Dear Sarah Bo.,
Looking first at your headline, I really like how you set up this interesting thought-provoking “below the surface” and then head into the specifics and it makes me interested to see the connection between nature and creative nonfiction. I also like how your anecdotal lede has us positioned as onlookers as we begin to identify who Ryan Brod is. Moving into the informative section of this profile, I wonder if it might help to have Brod be able to say some of his background through the quotes so that you could have the opportunity to have those direct quotes earlier in the piece. For instance, there could be an excellent place for that in the 4th and 5th paragraph – maybe instead of you telling us how unsatisfied he was without a creative outlet, which is a super interesting and, I think, essential context to the profile if he were to express in his own words that frustration it might be nice. You do a wonderful job of bringing in some of his personal experiences and influences that are really moving, and the quotes in this section are so great. One suggestion I might have for the end is there are some really profound quotes on life and creative expression, and one thing you could play around with is seeing if that might be a way to close out the piece rather than the more business side of his publication process which could do some work somewhere else in the profile. I really enjoyed reading this!
Dear Sarah Be.,
I like how your headline and subheadline are working well together to expand on what this profile will cover, but one small suggestion I have is how I got caught up a bit in the wording of the headline, and maybe adding “A Young Professor’s Rise to Teaching” could help. The lede is super informative, I know exactly who the profile is about and what they do at UNE. That said, you could add a little more creative setup since you already have all the needed facts. I like how soon you added a direct quote from Quinlan, and we hear her tone and experience to start off. I really like the student quote you incorporated, and it does a good job of bringing the profile of her background to her classroom experiences. From the headline, I feel the focus or the so-what of the profile is how Prof. Quinlan has navigated being a young professor and getting that respect from students and UNE. You have some great quotes from her on the tensions of wanting to be liked by her students but still feeling that need for separation as the professor and expert, and I wonder if a student quote might have more impact if it came after you express Quinlan’s concern and it could be a nice response to it. I also like how you give her the last word in the profile, and maybe if you wanted to add more of a concluding framework that ties us back into the focus of her overcoming inexperience, that could be even more of an ending point.
Dear Zak,
I like your headline and how clear the focus of the profile is. I knew a bit of the “so-what” question right from the beginning, and in addition to Ledbetter’s teammates, there is another layer that goes above and beyond. Moving into the background information and some context, I think there are a lot of helpful facts, such as who exactly you’re talking about, what they do, where, etc. It was also nice to hear directly from Ledbetter about his past experiences, which set us up to move to the present day. There are a couple of spots where the wording was a bit choppy, and reading those out loud as you continue to draft and edit might be helpful – I’m thinking of the 5th paragraph where it says, “However, during his recruitment it became more clear to him that he would have the chance to not only stay close to home but to be able to play football and continue his academic career as well at a high level.” I wonder if something like “However, during his recruitment, it became clear to him that not only would have the chance to be close to home and play football but also advance his academic career at a higher level” might be clearer. I know that this is a working draft, and I think those quotes that reference the other side of the profile’s focus of his residential advisor position and presidential ambassador will be really helpful!
Kristen:
I really liked this profile. I think it had two really good topics to bounce back and forth between that of his teaching and that side of LaBonte and then the more hobby/interests side of him to make him more relatable to the readers. I think the structure of the profile is good as well there is a good flow to the story in addition to this I really liked the transition from the quotes from LaBonte to the interviews with his students I think those were a really smart move on a side note I have yet to conduct my student interviews so this was a good reference to help me prepare for that step for my final draft. One critique I would say is the addition of his college experience and the marijuana usage I’m not sure if that third element would flow well. With this being said it is just a suggestion however to make it flow into the story I might recommend tying it into when you talk about his college experience with the narrative that it played a role into where he is today perhaps.
