both added to the story and did not remove the reader from reading the article. I would not move them around, as they are in the perfect spot. I did not notice any errors in grammar or conventions, so no changes need to be made there. Overall, this is a well written and enjoyable article.
Kayleigh:
Through Kayleigh’s writing I think she does a really good job of communicating how knowledgeable she is about her topic of choice. She has very strong usage of quotes. A point that I may recommend would be maybe finding a way to break up the thoughts illustrated in this paper a little bit however this isn’t necessarily a weak point in the writing. And also rather than number the reasons maybe just listing them once again just another more personal preference suggestion. Overall I think Kayleigh has brought a lot of foundational pieces that really articulate her story and share information about an interest of hers.
Elia:
For Elias’ submission I found her lead and people interviewed to be the strongest components of her paper. She does a good job using these pieces to articulate a story and really re-ignite this debate on whether this schedule change is still beneficial and how this adjustment is still affecting students. One of my only concerns was if there really is a conclusion to the beneficiary aspects of this topic, however Elia gathered all of the pieces for you to make your own conclusion on if this was a kind of change worth implementing. Another piece of this story that I was really captured by was the bold question in the lead that is sure to grab the reader’s attention and sets you up to read the story and form your answer to the question. Not only using statements and quotes from people of higher up positions but also bringing it back to the students who are the overall majority of who are feeling the implements of this change is the bulk of building this story.
Phoebe:
Upon taking a first look at this story I think there are some minor structural components missing such as a formal headline and lead. Moving further into the piece I found the pieces of information shared and the interviews to be very strong and informational. Additionally I found the storytelling aspect of this paper to be good and the story of what is RSLA was a good build up into the use of quotes. I think without the lead being defined it’s a little harder to find the angle Phoebe is trying to focus on. However I think the overall focus and topics addressed in this story definitely are beneficial to readers.
Kayleigh
I think that you have a good lead but the paragraph needs to put the main focus of the lead first instead of keeping it in the back. You take time to introduce it but It should go first and then get into it. So it hooks the reads and leads them into the nut graph. I would put the “their mission:” part first right after the lead. I think the angle is giving off the good statistics and is very neutral. You had multiple interviews that had good and credible sources. Use of quotes I think the use of quotes is very much squeezed together. I feel like the back story should come after the purpose so that there is a why factor at play here and keeps the reader more interested in the feature. Also What is a living shoreline? For the storytelling techniques I don’t feel like there is a hook. I know it’s talking about the coastal line but I need more of a backstory or context to help it guide on. I think it could have Impact on readers. It is good to know.The Audience could be like students at UNE in environmental sciences or even incoming students interested in the subject.
Elia
The lead is good; it brings in the whole main part of the feature. It gives the reader a sense of emotion on what is happening and how poorly the admin went about it. I like the angle. The people interviewed or who were quoted from emails and such were good they helped bring into the perspective of what happened and why and the effect of it. The use of quotes help bring up the students’ views of the issue. And how they are being ignored by the administration. It gives a context of how the jr and sr feel about the schedule change, of when it first happened and then how they feel now if the feelings changed in any way or stayed the same. As a freshman who came in the fall after the change, I actually had no clue that they changed it like this. I don’t think that the admissions office shared this with me. I was captivated by this story. It was easy to read for me. It flowed nicely and wasn’t confusing. I think the impact of this would definitely unsilence some views and bring it into the sight of the underclass who most probably have no idea about this.
Molly
I think that this got to the point in putting all of the information that is important in front of the details. I liked it. It is well written and straightforward. It gives an indepth look at the history of the varsity hockey team and an even more closer look at how it works and the players. It had two interviews. It gives me what I need to know about the context in the start of the feature.The use of quotes flows well. The back story is well incorporated into the feature so it makes sense. I think that audience would be the whole school. I think the impact gives a more insightful look in this feature into the Hockey team at UNE and some challenges they face as a team and how it is different from past teams for the players and such. Sports bring the community together in lots of ways.
Elia,
Your lead is nice and sets the scene well for the context of your article, but I believe it could be a bit more detailed. For example, you say that students “erupted into protests, walk-out, and demands for transparency.”. What was the context of those? I don’t remember there being protests or walk outs, but maybe I just wasn’t paying much attention. I’d just ensure that you’re staying factual, although I will admit it sounds interesting. I’d also take another look at your last sentence of the lead, in the use of “we”. It probably is a little close to inserting yourself into the article.
I think in terms of angle, you have a good idea, it’s interesting and still relevant, especially to students who attended before the change in schedule.
I think the people you interviewed, and your use of quotes is appropriate as well, although I think an important perspective to get would be interviewing someone who attended one of the student government meetings regarding the schedule change, as I’ve heard some interesting things about the administrative response to questions there. The interviews with both students and administration are great.
Regarding context and backstory, I think your description and timeline of events is accurate, but it would be good to hear maybe a bit of backstory from the administration side, in terms of where the change started to be seriously discussed. As I said earlier, I think your lead is good, there’s an interesting story. I just wonder about the impact and audience of the story; without some new information, most of the people interested in the story will basically already know what your article is talking about.
Phoebe,
Your lead needs some work. I understand what your article is about (RSLA), but it isn’t clear to me what the story behind it is. You have a basic description, but no “hook” to interest people.
It additionally isn’t clear what the angle is on the story. What makes this something more than I could read on the UNE website or handbook? Are you portraying the RLSA negatively, positively, neutrally? I think there could be a story here, but you must work on the “what” part of this story. You could frame it as something like “Student life on campus after covid” or something about RSLA’s role post-covid.
Your interview with Petro-Stone is good, but it would add additional context to your article if you could arrange an interview with another person. In terms of your use of quotations, it needs some work.
Your usage of a quotation from the RSLA constitution is good, but I don’t think breaking it up as you did works/flows well, and you could find a better way to get the kind of information you want out of the quote. Additionally, your usage of “apparently” in the start of your 4th paragraph doesn’t work. That’s the type of information you want to be able to attribute to someone, as it’s not exactly common knowledge.
You give some pretty good context to what RSLA’s purpose is, but I’m not sure where the backstory comes in. In terms of storytelling techniques, you need to go through and read your article out loud. There are grammatical errors, incorrect usage of periods, and run on sentences/paragraphs. The denseness and syntax errors make reading difficult. I’m not sure who this story would impact, or who the intended audience would be. Think about the “why” and “what” of your story.
Molly,
Your lead is a good start, but I think you need to fill it out a little bit more. I like the inclusion of the location, but I feel like there could be a little bit more, especially with the mention of “alternative techniques”. What are they?
I’m not sure what the angle is. It seems almost more of a profile on the coach and Nathan rather than a feature on the team. It could be about more of the history of the team, their performance, or the experience of freshmen players? There are plenty of angles you can take, choose one and frame a story around it.
I think the interviews you have are relevant, although I’d be careful not to use inexact words (such as the coach’s time playing) when you could be precise. Your chosen quotes are solid, but you don’t need to attribute the quote to the person before and after the quotation. You fully name/give details the first time you introduce them, and then you can use their last name to refer to them.
I like the backstory and context you currently have, but it might be interesting to know more about the history of the team (possible angle?).
You have a good informational article, but I think the storytelling aspect could use some more work. I’m just not sure what the overall narrative is behind the info. This fits into your angle. You have the information, but not the underlying thread tying interest to the facts.
For impact and audience, I’m not sure who it’s written for, or what new information it brings to the table. With some work on “what” and “why”, I’m sure this could be an interesting feature on one of our more popular sports teams on campus.
Kayleigh,
I think your lead establishes the information around the topic at hand. However, your lead is too long, even for a feature story. Move it to your nut graph area. You also need to make it more attention-getting. Your headline is informational, but you could honestly move most of that information to a subheadline.
Your angle is unclear. Are you trying to raise awareness or inform people of the project? You could do both, but I can’t identify a story throughline that says where you’re coming from on the issue. Maybe it could be about the project and people’s lack of awareness/need to engage?
I think the people for interviews are relevant. Interviewing someone who is in the Living Shoreline Project. When you’re using quotes, be careful to capitalize proper nouns, add commas, and format so the quotes are in their own paragraphs.
You give good context to your story with the amount of information about the Living Shoreline project. I’d like more context with your numbered list of reasons why coastal erosion is relevant on the Biddeford campus/Saco River.
You have written a good informational article, but your storytelling needs work. You are invested in this topic, tell it to make others invested. How did it get like this in the first place, and what can be done for the future? Break up some of your big paragraphs, add spaces after periods, and capitalize proper nouns.
I feel like your article would be aimed at people who already know and are interested in the project and would matter to them. You should try to expand its scope, and try to get more people interested in it, as the people already interested would most likely already be contributing. After reading your article, I’m not sure what the impact is.
For Elias’ piece I think she did a really good job overall as per usual but there are just a few minor things that I would have done differently. In the beginning she describes “the University of New England Student Affairs office sent out the fateful email that would define the Spring semester” and then jumps right into the students’ outrage with the decision but she doesn’t discuss exactly what the email says and what exactly the students are mad about until later not including the headline. I would just establish what the schedule change was earlier before describing how the students felt about it. This isn’t a critique but I thought the use of quotes from students and faculty was really good throughout and really helped with the context of the story. I also think the choice of words was also really good throughout. In particular I really liked this sentence. While it is understandable that administrators and students may not have ample opportunities to discuss such feelings, silence does not necessarily equate to satisfaction. For my next critique, not sure if it is possible because it is kind of opinion based but in the end it just leaves the reader feeling hopeless like this is set in stone and there is nothing students can do about it. Which may be the reality of the situation but maybe you could add in some potential things students could pursue to get their voices heard on this topic. Like creating polls or petitions and sending them directly to Millen and Herbert. In the piece there is a quote that states “In speaking to the level of student dissatisfaction, Millen believes if students were still unhappy, he would have heard about it. Yet he says he has “zero complaints from students.” Under this quote would be a good place to add potential solutions to get student voices/opinions on the topic heard. For me, someone who came into UNE with the schedule change already established, I feel like if I had the opportunity to have my dissatisfaction with the schedule change heard I would definitely participate and a lot of students incoming don’t even know about the change. So if there was some way to get the word out to new and incoming students about the schedule change and potentially changing it back and let the people in charge know what an inconvenience it is to our lives we should pursue those opportunities. Whether it be a poll, petition, or planning a student walk out day on a Friday.