Nick:
While I really enjoyed the story from a reader perspective I have few suggestions. In the lead I would mention something about the transition from football to rugby to then set up essentially how your story is going to flow. Going off of that I really liked the way you transitioned from her history to where she is now with that transition of sports being the basis that is followed. Another suggestion is just being mindful of grammar and where you go back and forth from using her and her name, maybe flip flopping some of those. The main critique I have is with the moment you share her losing her step-father I think this area could use a little bit more emotion for example you state that it severely affected her, in this same paragraph to maybe explain why this affected her so strongly, maybe combining this paragraph with the one before it just to tie those ideas together, that they were close and losing him was a hard point for her.
Finn:
I found this piece to be very interesting, I think you chose a good focus on an interesting background that leads into the career path he has now. This profile is packed with all the little details which it has the room for however a few critiques I have are to do with the lead, it seems very cut and dry and I think it could be more inviting. However in the first paragraph there are so many details that are really setting the scene for this interview. I think you did a really good job with structuring this profile piece especially with the amount of quotes you used which I think we’re all really well included and part of telling his story. Something to expand upon interviewing one of his students or including some background information on how you found out about his background?
Tony,
I enjoyed reading this. The storytelling was fantastic, I think how you write is you start off with a nut graph and then build on that with quotes. It was very insightful, because it was suspenseful as well. I wanted to keep reading it because I was like when the party bit was mentioned. There is definitely needed little errors that need work like capitalization and extra spaces, and maybe a conclusion that ties in a bit more, I think the interview at the end from Evan is a great idea but maybe put it in the beginning so it helps introduce Viall more as how other people see him and then what he personally talks about when and works with the team through his own words and actions which you have presented so well. This will give him an entrance after putting another look at him from the lens of his team that he works to coach, as the angle goes into how he runs the team and coaches.
Kayleigh,
I really liked in the fourth paragraph, how you ended it on a quote to help put the perceptive you were trying to bring in as the angle, it really helped. Show the Point Dr. Faraday was trying to make about living at sea. Overall I saw minor but needed capitalization on different elements in the profile. Like “Professor of Marine Affairs” should maybe capitalized because it’s a title, and if Faraday is a doctor or not (I’m not sure I’ve heard people call her that) that should be in her name when you introduce her. But I really liked this profile. It was a good read for me, had good storytelling and actually had a lot of information in it. That was tied in and I think that is a very good strength to have. As for the conclusion, I think you already used the second quote or one like it in the profile, unless you want to change a bit more, then maybe move it. But the first option I think will help tie down the angle and message of your profile because you could bring it in as a way to help show how beneficial a semester at sea is that helped a professor when they weren’t really doing much and trying to see what was next for her.
Dear Nick,
I think the core focus of this article is really wonderful, and, as a friend of Hannah, I think this captures her spirit and love for her sports really well. I think you’ve also done a good job at generally structuring the piece, as well as gathering sources that can accurately portray the aspects of her sportsmanship that you want to present.
I would make sure to read through it out loud, as there are some pretty significant grammatical and word-order issues, and I would also make sure that you’re being consistent in how you’re spelling “Ramalho”, as it changes throughout the current piece. I also think there are a few instances of you “stepping in front of the camera” a bit, specifically when you’re adding context to a quote ( like, “said Ramalho about her early moments playing on the team,” I think you have enough context before this sentence, so the parts after “said Ramalho” aren’t necessary.)
Other than those things, I think this is a great topic and, maybe I’m biased, but I really think you have a really strong story here.
Dear Molly,
I really like how much information you’ve gathered about your subject so far, and it’s clear that you asked the “right” questions, since the quotes you have are awesome. I also see that you have some ideas for getting student quotes as well, which is a fantastic idea, and I think will help you round out the whole piece.
As for things to work on, I would say adding some context to his presence kind of “on-campus”, or what makes him someone you wanted to focus on (which are things that, I found, can be easier to formulate by getting student opinion, so doing that will definitely help you in more ways than one). Also, your paragraphs might be just a bit too long, so maybe splitting them up by quote could fix that.
Overall, I think you have a great focus, a lot of great information, and it looks like you have plans to make the piece even better!