Feedback for Phoebe:
I think Phoebe also did a really good job but just needs a few little things to touch up on. The first thing I noticed about the piece is that the headline doesn’t really draw you in. The first sentence “The Residential Student Life Association (RSLA). Is an organization for on campus residence to voice concerns and ideas about the community.” which I’m assuming is the headline is too informational and should be the Nut graph. There needs to be something about why we are taking a deeper look into the RSLA in the headline, something that will make the readers want to know more. Maybe something like RSLA helps residential students with problems they face in their day to day lives” or “RSLA helps to boost student advocacy after COVID-19”. My next critique is that under the quote “The purpose of this organization shall be to RSLA shall serve as a medium through which residential students may voice their concerns, opinions, and comments on the state of residential life at the university” according to the RSLA constitution dated 2019.” I think that under this quote you can add something about how this service is important in maintaining students’ physical and mental wellbeing, and specific things the RSLA does on a day to day basis to help residential students. You say it’s a “tool” but how, go a little more in depth. When talking about how the organization is rehabilitating itself the information for when and where the organization meets is repeated “and having meetings every other Wednesday at 2pm in Featherman Hall’s classroom.” I feel for economy purposes this information does not need to be repeated. When you state The constitution of the RSLA has been updated to make it more simplified and condensed so it can according to Alex be used better and easier to understand in the summer of 2023. I feel like there is an opportunity to add a little more below it and Maybe add something about what they are doing to update and why it wasn’t easy to understand in the first place. Overall I think this is a very interesting piece that has a lot of potential.
Feedback for Molly:
I think Molly did a really good job on the feature, there are just a few small things I would have done differently. First I want to start by saying that I really like the headline. I also really liked how you give us context of the history of the hockey team at UNE and a little background on Coach swallow. Another thing I really liked was this sentence so not only is their freshman year a time to develop as a player but a time to earn a higher placement on the team that gets you that ice time. The first critique I have is that in these two sentences Here at UNE, Nathan has a position as one of the team’s forward/ wingers. Through a recruitment process that started in Chickering’s final year of juniors.You switch from referring To Nathan Chickering from Nathan To ChIckering. I would just try to keep it consistent and only refer to him as Chickering after introducing him for the first time. My next critique is that the information about how Chickering feels about the school and the coach doesn’t really feel needed and I think you could say something better and more relevant to the story with the 64 words “Following this contact he shared “I came down for an official tour, saw all the facilities and campus and met a couple guys on the team so I could better understand if UNE was somewhere I truly wanted to be” (Nathan Chickering, medical biology, 2026). With this important relationship formed not only were Chickering’s academic intentions satisfied but as well as his athletic intentions.” Maybe you could replace it with a different more relevant quote. Another positive I have to add is that I really liked this quote “No matter where you are coming in as a freshman, you are transitioning from playing against 18–21-year- olds to 21–25-year old’s and for many that can be a big change.” I also really liked this sentence as well. So rather than see this lack of playing time as a negative it had been proven as a strategy to building a stronger and more confident team. I think this sentence does a great job tying the piece together. Overall I think this a really great piece and has a lot of good information.
Elia
This piece thoroughly covers all of its bases with the after-effects of the schedule change and is interesting to read about. The lede appropriately sets the tone from the student’s perspective as they disagreed with the change. Perhaps that resentment is still lingering in the upper-undergraduate population. The students were outraged by this swift change and implementation of the schedule without any prior contact or opinions from the students. You have also found great contacts to interview, with faculty member Dean Millen giving the University’s perspective on the change and rationale, and even previous statements from President Herbert. The angle is definitely from the student’s perspective, clearly stated in the subhead, so those interviews are valuable here. I believe the impact to be quite relevant and beneficial; I love the use of silence not equating to satisfaction as a follow-up to the interview with Dean Millen, a prominent note for the University to consider. Students are clearly pushed into compliance and forced to move on from this abrupt change. My only advice would perhaps incorporate something mentioning how incoming students do not realize this was a change made in the first place. You say that this outrage from students has lost its motivation, but you should mention that the new students are now unaware of what system used to be in place. I myself questioned why Wednesdays were the chosen days to have ‘off’ instead of extending the weekend as many other universities do.
Phoebe
This work is direct in its intended impact, with getting more residential students to join in on the meetings held by the RSLA. Your lead lays out who the RSLA is but waits to explain the what, where, and maybe why a bit later. It may be beneficial to add this to the lead earlier. The interview helps assess the issue of the lack of student engagement in the committee meetings. The RSLA advisor explains why this school organization began and why its number of participants has dropped since COVID-19. The audience is clearly residential students here at UNE, to make them aware of these meetings, as it is not common knowledge around campus. I would like to see how the RA’s perspective gets woven into this piece and maybe even that of a current resident who frequents the RSLA meetings. As mentioned by Alex, the committee gives students voices beyond their RA’s, so integrating a student’s voice into this would round it off quite well. I am also curious about the attendance numbers before and after COVID-19 so the reader can see how much change has occurred here. Overall, the messages and impact are clear, and adding more perspectives and details will benefit this greatly.
Molly
An intriguing piece even for someone who does not frequent hockey games, it does well with shedding light on UNE coaches’ reasoning for their methods during games and the recruiting process. The lead is not all that informative, more just speculative to hook the reader; I would like to see more of the who here. Simply mentioning the coach would satisfy the lead. I appreciate the perspectives of both the coach and the player, as their insights provide the initial confusion from the player to the enlightening of the situation from the coach. It makes more sense why coach Swallow does not give younger students much ice time in their first year or two, as they are transitioning to a higher level of this contact sport. Since I do not watch hockey, I am confused about what juniors are in hockey, so perhaps incorporating a brief definition/description of that would be helpful for readers unfamiliar with the sport. The audience could be a variety of people here, from aspiring UNE hockey players, current hockey players, or fans interested in the sport and methodology of the coaches. The quotes are perfect for this feature, as they accurately articulate the purpose of the story and give perspectives supporting the narrative.
Kayleigh
This piece captures and informs the readers about the environmental aspects of this project very well; I was engaged throughout. I am a bit curious, however, if you can make the impact greater on the consequences of erosion on campus. The benefits of the ecosystems are clear, but perhaps instilling a need for this project could help with demonstrating why this project is so influential. The lead illuminates all aspects of who, what, and where, but it feels as though we are missing the when. Is this project occurring now, and when is it projected to be “finished”?
The people you interviewed were highly insightful; their quotes flow well with your writing and formatting. Getting those professional views about the project gives your piece great credibility. My only thought here would be to hear from a student working on the project, how they are involved, and what exactly they do. The audience could be anyone at UNE or in the surrounding areas concerned about the environmental aspects of the campus, and the angle is evident. Overall, this is a very intriguing topic, and the order in which you lay out your thoughts/ideas works well.
Kayleigh
First off I think that you need a shorter leade. I think that is enriched in great content and I believe that it would be great in the nut graf and in the first paragraph. I think that focusing on a green initiative that UNE is focusing on with students helps promote an interactive feel with a classroom. The Saco river is home to many wildlife and marine plant life and is important to the local community in Biddeford and in surrounding areas. Some things that I wish were included in this were how long it took to get the grant, and how do you convince an organization to give you over 100k? I like what you’re going for in terms of your angle about how this on campus program has been able to get a large sum of finances from another company to help preserve marine life in the Saco river.
Phoebe
In your leade include the location, dates if applicable and instead of using the term “On Campus’ ‘ in the leade establish that you’re talking about the Residence Life on campus at UNE in Biddeford Maine, not just on campus. There should also be a new paragraph when giving a quote. This feature creature needs a title, no one is going to take note of or want to read an article that doesn’t have a captivating title. I think that this is a good story and that it needs to be cleaned up and made to be more digestible. It is a good story and a great idea for a feature. I just think that it needs a little bit of TLC.
Elia
You have a great leade, I can get the feel of the story and the tone of it from just those few sentences. I also like the way that you introduce your quotes, “They don’t all start with “ and then someone said … “ Everything is formatted well. I think that the people you chose to interview were very passionate about the subject of the schedule change and how that affects the students. A quote that stands out to me is “I wish it would be, but I honestly feel like no matter how many people bring it up, there wouldn’t be a change.” from Mamula. I like the way that it ended as well. It summarizes and plays into the story quite well. I too would benefit with the idea of being off on fridays! I hate that they changed that before I got the chance to enjoy it.
Molly
I think that this is a great feature about the Hockey team here! Everything is formatted correctly and this piece is enriched with great content. You do need to make a new paragraph when using a quote. The interviewees were great and they provided more than adequate responses. Some paragraphs should be made more concise and shortened overall. I am also aware that this is hard to do when you have the constraints of a word quota. I think that this is a good way of showcasing college recruiting in sports and how a coach can make an impact on a team.