Dear Finn,
I think you’ve found a really strong and compelling story, and it looks like you’ve gathered a lot of great information already.
I’m a bit conflicted with the anecdotal office description portion, as I really enjoy it, but it seems a bit out of place, and maybe a bit list-y in the first paragraph. BUT, I like how it connects back at the end, so I think as long as you refine it and make it flow a bit better, it can be a great addition. I also think that maybe getting a colleague/student opinion could help add some needed perspective, maybe pertaining to Dr. Gordon’s teaching style and how his past may have shaped this part of his current endeavors. Also, one small thing, I would go through and re-evaluate some of the punctuation and capitalization choices that were made, but other than that I think you have a really strong story, a lot of potential for other perspectives, and I think the anecdotal aspect will make his piece really shine.
Molly,
In terms of your lead, I think it could be a bit more cinematic/dramatic. Your nut graph is informative/starts at the beginning, giving a solid background on Professor Roche. The only thing I’d suggest is just making sure you’re sticking to definite facts in the second paragraph; people might not understand what mediations are.
I think you certainly have an angle here; I’d just like to see a bit more emphasis on one primary theme/throughline in your article. I know it’s still a draft, so just something to keep in mind when you continue.
I think the people interviewed are good, but as you say in the document it might be nice to have a student/coworker perspective on what makes Prof. Roche so good/impactful/different, just to corroborate your claims.
I think your use of quotes is competent. The one thing I’d like to see is just making sure you give quotes space of their own and be careful not to retread ground the quotes could have covered for you. Additionally, remember that you are allowed to remove some of the filler words (uh, um, you know) in quotes just to make it a little cleaner and make the person look better.
I think you do an alright job with the backstory. I would like to know what Roche teaches currently (in like what classes specifically), as well as possibly breaking up some of the nut graph info to make it more story-like, trying to keep each paragraph its own unit.
I think storytelling could use some work. It’s informational but doesn’t really have a theme or throughline that connects it to a greater narrative. Thinking about the main points or themes is a good idea.
This article needs more theming/storytelling to make it have more impact. What about him is newsworthy?
Kristen ,
First off, I think your lead is well done, and gives a not too dry intro to Prof. LaBonte. The nut graph could use some more detail, in terms of what exactly brought him to UNE. Was he doing research? Why did someone not looking to be a professor end up at UNE?
In terms of your angle, I’m not exactly sure where you’re coming from. Obviously he seems like an interesting guy, but I’m not exactly sure what the overarching theme is of your article, nor what specifically makes the fly fishing portion connect to his work.
I like your inclusion of another student’s perspective. I think having a coworker’s perspective on what makes him unique/interesting could add a lot to your article.
I think you proficiently use quotations. One thing I think you should try to do is give the quotations some space of their own, being careful to not re-explain or state things that already are in the quotations. You can present them without needing as much lead-in or explanation, let them speak for themselves.
There could be more context to certain areas of your article. I think a bit more information about his involvement in the fishing/conservation side of things would be interesting. I’d also like to know more about how he ended up working as a professor when his goal wasn’t that from the start.
As I said earlier, I think your article needs to have an overarching theme/themes to link the ideas together. I think you have the parts of the story that will make an interesting profile, but it would be great to have some sort of connecting thread between everything (maybe about circumstance/falling into things?)
I think there’s certainly an audience for this piece, but it’s impact needs to be examined. Giving more information about how he ended up doing what he does would go far in increasing the impact.
Nick,
I think your lead and nut graph could use some work. Specifically, I’m not sure the quote is needed in the first paragraph. I think formatting it more dramatically could make it a bit more interesting, possibly starting with a statement of challenges she faced specifically in her life. In the nut graph, I’d like to know more about her childhood interesting in football. You give some explanation, but I think it could be expanded to give a better idea.
our piece certainly has an angle, but it’s a little unfocused. Maybe try to make it about her overcoming challenges and perseverance.
I like that you have quotes from her coaches. I think you could maybe interview a teammate from the rugby team, just to add some more information.
Your use of quotes could be refined. Having a quote about how the loss of her stepfather impacted her would make it more impactful. You should additionally try to make the quotes stand by themselves, without re-explaining or paraphrasing people’s words. Let the quotes speak for themselves. Having a quotation at the end is good, but if she said the things that aren’t in quotes, you should try to insert the entire quotation and not have as much of your opinion/writing in it.
You do an alright job of giving context, but it would be nice to have a bit more of her story, possibly about the impacts of losing her stepfather, her not playing that senior night (why not?), and about the roadblocks she faced coming to UNE.
Your article has elements to make an interesting/inspiring story, but you should try to connect it back to an overarching theme in the entire article. Talk about her overcoming challenges and being a hard worker, her dedication, or her drive.
I think there’s an audience for the piece, as well as an impact, but as I said in the last paragraph, connecting it to a theme overall would strengthen that impact further. I even believe that you already have elements of a theme in your conclusion, but you should think about putting some of those ideas into your intro.
Dear Zak,
Overall, great draft. I would shorten the headline and/or break it up into a head and subhead, as it is a mouthful right now. Also, in the beginning, you introduce Will immediately and include everything there, which is great, but with soft news like this, I think you can take your time. I recommend taking a breath with this and relaxing the pace a little. To be nitpicky, check your punctuation throughout – it is a little off sometimes. Otherwise, your paragraphs were nice and short – digestible for the reader. Your quotes allow Ledbetter to speak for himself, informing the reader about his experience here. One thing to note is the paragraph after your first quote, which is pretty wordy and full of filler words – I would take a look back at this during revision. Since you are talking about college sports, it is a good idea to state what division the school plays in, should there be readers from outside the school or generally not know. My only other note was on how you write numbers because later in your profile, numbers below ten should be written out, but the ratios showing who won should remain as digits. Again, good draft. I enjoyed reading it even though I am not a fan of football – it’s great to hear from the coaches and how they put trust in Ledbetter.
Dear Sarah,
I had never heard of Quinlan, but her classes sound interesting. As for your title, professing sounds like someone professing their love for someone instead of teaching as a professor, so I would rework that. I also want to point out how you introduce the quotes academically; I think it works, but would be better if Quinlan said this herself or there was some other transition that could be added, or removed entirely and just letting Quinlan do the talking. Along with that, I am curious where the friendly community motivating the professor’s bit came from – is it Quinlan? Either way, you should attribute that to whoever said it, because I think that would be a great quote. Though I have to say you have great quotes, you did a good job hitting the obstacles that come with being a young and new teacher. Okay, also nitpicky here, but when you state her “achievements” as instilling curiosity in students, I think you could say that it is something she strives for, or that she aspires to do so, as the wording now is a little odd, especially if it’s coming from a Quinlan. I appreciate the incorporation of a student in her class, who genuinely seems to enjoy it. There was a comment on her age on page two, which should have an attribute since I can almost see you writing it there when saying she’s doing a good job – same with saying that soc is something more students should be curious about towards the end. I also like how Quinlan gets the last word here, pretty good way to conclude, and overall I enjoyed reading this.
Dear Elia,
Already, I love that you included a picture of Dr. Ahmida; it also reminded me that I have a picture for my profile, so thanks. Normally, I would be against inserting yourself in this type of work, but it’s nice how you slowly introduced Dr. Ahmida by using your own voice. Great use of quotes, it’s clear that your interviews prompted these fitting responses, and they are not overwhelming. This also reflects your relationship with him – being his mentee – but that he is comfortable conversing with you about sometimes challenging subjects. Your paragraphs are short and are working to build the profile without unnecessary information. I think mentioning the work done in three different languages exhibits how impressive this accomplishment is and was a great choice to include. You also highlight his obstacles, which furthers him in the reader’s mind as a humble man in the UNE community. The way you weave Caprio and Ahmida is nice, showing that they support each other’s viewpoint of Ahmida and his work. In terms of format, I appreciate that you place his quote where he discusses where he has been honored and other achievements after you set him up as impressive; if you had put this earlier, it may have taken away from his humanization, good choice. Also, presenting him with the last word is a nice touch. My only question that came out of this was, what kind of research you and Caprio are helping him with? I understand if this doesn’t fit the profile’s narrative, but it might be interesting to hear his plans for that too. While I like your title, I am wondering if it is the most precise you could be with it. Maybe cluing readers into the topic of his research or implying the creation of a book from his research? Either way, I like the 30-year part since it makes his dedication to his research shine.