Kayleigh-
The headline I really like as it captures exactly what the reader will be reading as well as making it interesting to the reader to make them what to read and learn more. The lead is well structured as well. I liked how it was a start to the news story but as well an explanation of what the project is. The only thing I would say is potentially make it two paragraphs of the start and then the explanation however it is still good as is. Going into the rest of the paper, the structure of it is great, giving a full explanation of the project into bigger detail as well as given future predictions. I like how in the ending paragraph you given stats that add credibility to you as a writer as well give credibility to the topic you are talking about and really brings the whole paper together.
Elia-
The headline I really like as it works to understanding the paper as well gives questions that made me curious to read the rest of the paper. I like the question posed as well in the sub-headline, makes me think and want to read the paper even more. The lead is great at getting that understanding of the topic and problem you’re facing as well making me very interested to learn as a freshman who didn’t experience the formal schedule. Throughout the paper I also like how the separation of the paragraphs go into one topic but go together well in the overall topic. One thing I would say to potentially add is to look at a student who was a part of the former schedule to see what their thoughts we be as well as seeing if it’s a positive to the people who didn’t experience the other schedule.
Phoebe-
I like how the lead is however making sure you remember to add a lead would be helpful, potentially adding a mini glimpse into the paper. The explanation of the RSLA that was in the lead to me is perfect because it adds to the credibility of the paper as well presents the idea of taking the concerns of students into the back of the readers head as the read into your story more. The paper starting with the board meeting I also think is good to at again setting those key things in the back of the readers mind that help to have the reader agree with you and find you more credible. I think one thing you might want to do depending on your vision as well as if it works is to separate the paragraphs so there not if they currently are. Overall, I believe this is a strong story and with the facts given makes you look credible.
Molly
In the headline I like how it fully explains the story as well as does a nice pun that make it captivating. I like the direction of the paper, going to the start of players colleges careers was a interesting approach. One thing I might potentially look at is talking to the rookies of the team this season or players who have been are the team to give into how they all think of the recruitment process and the building your name process. I like how you also go into the credibility of the coach as well because that adds what you talk about using his words as well as at the same time adding credibility to your name as well. One thing that could be a very interesting approach is going to the stats of the team and players throughout the years to see how both the addition of new players and the coach adds to the team.
Elia:
Lead: I like how concise and engaging it is! It really sets up the reader to learn more about the schedule change, the decision behind it, and especially the student outcry afterwards.
People Interviewed/Quotes: I think the inclusion of students and relevant faculty voices was a great choice and added much needed context and information, especially since you talked to students who experienced the schedule change. I, personally, would maybe switch around some wording when introducing an interviewee (instead of “Alexis Smith (she/her), Senior Medical Biology major”, maybe “Senior Medical Biology student, Alexis Smith (she/her), …..”). But other than this small change, I think quotes are used very well in your piece! I also love how you used multiple media sources, like the President’s forum.
Context/Backstory: Since this story relied so heavily on backstory, it is especially important, and I think it is used/implemented in a very effective way!
Storytelling Techniques: I think you have a very unique way of presenting the story, and I think it lends itself really well to readers of all background (students who didn’t experience the change, non-students, faculty, etc). I especially love the open-ended conclusion, as it reflects the dissatisfaction students feel very well. One note: instead of “appear to continue” in the last sentence, I think changing it to “continue to appear” would make it flow a bit better.
Impact/Audience: I think this piece could be really beneficial and have a large impact on the present student body, and possibly even faculty, for many reasons (several of which I’ve written above). Especially your statement, “…silence does not necessarily equate to satisfaction,” could be impactful if relevant faculty happen to read the article.
Overall, I think you have a really well fleshed-out piece, and the context and perspectives that you’ve gathered only add more depth! I only noticed some minor issues, which I touched on previously, but otherwise well done!
Phoebe:
Lead: I like that your lead is informative and will help readers understand the topic of the article! I think it would help the flow of your piece to state more about the problem/issue you’ve come across in RSLA and why it matters, which would also help to hook readers in as well.
People Interviewed: I think you have a great start to the interviews with Alex Petro-Stone, as she seems like she would have a lot of needed context and information for you to write about. I would definitely suggest talking to possibly some RA’s or other people involved with RSLA, or even a representative from NACURH?
Quotes: Make sure to be using Petro-Stone’s (or any other source’s) last name when referencing them after the first time they’re mentioned (eg. “‘….work with them to find a solution,” says Petro-Stone).
Context/Backstory: I think you have a good amount of information about RSLA and what they do in your piece. I think adding more about how it’s evolved or changed over the years could be beneficial, maybe even asking someone with that info for an interview?
Storytelling Techniques: I think you can definitely make certain parts of your article more concise, or pared down a bit, just to help the flow and maintain a steady pace. I also think making some of those bigger paragraphs into smaller, more digestible ones would be beneficial, but I do really like the voice that you’re using to tell the story; it’s very personal to the situation and I think adding that perspective makes it really interesting!
Impact/Audience: I think this article could really help students to understand the role of RSLA, especially because I don’t think many students know the extent of what they’re responsible for!
Overall, there is some fine-tuning I think you could do to improve flow and the presentation of information, but I think you have a good start and a good topic!
Molly:
Lead: I really like the lead! It’s informative and straight to the point 🙂
People Interviewed: I think interviewing a coach and player was a very good choice, and it added those perspectives that are vital to this kind of piece. Maybe interviewing some Sports Management or other students majoring in something athletics-related could be beneficial, but I think the quotes you have now are good.
Context/backstory: I think your first paragraph has a great deal of context and backstory worked into it, and that kind of flows into the rest of the article well, especially because you interviewed someone whose been involved in the program for a long time.
Storytelling techniques: I like how you tell the story of the people you’ve interviewed as you go, as I think it “builds credibility”, so to speak, with the audience. I definitely think talking more about the strengthening of the athletes will help you develop your story and relate to your topic better, but great start so far!
Impact/audience: I think this story could be really interesting for the students involved or interested in athletics, as it’s a big topic that may not have been properly touched on before!
Overall, I think the piece could do with a bit more developing and relating to the topic at hand, but I think you have a really great start and a lot of good context and information already included!
Kayleigh:
Lead: I really like how much information you’ve put into your lead! I think maybe making it a little more concise could help with the flow, but I think it has a lot of info that definitely is important to the article!
People Interviewed/Quotes: I love how many people you’ve interviewed, and I think this gives you a really great pool of info and perspectives that you can take from to build your article!! There are just some grammatical errors in and surrounding your quotes, which should be fixed before the final product, but I think you already have a wealth of really good information that’ll make your piece stand out.
Context/backstory: It’s obvious that you’ve really done your research, and there’s a lot of important context and information already in the article, regarding UNE’s coastal health and ecosystem. Have you considered maybe mentioning the recent flooding, and what projects are going on to combat the effects of that? I think that could be cool to add on, especially because it was so recent.
Impact/audience: I think this article will be super interesting to read, especially for students involved and interested in the local ecosystems and UNE’s carbon footprint, and I think the way you’re setting up your article will really lend itself well to these students.
Overall, I think, by fixing a few grammatical mistakes and just making some portions more concise, this article will be super informative and important for students of UNE to read and understand!
Kayleigh’s –
Right off the bat, I feel like her headline does a good job of capturing the sum of this piece. I am given the location, who the story’s about, and a little bit of background information. The set up of the article makes sense but it’s lengthy. A break in the first paragraph could help spread out the words and also keep the attention of viewers. In the second paragraph, I liked that viewers are getting statistics from credible sources directly from the school. It explains a very real threat to the enviorment and lets veiwers know how it will effect them. Leaning the science behind this article is important but for the average person, all this information could be overwhelming. I think finding more spaces to break up the whole article would make it easier to digest. Overall, there’s a couple of grammatical things like missing comas, sentence structure, and adding spaces but it’s a great piece that more people should be aware of.
Elia –
The first three paragraph are really impressive and eye cathcing, as a student this is definitely something I want to know about. It clearly explains what the schedule was about before the change which sets up good context. The article goes on the share both sides to this change. The academic side provides a reason and goal to build the extracurricular of the students on the weekends which is a valid reason. Viewers then get a student perspective that very real. Some students needed Friday off to help with their family or finally have a break from their grueling schedules. The statement, “Silence does not necessarily equate satisfaction” really stood out to me. The article wraps up with a possible end to the challenging schedule but as quotes proves, the administration stands on their change and students still hope. I think the end really captures exactly how the students are feeling, hopefully but ultimately know theres nothing to do.
Molly –
I feel like readers just jump into the beginning of the article, yes there is context information like location but it feels incomplete. It then jumps right into introducing the coach and his statements which is great because he’s giving readers the run down of what it takes to make recruitment. In the bulk of the article theres a few small things like capitalization and grammar but otherwise good. It does a good job of clearly explaining the school’s hockey recruitment and practice/training process by shaping the coaches explanation and an actual players experiences. For example, the article points out many of these new players are transitioning to playing with older guys which can definitely be a change. The article wraps up by pointing out the teams success and hope that they will win again. The article is good at coming full circle but I feel like there could be more attraction.
Phoebe –
In the beginning of this article I feel like we just jump into it. Yes it explains the focus of the piece and organization but theres no clarification of what school this is at. Later on, I get clarification of when the group meets but I feel liek the structure is off, rearranging the context and having breaks in the sentences will make for an easier and less random read. I feel like the quote of the purpose of the organization comes late too but it’s good that student readers know there’s a place to voice their concerns. I also like that the article covers Covid times because it gives us a look at the past and how it’s effect the community now. This article points out something that I wasn’t aware of. I think a lot of students need to read this because it actually might be a way for them to do something about their problems rather than just complain. It’s very informative but I think it needs a little spark to keep the attention of readers.
Kayleigh,
I think your headline is good and definitely lets the reader know what exactly they are reading about. However, I think the lede could be shortened a tad, but it is effective. I do like how you were able to explain multiple different aspects of the project and give background information to someone who may be unfamiliar. Grammatically speaking there’s some small spacing issues but that can be fixed relatively easily so I wouldn’t stress too much about them right now. I think your quotes are very strong and do a good job at going more in depth into the topic and I think they are used effectively. So far, I think it’s pretty good you did a good job at being clear and concise through your article and made it easy to follow along with.
Elia,
I think you did a great job with your headline and lede I think it immediately grabs the reader’s attention and the background info that you gave to start it off was great. I think you did a great job in terms of storytelling and really showing the emotion and feelings of those who were affected by the schedule change. I think that the people you interviewed make the writing even stronger because it allows the reader to get the side of the schedule change and see how it could be viewed by positives and negatives. I think the writing overall is very good and honestly saw very little that could even be wrong with it. I think that the ending is also very strong because it leaves you with a certain feeling as the reader of like a gut wrench for the students who had to deal with the change and how they were affected.
Phoebe,
I found that the quotes and storytelling aspect of the piece were very strong, however I did struggle to find a clear angle that you were taking on RSLA. The first thing that I had initially realized was that the headline doesn’t really draw you in and along with that I felt like the first sentence which maybe was the headline could have actually been the nut graph in this example. I did like the explanation of what RSLA was in the paper because it adds that background information that we may have been missing. I do think that the idea however of the story is good and could definitely be better with some of these tweaks to it.
Molly,
First things first I like the headline and the wordplay on hockey. I know some might think that it’s” cheesy” or something like that but me personally I like it, I think it’s a good way to draw the reader in. I think the start is good and does a great job at establishing what the reading is about to be about. I liked your quotes and the background info on the coaches and players. I think structurally it helps the writing flow and helps the reader understand more about the team in general. I think the quotes help a lot because they answer some the thing you discussed so I feel like they helped the flow.
Headline is good but could be shortened. Using delving did you mean Diving? I like how you mentioned Saco Watershed Collaborative. But the one thing I would do is separate the lead at where you say “their mission.” I like your quotes you used in the second paragraph. I think it is really good as well that you added in the two year grant that UNE received. I think that adds more context and makes it stronger. I do also like how you mention what the students are doing at the end but I would maybe talk about it sooner rather than later stuffed into the paragraph.
Molly:
The sub headline is very strong and gives good extra detail into what your article is about. You give great detail about the head coach and you got great quotes from him as well as the player Nate. The one main thing I would suggest is just using last name instead of say coach swallow just say swallow. Even when you used it as (N.Chickering) it could be shortened to just Chickering. Overall I think you have a great story and that it is set up very solid and has great potential.
Elia:
Your lead is very strong and makes the reader want to continue reading. I like how you introduced Dean Millen in his own paragraph then went into quotes with him. Where you use Alexis smith’s quotes it says her family I would change it to my family since it is a quote and can be in the first person. I like how you added negative effects from students. I think that really brings out how students feel about it. Where it says where I asked Mamula I would change that to third person. I like how you ended it, it really shows how the students feel.
Phoebe:
At first the article is tough to understand but with phoebe explaining out what it is really made the article makes sense for me. I think the quotes are very well put and make the article strong and very beneficial to a reader learning about RSLA.
Kayleigh’s Journal
Perhaps more nuance in the title? It’s descriptive but sounds a little dull.
Needs more paragraph spacing.
I don’t think you need to put “Biddeford ME” at the beginning of your article in parentheses
Check for some grammatical errors
I think “Reckoning” is supposed to be either underlined or in quotation marks
Should we be speaking in the 1st person? This isn’t a critique, I genuinely don’t know
This is a good article overall, it just needs to have someone read it over to check for grammatical errors, as well as be broken up a lot more than it already is. It feels like big blocks of text that are an eyesore to have to read if I was a prospective reader. The topic itself is very interesting and well written.
Elia’s Journal
Like the title and the subtitle
This is honestly a solid article. I like it a lot.
I like the fact that it addresses both sides of the reception of the act. You hear it from the Dean, and you also hear about it from two students. It’s an interesting and informative take.
Molly’s Journal
Great title
…do we need “Biddeford ME” in the title..? Now I’m doubting myself
This feels a little like a profile piece?
This article feels very well written and I like it a lot, but I’m not sure if this is a feature piece? That might be nitpicky though.
This does a great job at informing the reader how a prospective hockey player at UNE gets more time on the ice. I think the intro could’ve been worked better to allow for a more informative synopsis on what the article is about, but everything else works great.
Phoebe’s Journal
Needs a title
I do feel like it needs to be broken up a lot more than it is.
The quotes feel a little crammed in, like they don’t belong, and I think some of them need to be checked for grammar mistakes.
Lots of grammar mistakes
Instagram needs to be capitalized
Do we have to have an acronym for EVERYTHING
The article feels a bit dry.
Elia: “Where Are We Now: Updates on the Turbulent Schedule Change of 2022”
To start this off I really liked your sub-headline, i feel like it clearly states what the article is and gives a great feel for how this article leans. All and all this is an extremely solid article with good quotes, nice flow and pace, as well as feel. There is very little I would personally change, and honestly I don’t feel qualified to peer review your work. This is a very good story, that I myself am interested in as someone who started coming to UNE before the schedule shift, so it is interesting to see where opinions have ended up on this issue, that was once so prevalent on campus, i was having discussions about this in every class that semester, and it was a strange and wonderful time to see campus so untied on a single topic and issue at the time. Great story.
Phoebe: “RSLA”
I really liked your story overall, but I feel like it could use some direction, especially in your lead, which is currently only an explanation of what RSLA is, there isn’t really any angle or spin on the story presented there. Is there an Issue with RSLA that the campus is dealing with right now? Is there something that RSLA is doing right now that’s like a big event on campus? Obviously your story doesn’t need this, and goes into more about what you want to talk about deeper into the article. It’s just with the headline just being “RSLA” and the leed being a straight explanation of the group with nothing further, as a reader I was unsure what the article was going to be about exactly other than obviously being about RSLA, I’d think about reworking the headline and expanding upon your main point there, and maybe moving some of your main points into the lead if only to seed the ideas for later on in the article.
Kayleigh: “The Living shoreline project is giving students opportunities to take positive action in the face of climate change.”
This is a very solid article, although it does read a little bit like a scientific paper to me, I think the bug and most obvious thing is to work on spacing and format for this article, break everything up more these walls of texts are not going to keep readers engaged and entertained no matter how cool are interesting your subject matter is, which I happen to think is pretty cool. Also playing around with the wording and try to make it less academic. Those two things together will definitely make this a stand out article about an amazing topic.
Molly: “An Icy Start To the Rookie Season”
This is a really solid story, and I feel like the only place you really struggle is in some paragraph spacing and some things, there were like two or so paragraphs that felt a bit longer than what they really needed to be for the format we are trying to achieve. Overall this was a very solid article though, with a really catchy headline that caught my attention immediately and made me want to read more.
15 thoughts on “FEEDBACK GROUP # 1”
Phoebe: “RSLA”
From the headline, I definitely know that this story is going to have something to do with the Residential Student Life Association – but I think if I were a reader outside of the class, not knowing anything about your pitch, I might want just a glimpse more of the direction you are going to take us. Jumping into the lede, there are solid facts that help orient me to what this association is, what its goals are, and who it is for. One thing I might raise is that I know we are all UNE students, but if we weren’t, it might be helpful for the impact of your story to provide that fact of what campus you’re going to talk about. You have a very detailed and helpful nut graph that gives lots of great specifics to the RSLA. Still, I think it is only a paragraph later that I start to uncover the story’s angle or purpose – that engagement in RSLA has been down. From that, we then get into how you highlight some potential reasons and look for solutions to the issue through talking with members, former advisors, etc. I think it is a great story and one that really impacts campus life – it might be helpful to think of a way to draw us into it from the beginning since it’s not hard news, and we have more creative opportunities could be a great tool.
Molly: “An Icy Start To the Rookie Season”
I really like your subheadline – it draws me in and lets me know that you are taking the story even further than just recruitment but that there is something to be said – whether good or bad – about strengthing and maintaining the team as well. The lede tells me what I should pay attention to regarding where we are, UNE, what the hockey team looks like, when it started, and who runs it. I think it’s a smart move to begin with a credibility/authorial position from the coach’s statement and then give the reader some information on the recruiting process and the realities of running a somewhat new team. I like the line, “It is easy to see the amount of work and time that goes into recruiting new players. However, come game time these typically aren’t the players in the line-up.” I think it does a great job of wrapping up the business side of the team and transitions us to hear from the students’ perspectives as well. The conclusion flows nicely for me, and I can see how you are taking this in a way right of passage that freshman playing time is often a major point of complaint and highlighting a new perspective on the strategic element that could be more appreciated and change the mood of the team. As for the structure, feature stories are longer and less confined by the fast, hard-hitting news, but I do think that there could be a few spots where, if you wanted to break up the paragraphs, you definitely have the content and ideas to support some of those being on their own and might keep the reader going a little easier. I think your piece also raised a question for me in terms of citation, and I wonder if, after you have already introduced who you are quoting, we also need to include parenthetical citations.
Kayleigh: “The Living shoreline project is giving students opportunities to take positive action in the face of climate change”
I like the headline a lot – it has some great keywords that provide insight into your story’s tone and goal. Highlighting student opportunities, taking action – and positive action at that – and within the scope of globally recognized efforts toward climate change solutions makes me want to continue reading. I’m not sure if ePortfolio may have compressed some of your paragraphs, but what I think looks like your lede gives necessary information on what school and students you are referring to – being UNE – and what professor or person of authority we can look to for credibility and also providing some specifics like the course students are in and the strategies and unique situation of our “picturesque campus.” I also think there is so much great information regarding this project’s mission and good evidence in terms of climate change that makes me, as the reader, see the connection between our unique experience at UNE and being able to test what might occur globally. The quotes from Morgan and Faraday provide some nice context and give a sense of urgency that I think is always needed when looking into climate solutions. The ending does a lot in providing the amount awarded to UNE and shows the tangible impact this project can have – although I would love to have heard directly from a student in this program or maybe to provide some thoughts on the new opportunity.