Journal 19
Caitlin
I really liked how good your storytelling was in this profile. It’s a good overview of information that you have started out in and then expand into current matters like with funding, and a love for the environment. There is one part where it looks like you’re going into another sentence and then drop off it and it goes to a new paragraph. I think that this captures what professor is trying to say but I think it needs some more quotes from what for example what her struggles were in getting pushback. I think that your angle is a professor finding and working in the field they want and what happens in forms of pushback and events that help and how it affects the community. This was very interesting to read, it had a good flow throughout it, I just think that a few more quotes are needed to make it stronger!
I liked this article a lot, and I thought it was very well written. I would double check your byline, as it says that your article is written by someone with a different name. You give a good amount of background information as to what the lab is about, but I would focus more on your subject’s background. This article seems quite focused on the lab, but I would try to bring that focus back onto your subject.
The section about lab work in general can probably be taken out, and possibly replaced with Grace’s experience in finding her lab work. You could explain the accessibility of lab work at UNE through Grace, and have their journey to finding their lab kinda be a conduit for this explanation.
Overall, I didn’t notice errors in terms of grammar. The writing style is very well done, and the information flows from one paragraph to the next super well. I think to make this article the best it can be, finding your focus will be key. This is a great article.
Dear Evan,
Overall, I really liked this article. It gives the reader a very good idea of who Dr. Cripps is, and shows his personality very well. I think a good readover would give this story exactly what it needs, as some of the writing is pretty choppy, and there are a few glaring grammatical errors. I also think that your introduction paragraph for Dr. Cripps should be moved up, as you begin to refer to him just as Cripps before you explain who he is.
I liked the quotes that you used, and I liked that you got the point of view of people who have worked with Cripps, but also people who have had him as a professor. This gives a very well rounded view not only of Cripps as a person, but as a professor. The main work that still needs to be done in this article is in the grammar and overall flow of the writing. Your information is awesome, but some of it may benefit from being reorganized or edited a bit.
Dear Sarah –
I like how the headline alludes to your profile’s work mentioned later on however, I found myself going back and rereading it after finishing the article and it made more sense. The lede is really strong in setting the scene and hobbies of your interviewee, it gives a great mental image. I would check the grammar in the beginning paragraphs like the second one where it says no one could never assume? I like how you portray Brod, as a reader I get a good sense that he’s connected with wildlife. I feel like I get a full picture of his background and past works to how he went about writing his book. If there is any way to work in a quote earlier in the passages, it might help readers get his perspective earlier on. The quotes you use later on are powerful and do stand out. I think getting an outside perspective from one of his other students could be really helpful to give another perspective to Brod. It’s a good piece that gives a general overview of Brod.
Dear Zak –
First off don’t forget to put your name on the article. I think the headline is a little long, if you take out some of the filler words it might simplify it. My overall impression is to add some character to the article, it doesn’t have to be so straightforward. Not everybody knows about football so there should still be an aspect outside readers can find appeal in. I like how Ledbetter’s background is very clear and we get an idea of him early. I think you could try to incorporate a storytelling aspect so it’s not just a report on someone who plays football. This isn’t hard news so you don’t need to be so direct with information. Adding dimension to your paragraphs could also make it easier to read. I feel like it’s a lot of shorter paragraphs and having some difference might make it more appealing. Also, trying to get an outside perspective for quotes like his advisor position is a great start, You could also look to get a brief statement from his teammate or a coach. You did a good job of keeping the focus on your profile and not getting in the way.