Kayleigh:
Overall, the structure of this story is very well written, and the lede is effective. I was immediately pulled into the article, and curious to read more about this project. Multiple different aspects of the project are explained, from its’ inception to students and faculty running the project and finishing off with the explanation of a large grant received by UNE. The quotes are useful and effective and do not remove the reader from the article’s overall story.
The largest change that I might make would come down to grammar. I noticed a few missing commas, as well as a few run-on sentences. Also, there is one part where the author lists items as numbered bullets, and I would turn that into a sentence without bullets. These edits are small and nit-picky, but I think cleaning up the article would get it ready for final submission, as it is already structured very well.
Phoebe:
I think that this story is off to a great start, but a few tweaks could bring it to its fullest potential. The lede needs some work, as it only explains what the RSLA is, and not why people should care about it. Adding something about an issue or event going on in RSLA that the reader might be inclined to attend or care about would strengthen the lede. In addition, the article is a bit all over the place, addressing many topics within the RSLA. I would focus on one and expand upon it in a bit more detail.
The interview is useful, and the quotes obtained from it improve the reading experience, so I would leave those where they are. There are quite a few instances where periods are used where commas should be, which need to be corrected. Besides a few other grammatical errors, this story is off to a fantastic start.
Molly:
Overall, this story is well structured and well written. The headline is eye catching and made me curious to read the story. The entire story is well structured and gives the reader a solid overview of life in the UNE hockey program. I think that this story does exactly what it is trying to do, and the quotes add to that. The author brings in the insight of both a coach and player, giving the reader a more well-rounded view of the story.
The only thing that I would change about this article comes down to grammar. There are a few run-ons, as well as incomplete ideas, and if they were fixed, it would be a much better reading experience. Also, the quotes do not need to be cited the way that they are, as the speaker is stated before the quote is written. This story is both interesting and well written, and I really enjoyed reading it.
Elia:
This is a very well written article. It starts with a solid headline and subhead line, both giving the reader a good idea of what the article will be about. While reading, it was hard to find anything that I would change about the article, as it checked every box for me. It gives insightful points of view of both faculty and students regarding the unpopular schedule change, making sure that the article does not seem biased. The author stays neutral very well, putting all statements back onto the people she interviewed.
The quotes included both added to the story and did not remove the reader from reading the article. I would not move them around, as they are in the perfect spot. I did not notice any errors in grammar or conventions, so no changes need to be made there. Overall, this is a well written and enjoyable article.
Kayleigh:
Through Kayleigh’s writing I think she does a really good job of communicating how knowledgeable she is about her topic of choice. She has very strong usage of quotes. A point that I may recommend would be maybe finding a way to break up the thoughts illustrated in this paper a little bit however this isn’t necessarily a weak point in the writing. And also rather than number the reasons maybe just listing them once again just another more personal preference suggestion. Overall I think Kayleigh has brought a lot of foundational pieces that really articulate her story and share information about an interest of hers.
Elia:
For Elias’ submission I found her lead and people interviewed to be the strongest components of her paper. She does a good job using these pieces to articulate a story and really re-ignite this debate on whether this schedule change is still beneficial and how this adjustment is still affecting students. One of my only concerns was if there really is a conclusion to the beneficiary aspects of this topic, however Elia gathered all of the pieces for you to make your own conclusion on if this was a kind of change worth implementing. Another piece of this story that I was really captured by was the bold question in the lead that is sure to grab the reader’s attention and sets you up to read the story and form your answer to the question. Not only using statements and quotes from people of higher up positions but also bringing it back to the students who are the overall majority of who are feeling the implements of this change is the bulk of building this story.
Phoebe:
Upon taking a first look at this story I think there are some minor structural components missing such as a formal headline and lead. Moving further into the piece I found the pieces of information shared and the interviews to be very strong and informational. Additionally I found the storytelling aspect of this paper to be good and the story of what is RSLA was a good build up into the use of quotes. I think without the lead being defined it’s a little harder to find the angle Phoebe is trying to focus on. However I think the overall focus and topics addressed in this story definitely are beneficial to readers.
Kayleigh
I think that you have a good lead but the paragraph needs to put the main focus of the lead first instead of keeping it in the back. You take time to introduce it but It should go first and then get into it. So it hooks the reads and leads them into the nut graph. I would put the “their mission:” part first right after the lead. I think the angle is giving off the good statistics and is very neutral. You had multiple interviews that had good and credible sources. Use of quotes I think the use of quotes is very much squeezed together. I feel like the back story should come after the purpose so that there is a why factor at play here and keeps the reader more interested in the feature. Also What is a living shoreline? For the storytelling techniques I don’t feel like there is a hook. I know it’s talking about the coastal line but I need more of a backstory or context to help it guide on. I think it could have Impact on readers. It is good to know.The Audience could be like students at UNE in environmental sciences or even incoming students interested in the subject.
Elia
The lead is good; it brings in the whole main part of the feature. It gives the reader a sense of emotion on what is happening and how poorly the admin went about it. I like the angle. The people interviewed or who were quoted from emails and such were good they helped bring into the perspective of what happened and why and the effect of it. The use of quotes help bring up the students’ views of the issue. And how they are being ignored by the administration. It gives a context of how the jr and sr feel about the schedule change, of when it first happened and then how they feel now if the feelings changed in any way or stayed the same. As a freshman who came in the fall after the change, I actually had no clue that they changed it like this. I don’t think that the admissions office shared this with me. I was captivated by this story. It was easy to read for me. It flowed nicely and wasn’t confusing. I think the impact of this would definitely unsilence some views and bring it into the sight of the underclass who most probably have no idea about this.
Molly
I think that this got to the point in putting all of the information that is important in front of the details. I liked it. It is well written and straightforward. It gives an indepth look at the history of the varsity hockey team and an even more closer look at how it works and the players. It had two interviews. It gives me what I need to know about the context in the start of the feature.The use of quotes flows well. The back story is well incorporated into the feature so it makes sense. I think that audience would be the whole school. I think the impact gives a more insightful look in this feature into the Hockey team at UNE and some challenges they face as a team and how it is different from past teams for the players and such. Sports bring the community together in lots of ways.
Elia,
Your lead is nice and sets the scene well for the context of your article, but I believe it could be a bit more detailed. For example, you say that students “erupted into protests, walk-out, and demands for transparency.”. What was the context of those? I don’t remember there being protests or walk outs, but maybe I just wasn’t paying much attention. I’d just ensure that you’re staying factual, although I will admit it sounds interesting. I’d also take another look at your last sentence of the lead, in the use of “we”. It probably is a little close to inserting yourself into the article.
I think in terms of angle, you have a good idea, it’s interesting and still relevant, especially to students who attended before the change in schedule.
I think the people you interviewed, and your use of quotes is appropriate as well, although I think an important perspective to get would be interviewing someone who attended one of the student government meetings regarding the schedule change, as I’ve heard some interesting things about the administrative response to questions there. The interviews with both students and administration are great.
Regarding context and backstory, I think your description and timeline of events is accurate, but it would be good to hear maybe a bit of backstory from the administration side, in terms of where the change started to be seriously discussed. As I said earlier, I think your lead is good, there’s an interesting story. I just wonder about the impact and audience of the story; without some new information, most of the people interested in the story will basically already know what your article is talking about.
Phoebe,
Your lead needs some work. I understand what your article is about (RSLA), but it isn’t clear to me what the story behind it is. You have a basic description, but no “hook” to interest people.
It additionally isn’t clear what the angle is on the story. What makes this something more than I could read on the UNE website or handbook? Are you portraying the RLSA negatively, positively, neutrally? I think there could be a story here, but you must work on the “what” part of this story. You could frame it as something like “Student life on campus after covid” or something about RSLA’s role post-covid.
Your interview with Petro-Stone is good, but it would add additional context to your article if you could arrange an interview with another person. In terms of your use of quotations, it needs some work.
Your usage of a quotation from the RSLA constitution is good, but I don’t think breaking it up as you did works/flows well, and you could find a better way to get the kind of information you want out of the quote. Additionally, your usage of “apparently” in the start of your 4th paragraph doesn’t work. That’s the type of information you want to be able to attribute to someone, as it’s not exactly common knowledge.
You give some pretty good context to what RSLA’s purpose is, but I’m not sure where the backstory comes in. In terms of storytelling techniques, you need to go through and read your article out loud. There are grammatical errors, incorrect usage of periods, and run on sentences/paragraphs. The denseness and syntax errors make reading difficult. I’m not sure who this story would impact, or who the intended audience would be. Think about the “why” and “what” of your story.
Molly,
Your lead is a good start, but I think you need to fill it out a little bit more. I like the inclusion of the location, but I feel like there could be a little bit more, especially with the mention of “alternative techniques”. What are they?
I’m not sure what the angle is. It seems almost more of a profile on the coach and Nathan rather than a feature on the team. It could be about more of the history of the team, their performance, or the experience of freshmen players? There are plenty of angles you can take, choose one and frame a story around it.
I think the interviews you have are relevant, although I’d be careful not to use inexact words (such as the coach’s time playing) when you could be precise. Your chosen quotes are solid, but you don’t need to attribute the quote to the person before and after the quotation. You fully name/give details the first time you introduce them, and then you can use their last name to refer to them.
I like the backstory and context you currently have, but it might be interesting to know more about the history of the team (possible angle?).
You have a good informational article, but I think the storytelling aspect could use some more work. I’m just not sure what the overall narrative is behind the info. This fits into your angle. You have the information, but not the underlying thread tying interest to the facts.
For impact and audience, I’m not sure who it’s written for, or what new information it brings to the table. With some work on “what” and “why”, I’m sure this could be an interesting feature on one of our more popular sports teams on campus.
Kayleigh,
I think your lead establishes the information around the topic at hand. However, your lead is too long, even for a feature story. Move it to your nut graph area. You also need to make it more attention-getting. Your headline is informational, but you could honestly move most of that information to a subheadline.
Your angle is unclear. Are you trying to raise awareness or inform people of the project? You could do both, but I can’t identify a story throughline that says where you’re coming from on the issue. Maybe it could be about the project and people’s lack of awareness/need to engage?
I think the people for interviews are relevant. Interviewing someone who is in the Living Shoreline Project. When you’re using quotes, be careful to capitalize proper nouns, add commas, and format so the quotes are in their own paragraphs.
You give good context to your story with the amount of information about the Living Shoreline project. I’d like more context with your numbered list of reasons why coastal erosion is relevant on the Biddeford campus/Saco River.
You have written a good informational article, but your storytelling needs work. You are invested in this topic, tell it to make others invested. How did it get like this in the first place, and what can be done for the future? Break up some of your big paragraphs, add spaces after periods, and capitalize proper nouns.
I feel like your article would be aimed at people who already know and are interested in the project and would matter to them. You should try to expand its scope, and try to get more people interested in it, as the people already interested would most likely already be contributing. After reading your article, I’m not sure what the impact is.
Feedback for Elia:
For Elias’ piece I think she did a really good job overall as per usual but there are just a few minor things that I would have done differently. In the beginning she describes “the University of New England Student Affairs office sent out the fateful email that would define the Spring semester” and then jumps right into the students’ outrage with the decision but she doesn’t discuss exactly what the email says and what exactly the students are mad about until later not including the headline. I would just establish what the schedule change was earlier before describing how the students felt about it. This isn’t a critique but I thought the use of quotes from students and faculty was really good throughout and really helped with the context of the story. I also think the choice of words was also really good throughout. In particular I really liked this sentence. While it is understandable that administrators and students may not have ample opportunities to discuss such feelings, silence does not necessarily equate to satisfaction. For my next critique, not sure if it is possible because it is kind of opinion based but in the end it just leaves the reader feeling hopeless like this is set in stone and there is nothing students can do about it. Which may be the reality of the situation but maybe you could add in some potential things students could pursue to get their voices heard on this topic. Like creating polls or petitions and sending them directly to Millen and Herbert. In the piece there is a quote that states “In speaking to the level of student dissatisfaction, Millen believes if students were still unhappy, he would have heard about it. Yet he says he has “zero complaints from students.” Under this quote would be a good place to add potential solutions to get student voices/opinions on the topic heard. For me, someone who came into UNE with the schedule change already established, I feel like if I had the opportunity to have my dissatisfaction with the schedule change heard I would definitely participate and a lot of students incoming don’t even know about the change. So if there was some way to get the word out to new and incoming students about the schedule change and potentially changing it back and let the people in charge know what an inconvenience it is to our lives we should pursue those opportunities. Whether it be a poll, petition, or planning a student walk out day on a Friday.
Feedback for Phoebe:
I think Phoebe also did a really good job but just needs a few little things to touch up on. The first thing I noticed about the piece is that the headline doesn’t really draw you in. The first sentence “The Residential Student Life Association (RSLA). Is an organization for on campus residence to voice concerns and ideas about the community.” which I’m assuming is the headline is too informational and should be the Nut graph. There needs to be something about why we are taking a deeper look into the RSLA in the headline, something that will make the readers want to know more. Maybe something like RSLA helps residential students with problems they face in their day to day lives” or “RSLA helps to boost student advocacy after COVID-19”. My next critique is that under the quote “The purpose of this organization shall be to RSLA shall serve as a medium through which residential students may voice their concerns, opinions, and comments on the state of residential life at the university” according to the RSLA constitution dated 2019.” I think that under this quote you can add something about how this service is important in maintaining students’ physical and mental wellbeing, and specific things the RSLA does on a day to day basis to help residential students. You say it’s a “tool” but how, go a little more in depth. When talking about how the organization is rehabilitating itself the information for when and where the organization meets is repeated “and having meetings every other Wednesday at 2pm in Featherman Hall’s classroom.” I feel for economy purposes this information does not need to be repeated. When you state The constitution of the RSLA has been updated to make it more simplified and condensed so it can according to Alex be used better and easier to understand in the summer of 2023. I feel like there is an opportunity to add a little more below it and Maybe add something about what they are doing to update and why it wasn’t easy to understand in the first place. Overall I think this is a very interesting piece that has a lot of potential.
Feedback for Molly:
I think Molly did a really good job on the feature, there are just a few small things I would have done differently. First I want to start by saying that I really like the headline. I also really liked how you give us context of the history of the hockey team at UNE and a little background on Coach swallow. Another thing I really liked was this sentence so not only is their freshman year a time to develop as a player but a time to earn a higher placement on the team that gets you that ice time. The first critique I have is that in these two sentences Here at UNE, Nathan has a position as one of the team’s forward/ wingers. Through a recruitment process that started in Chickering’s final year of juniors.You switch from referring To Nathan Chickering from Nathan To ChIckering. I would just try to keep it consistent and only refer to him as Chickering after introducing him for the first time. My next critique is that the information about how Chickering feels about the school and the coach doesn’t really feel needed and I think you could say something better and more relevant to the story with the 64 words “Following this contact he shared “I came down for an official tour, saw all the facilities and campus and met a couple guys on the team so I could better understand if UNE was somewhere I truly wanted to be” (Nathan Chickering, medical biology, 2026). With this important relationship formed not only were Chickering’s academic intentions satisfied but as well as his athletic intentions.” Maybe you could replace it with a different more relevant quote. Another positive I have to add is that I really liked this quote “No matter where you are coming in as a freshman, you are transitioning from playing against 18–21-year- olds to 21–25-year old’s and for many that can be a big change.” I also really liked this sentence as well. So rather than see this lack of playing time as a negative it had been proven as a strategy to building a stronger and more confident team. I think this sentence does a great job tying the piece together. Overall I think this a really great piece and has a lot of good information.
Elia
This piece thoroughly covers all of its bases with the after-effects of the schedule change and is interesting to read about. The lede appropriately sets the tone from the student’s perspective as they disagreed with the change. Perhaps that resentment is still lingering in the upper-undergraduate population. The students were outraged by this swift change and implementation of the schedule without any prior contact or opinions from the students. You have also found great contacts to interview, with faculty member Dean Millen giving the University’s perspective on the change and rationale, and even previous statements from President Herbert. The angle is definitely from the student’s perspective, clearly stated in the subhead, so those interviews are valuable here. I believe the impact to be quite relevant and beneficial; I love the use of silence not equating to satisfaction as a follow-up to the interview with Dean Millen, a prominent note for the University to consider. Students are clearly pushed into compliance and forced to move on from this abrupt change. My only advice would perhaps incorporate something mentioning how incoming students do not realize this was a change made in the first place. You say that this outrage from students has lost its motivation, but you should mention that the new students are now unaware of what system used to be in place. I myself questioned why Wednesdays were the chosen days to have ‘off’ instead of extending the weekend as many other universities do.
Phoebe
This work is direct in its intended impact, with getting more residential students to join in on the meetings held by the RSLA. Your lead lays out who the RSLA is but waits to explain the what, where, and maybe why a bit later. It may be beneficial to add this to the lead earlier. The interview helps assess the issue of the lack of student engagement in the committee meetings. The RSLA advisor explains why this school organization began and why its number of participants has dropped since COVID-19. The audience is clearly residential students here at UNE, to make them aware of these meetings, as it is not common knowledge around campus. I would like to see how the RA’s perspective gets woven into this piece and maybe even that of a current resident who frequents the RSLA meetings. As mentioned by Alex, the committee gives students voices beyond their RA’s, so integrating a student’s voice into this would round it off quite well. I am also curious about the attendance numbers before and after COVID-19 so the reader can see how much change has occurred here. Overall, the messages and impact are clear, and adding more perspectives and details will benefit this greatly.
Molly
An intriguing piece even for someone who does not frequent hockey games, it does well with shedding light on UNE coaches’ reasoning for their methods during games and the recruiting process. The lead is not all that informative, more just speculative to hook the reader; I would like to see more of the who here. Simply mentioning the coach would satisfy the lead. I appreciate the perspectives of both the coach and the player, as their insights provide the initial confusion from the player to the enlightening of the situation from the coach. It makes more sense why coach Swallow does not give younger students much ice time in their first year or two, as they are transitioning to a higher level of this contact sport. Since I do not watch hockey, I am confused about what juniors are in hockey, so perhaps incorporating a brief definition/description of that would be helpful for readers unfamiliar with the sport. The audience could be a variety of people here, from aspiring UNE hockey players, current hockey players, or fans interested in the sport and methodology of the coaches. The quotes are perfect for this feature, as they accurately articulate the purpose of the story and give perspectives supporting the narrative.
Kayleigh
This piece captures and informs the readers about the environmental aspects of this project very well; I was engaged throughout. I am a bit curious, however, if you can make the impact greater on the consequences of erosion on campus. The benefits of the ecosystems are clear, but perhaps instilling a need for this project could help with demonstrating why this project is so influential. The lead illuminates all aspects of who, what, and where, but it feels as though we are missing the when. Is this project occurring now, and when is it projected to be “finished”?
The people you interviewed were highly insightful; their quotes flow well with your writing and formatting. Getting those professional views about the project gives your piece great credibility. My only thought here would be to hear from a student working on the project, how they are involved, and what exactly they do. The audience could be anyone at UNE or in the surrounding areas concerned about the environmental aspects of the campus, and the angle is evident. Overall, this is a very intriguing topic, and the order in which you lay out your thoughts/ideas works well.
Kayleigh
First off I think that you need a shorter leade. I think that is enriched in great content and I believe that it would be great in the nut graf and in the first paragraph. I think that focusing on a green initiative that UNE is focusing on with students helps promote an interactive feel with a classroom. The Saco river is home to many wildlife and marine plant life and is important to the local community in Biddeford and in surrounding areas. Some things that I wish were included in this were how long it took to get the grant, and how do you convince an organization to give you over 100k? I like what you’re going for in terms of your angle about how this on campus program has been able to get a large sum of finances from another company to help preserve marine life in the Saco river.
Phoebe
In your leade include the location, dates if applicable and instead of using the term “On Campus’ ‘ in the leade establish that you’re talking about the Residence Life on campus at UNE in Biddeford Maine, not just on campus. There should also be a new paragraph when giving a quote. This feature creature needs a title, no one is going to take note of or want to read an article that doesn’t have a captivating title. I think that this is a good story and that it needs to be cleaned up and made to be more digestible. It is a good story and a great idea for a feature. I just think that it needs a little bit of TLC.
Elia
You have a great leade, I can get the feel of the story and the tone of it from just those few sentences. I also like the way that you introduce your quotes, “They don’t all start with “ and then someone said … “ Everything is formatted well. I think that the people you chose to interview were very passionate about the subject of the schedule change and how that affects the students. A quote that stands out to me is “I wish it would be, but I honestly feel like no matter how many people bring it up, there wouldn’t be a change.” from Mamula. I like the way that it ended as well. It summarizes and plays into the story quite well. I too would benefit with the idea of being off on fridays! I hate that they changed that before I got the chance to enjoy it.
Molly
I think that this is a great feature about the Hockey team here! Everything is formatted correctly and this piece is enriched with great content. You do need to make a new paragraph when using a quote. The interviewees were great and they provided more than adequate responses. Some paragraphs should be made more concise and shortened overall. I am also aware that this is hard to do when you have the constraints of a word quota. I think that this is a good way of showcasing college recruiting in sports and how a coach can make an impact on a team.
Kayleigh-
The headline I really like as it captures exactly what the reader will be reading as well as making it interesting to the reader to make them what to read and learn more. The lead is well structured as well. I liked how it was a start to the news story but as well an explanation of what the project is. The only thing I would say is potentially make it two paragraphs of the start and then the explanation however it is still good as is. Going into the rest of the paper, the structure of it is great, giving a full explanation of the project into bigger detail as well as given future predictions. I like how in the ending paragraph you given stats that add credibility to you as a writer as well give credibility to the topic you are talking about and really brings the whole paper together.
Elia-
The headline I really like as it works to understanding the paper as well gives questions that made me curious to read the rest of the paper. I like the question posed as well in the sub-headline, makes me think and want to read the paper even more. The lead is great at getting that understanding of the topic and problem you’re facing as well making me very interested to learn as a freshman who didn’t experience the formal schedule. Throughout the paper I also like how the separation of the paragraphs go into one topic but go together well in the overall topic. One thing I would say to potentially add is to look at a student who was a part of the former schedule to see what their thoughts we be as well as seeing if it’s a positive to the people who didn’t experience the other schedule.
Phoebe-
I like how the lead is however making sure you remember to add a lead would be helpful, potentially adding a mini glimpse into the paper. The explanation of the RSLA that was in the lead to me is perfect because it adds to the credibility of the paper as well presents the idea of taking the concerns of students into the back of the readers head as the read into your story more. The paper starting with the board meeting I also think is good to at again setting those key things in the back of the readers mind that help to have the reader agree with you and find you more credible. I think one thing you might want to do depending on your vision as well as if it works is to separate the paragraphs so there not if they currently are. Overall, I believe this is a strong story and with the facts given makes you look credible.
Molly
In the headline I like how it fully explains the story as well as does a nice pun that make it captivating. I like the direction of the paper, going to the start of players colleges careers was a interesting approach. One thing I might potentially look at is talking to the rookies of the team this season or players who have been are the team to give into how they all think of the recruitment process and the building your name process. I like how you also go into the credibility of the coach as well because that adds what you talk about using his words as well as at the same time adding credibility to your name as well. One thing that could be a very interesting approach is going to the stats of the team and players throughout the years to see how both the addition of new players and the coach adds to the team.
Elia:
Lead: I like how concise and engaging it is! It really sets up the reader to learn more about the schedule change, the decision behind it, and especially the student outcry afterwards.
People Interviewed/Quotes: I think the inclusion of students and relevant faculty voices was a great choice and added much needed context and information, especially since you talked to students who experienced the schedule change. I, personally, would maybe switch around some wording when introducing an interviewee (instead of “Alexis Smith (she/her), Senior Medical Biology major”, maybe “Senior Medical Biology student, Alexis Smith (she/her), …..”). But other than this small change, I think quotes are used very well in your piece! I also love how you used multiple media sources, like the President’s forum.
Context/Backstory: Since this story relied so heavily on backstory, it is especially important, and I think it is used/implemented in a very effective way!
Storytelling Techniques: I think you have a very unique way of presenting the story, and I think it lends itself really well to readers of all background (students who didn’t experience the change, non-students, faculty, etc). I especially love the open-ended conclusion, as it reflects the dissatisfaction students feel very well. One note: instead of “appear to continue” in the last sentence, I think changing it to “continue to appear” would make it flow a bit better.
Impact/Audience: I think this piece could be really beneficial and have a large impact on the present student body, and possibly even faculty, for many reasons (several of which I’ve written above). Especially your statement, “…silence does not necessarily equate to satisfaction,” could be impactful if relevant faculty happen to read the article.
Overall, I think you have a really well fleshed-out piece, and the context and perspectives that you’ve gathered only add more depth! I only noticed some minor issues, which I touched on previously, but otherwise well done!
Phoebe:
Lead: I like that your lead is informative and will help readers understand the topic of the article! I think it would help the flow of your piece to state more about the problem/issue you’ve come across in RSLA and why it matters, which would also help to hook readers in as well.
People Interviewed: I think you have a great start to the interviews with Alex Petro-Stone, as she seems like she would have a lot of needed context and information for you to write about. I would definitely suggest talking to possibly some RA’s or other people involved with RSLA, or even a representative from NACURH?
Quotes: Make sure to be using Petro-Stone’s (or any other source’s) last name when referencing them after the first time they’re mentioned (eg. “‘….work with them to find a solution,” says Petro-Stone).
Context/Backstory: I think you have a good amount of information about RSLA and what they do in your piece. I think adding more about how it’s evolved or changed over the years could be beneficial, maybe even asking someone with that info for an interview?
Storytelling Techniques: I think you can definitely make certain parts of your article more concise, or pared down a bit, just to help the flow and maintain a steady pace. I also think making some of those bigger paragraphs into smaller, more digestible ones would be beneficial, but I do really like the voice that you’re using to tell the story; it’s very personal to the situation and I think adding that perspective makes it really interesting!
Impact/Audience: I think this article could really help students to understand the role of RSLA, especially because I don’t think many students know the extent of what they’re responsible for!
Overall, there is some fine-tuning I think you could do to improve flow and the presentation of information, but I think you have a good start and a good topic!
Molly:
Lead: I really like the lead! It’s informative and straight to the point 🙂
People Interviewed: I think interviewing a coach and player was a very good choice, and it added those perspectives that are vital to this kind of piece. Maybe interviewing some Sports Management or other students majoring in something athletics-related could be beneficial, but I think the quotes you have now are good.
Context/backstory: I think your first paragraph has a great deal of context and backstory worked into it, and that kind of flows into the rest of the article well, especially because you interviewed someone whose been involved in the program for a long time.
Storytelling techniques: I like how you tell the story of the people you’ve interviewed as you go, as I think it “builds credibility”, so to speak, with the audience. I definitely think talking more about the strengthening of the athletes will help you develop your story and relate to your topic better, but great start so far!
Impact/audience: I think this story could be really interesting for the students involved or interested in athletics, as it’s a big topic that may not have been properly touched on before!
Overall, I think the piece could do with a bit more developing and relating to the topic at hand, but I think you have a really great start and a lot of good context and information already included!
Kayleigh:
Lead: I really like how much information you’ve put into your lead! I think maybe making it a little more concise could help with the flow, but I think it has a lot of info that definitely is important to the article!
People Interviewed/Quotes: I love how many people you’ve interviewed, and I think this gives you a really great pool of info and perspectives that you can take from to build your article!! There are just some grammatical errors in and surrounding your quotes, which should be fixed before the final product, but I think you already have a wealth of really good information that’ll make your piece stand out.
Context/backstory: It’s obvious that you’ve really done your research, and there’s a lot of important context and information already in the article, regarding UNE’s coastal health and ecosystem. Have you considered maybe mentioning the recent flooding, and what projects are going on to combat the effects of that? I think that could be cool to add on, especially because it was so recent.
Impact/audience: I think this article will be super interesting to read, especially for students involved and interested in the local ecosystems and UNE’s carbon footprint, and I think the way you’re setting up your article will really lend itself well to these students.
Overall, I think, by fixing a few grammatical mistakes and just making some portions more concise, this article will be super informative and important for students of UNE to read and understand!
Kayleigh’s –
Right off the bat, I feel like her headline does a good job of capturing the sum of this piece. I am given the location, who the story’s about, and a little bit of background information. The set up of the article makes sense but it’s lengthy. A break in the first paragraph could help spread out the words and also keep the attention of viewers. In the second paragraph, I liked that viewers are getting statistics from credible sources directly from the school. It explains a very real threat to the enviorment and lets veiwers know how it will effect them. Leaning the science behind this article is important but for the average person, all this information could be overwhelming. I think finding more spaces to break up the whole article would make it easier to digest. Overall, there’s a couple of grammatical things like missing comas, sentence structure, and adding spaces but it’s a great piece that more people should be aware of.
Elia –
The first three paragraph are really impressive and eye cathcing, as a student this is definitely something I want to know about. It clearly explains what the schedule was about before the change which sets up good context. The article goes on the share both sides to this change. The academic side provides a reason and goal to build the extracurricular of the students on the weekends which is a valid reason. Viewers then get a student perspective that very real. Some students needed Friday off to help with their family or finally have a break from their grueling schedules. The statement, “Silence does not necessarily equate satisfaction” really stood out to me. The article wraps up with a possible end to the challenging schedule but as quotes proves, the administration stands on their change and students still hope. I think the end really captures exactly how the students are feeling, hopefully but ultimately know theres nothing to do.
Molly –
I feel like readers just jump into the beginning of the article, yes there is context information like location but it feels incomplete. It then jumps right into introducing the coach and his statements which is great because he’s giving readers the run down of what it takes to make recruitment. In the bulk of the article theres a few small things like capitalization and grammar but otherwise good. It does a good job of clearly explaining the school’s hockey recruitment and practice/training process by shaping the coaches explanation and an actual players experiences. For example, the article points out many of these new players are transitioning to playing with older guys which can definitely be a change. The article wraps up by pointing out the teams success and hope that they will win again. The article is good at coming full circle but I feel like there could be more attraction.
Phoebe –
In the beginning of this article I feel like we just jump into it. Yes it explains the focus of the piece and organization but theres no clarification of what school this is at. Later on, I get clarification of when the group meets but I feel liek the structure is off, rearranging the context and having breaks in the sentences will make for an easier and less random read. I feel like the quote of the purpose of the organization comes late too but it’s good that student readers know there’s a place to voice their concerns. I also like that the article covers Covid times because it gives us a look at the past and how it’s effect the community now. This article points out something that I wasn’t aware of. I think a lot of students need to read this because it actually might be a way for them to do something about their problems rather than just complain. It’s very informative but I think it needs a little spark to keep the attention of readers.
Kayleigh,
I think your headline is good and definitely lets the reader know what exactly they are reading about. However, I think the lede could be shortened a tad, but it is effective. I do like how you were able to explain multiple different aspects of the project and give background information to someone who may be unfamiliar. Grammatically speaking there’s some small spacing issues but that can be fixed relatively easily so I wouldn’t stress too much about them right now. I think your quotes are very strong and do a good job at going more in depth into the topic and I think they are used effectively. So far, I think it’s pretty good you did a good job at being clear and concise through your article and made it easy to follow along with.
Elia,
I think you did a great job with your headline and lede I think it immediately grabs the reader’s attention and the background info that you gave to start it off was great. I think you did a great job in terms of storytelling and really showing the emotion and feelings of those who were affected by the schedule change. I think that the people you interviewed make the writing even stronger because it allows the reader to get the side of the schedule change and see how it could be viewed by positives and negatives. I think the writing overall is very good and honestly saw very little that could even be wrong with it. I think that the ending is also very strong because it leaves you with a certain feeling as the reader of like a gut wrench for the students who had to deal with the change and how they were affected.
Phoebe,
I found that the quotes and storytelling aspect of the piece were very strong, however I did struggle to find a clear angle that you were taking on RSLA. The first thing that I had initially realized was that the headline doesn’t really draw you in and along with that I felt like the first sentence which maybe was the headline could have actually been the nut graph in this example. I did like the explanation of what RSLA was in the paper because it adds that background information that we may have been missing. I do think that the idea however of the story is good and could definitely be better with some of these tweaks to it.
Molly,
First things first I like the headline and the wordplay on hockey. I know some might think that it’s” cheesy” or something like that but me personally I like it, I think it’s a good way to draw the reader in. I think the start is good and does a great job at establishing what the reading is about to be about. I liked your quotes and the background info on the coaches and players. I think structurally it helps the writing flow and helps the reader understand more about the team in general. I think the quotes help a lot because they answer some the thing you discussed so I feel like they helped the flow.
Kayleigh:
Headline is good but could be shortened. Using delving did you mean Diving? I like how you mentioned Saco Watershed Collaborative. But the one thing I would do is separate the lead at where you say “their mission.” I like your quotes you used in the second paragraph. I think it is really good as well that you added in the two year grant that UNE received. I think that adds more context and makes it stronger. I do also like how you mention what the students are doing at the end but I would maybe talk about it sooner rather than later stuffed into the paragraph.
Molly:
The sub headline is very strong and gives good extra detail into what your article is about. You give great detail about the head coach and you got great quotes from him as well as the player Nate. The one main thing I would suggest is just using last name instead of say coach swallow just say swallow. Even when you used it as (N.Chickering) it could be shortened to just Chickering. Overall I think you have a great story and that it is set up very solid and has great potential.
Elia:
Your lead is very strong and makes the reader want to continue reading. I like how you introduced Dean Millen in his own paragraph then went into quotes with him. Where you use Alexis smith’s quotes it says her family I would change it to my family since it is a quote and can be in the first person. I like how you added negative effects from students. I think that really brings out how students feel about it. Where it says where I asked Mamula I would change that to third person. I like how you ended it, it really shows how the students feel.
Phoebe:
At first the article is tough to understand but with phoebe explaining out what it is really made the article makes sense for me. I think the quotes are very well put and make the article strong and very beneficial to a reader learning about RSLA.
Kayleigh’s Journal
Perhaps more nuance in the title? It’s descriptive but sounds a little dull.
Needs more paragraph spacing.
I don’t think you need to put “Biddeford ME” at the beginning of your article in parentheses
Check for some grammatical errors
I think “Reckoning” is supposed to be either underlined or in quotation marks
Should we be speaking in the 1st person? This isn’t a critique, I genuinely don’t know
This is a good article overall, it just needs to have someone read it over to check for grammatical errors, as well as be broken up a lot more than it already is. It feels like big blocks of text that are an eyesore to have to read if I was a prospective reader. The topic itself is very interesting and well written.
Elia’s Journal
Like the title and the subtitle
This is honestly a solid article. I like it a lot.
I like the fact that it addresses both sides of the reception of the act. You hear it from the Dean, and you also hear about it from two students. It’s an interesting and informative take.
Molly’s Journal
Great title
…do we need “Biddeford ME” in the title..? Now I’m doubting myself
This feels a little like a profile piece?
This article feels very well written and I like it a lot, but I’m not sure if this is a feature piece? That might be nitpicky though.
This does a great job at informing the reader how a prospective hockey player at UNE gets more time on the ice. I think the intro could’ve been worked better to allow for a more informative synopsis on what the article is about, but everything else works great.
Phoebe’s Journal
Needs a title
I do feel like it needs to be broken up a lot more than it is.
The quotes feel a little crammed in, like they don’t belong, and I think some of them need to be checked for grammar mistakes.
Lots of grammar mistakes
Instagram needs to be capitalized
Do we have to have an acronym for EVERYTHING
The article feels a bit dry.
Elia: “Where Are We Now: Updates on the Turbulent Schedule Change of 2022”
To start this off I really liked your sub-headline, i feel like it clearly states what the article is and gives a great feel for how this article leans. All and all this is an extremely solid article with good quotes, nice flow and pace, as well as feel. There is very little I would personally change, and honestly I don’t feel qualified to peer review your work. This is a very good story, that I myself am interested in as someone who started coming to UNE before the schedule shift, so it is interesting to see where opinions have ended up on this issue, that was once so prevalent on campus, i was having discussions about this in every class that semester, and it was a strange and wonderful time to see campus so untied on a single topic and issue at the time. Great story.
Phoebe: “RSLA”
I really liked your story overall, but I feel like it could use some direction, especially in your lead, which is currently only an explanation of what RSLA is, there isn’t really any angle or spin on the story presented there. Is there an Issue with RSLA that the campus is dealing with right now? Is there something that RSLA is doing right now that’s like a big event on campus? Obviously your story doesn’t need this, and goes into more about what you want to talk about deeper into the article. It’s just with the headline just being “RSLA” and the leed being a straight explanation of the group with nothing further, as a reader I was unsure what the article was going to be about exactly other than obviously being about RSLA, I’d think about reworking the headline and expanding upon your main point there, and maybe moving some of your main points into the lead if only to seed the ideas for later on in the article.
Kayleigh: “The Living shoreline project is giving students opportunities to take positive action in the face of climate change.”
This is a very solid article, although it does read a little bit like a scientific paper to me, I think the bug and most obvious thing is to work on spacing and format for this article, break everything up more these walls of texts are not going to keep readers engaged and entertained no matter how cool are interesting your subject matter is, which I happen to think is pretty cool. Also playing around with the wording and try to make it less academic. Those two things together will definitely make this a stand out article about an amazing topic.
Molly: “An Icy Start To the Rookie Season”
This is a really solid story, and I feel like the only place you really struggle is in some paragraph spacing and some things, there were like two or so paragraphs that felt a bit longer than what they really needed to be for the format we are trying to achieve. Overall this was a very solid article though, with a really catchy headline that caught my attention immediately and made me want to read more.