Dear Elia –
This title sums up exactly what I’m going to be reading and who it’s going to be about. I like how you set the scene for his office and provided context and character for the type of person Dr. Ahmida is. I found myself a little confused when waiting for the explanation of his research, you might be able to add the research assistance quote later on to keep the order together. I love how there are so many quotes I really get a feeling for who the profile is and his importance in his community. This is certainly a heavy topic to discuss but I feel like there’s plenty of context provided by the doctor and through your writing. It’s nice to see a bit of the author’s relationship and the assistance relationship. This might just be me, but I felt at some point it was very back and forth with the quotes in a little bit for description. Overall I think it wraps up on a great note that highlights his research and his recovery. It’s a difficult topic to protray but you did a good job of presenting it.
Dear Kayleigh,
I like your overall approach of highlighting the difference in the semester at sea and what your interviewee has had a much different experience and I like that she noted that it’s based on what the student wants to learn. As someone who is still trying to get over the hump of required college courses I envy Susan. I like how you introduce this piece as well, you have the right tone in your writing that exemplifies the difference in a semester at sea as opposed to taking courses as per usual. Also I think that you are extremely well researched and I think that shows in your profile a lot. Just make sure to make it as concise as possible.
Dear Caitlin,
I think that there could be another interview to add here, something from a colleague or a classmate? There should be someone who can speak on her behalf on how she has helped the department and or the environment in Maine. This also needs a title. Additionally there should be some storytelling involved, your lead should draw the reader in and you nut graf is what does the explaining. Your lead should become your nut graph and I would rework another paragraph into a new lead or start one from scratch. Other than that I think you have the foundation for a great profile.
Dear Phoebe,
I really like everything that you have but it feels very academic at some points. Additionally, I would space out the quotes and work on separating your paragraphs and make it more concise. However this coming into success story is great. I like how you go into detail of her in grad school and having her talk about her struggles. I think that this is great it just needs some cleaning up.
Dear Finn,
I love the headline of the profile; it captures what the profile will be about. I like the structure of the profile. The first thing I would look to add is some other quotes from different people. I think potentially getting a student in a class of his or someone who’s close to him will add a lot to understanding who he is and potentially goes even deeper into his story. I would also talk more about his current class and add some details about it. Talking about the class in more detail adds to how his career path changed but he is still using the lessons learned from before to better his current position. I feel something that could be a interesting idea if you want to add it is explore how he thought everything would go to now more. With that maybe looking into more of the why’s of the change in career paths. I overall like your piece and my only things I would change is to potentially refine your story to fit exactly want you are trying to get.
Dear Moly,
The first thing I would look to do is spilt up the paragraphs more, pinpoint on one idea and once that idea was in the light then go onto the next. I would look to keep the information you have just spilt it up so it’s not one big paragraph. I like your headline and I believe it captures the story that will be told in the profile. I would look to change it into a story and not a telling of the interview conducted. In some of the sentences try to change it to talk about the story he told not saying he said this. I feel like an interesting part to add could be paragraph talking about some of his experiences in law and maybe he states something, or you find a nice detail that adds a cool transition into his teacher career. I would also look to add some other quotes from either is students, coworkers, or anyone he worked with in law to add some more detail to who he is and his story. Overall, great story and there’s great detail that adds a lot to the profile.
Dear Kristen,
First thing I noticed was the great headline to the profile. It adds a lot of captivity to the profile and interest to wanting to know what its about. The lead too captures exactly what your story will be as well as keeping that interest you set up in the headline. I love the start of it as well, stating he had no thought to be in the career he is in. The students’ thoughts about him added a lot of capture exactly who he is. Incorporating his business also added a great touch to show who he sis outside of the classroom. I would potentially like to see some quotes from people who know him in his business to add even more to that fact of who he is both inside and outside the classroom. I see some of your notes at the bottom as well and just want to make sure you remember that potentially you might need to chop some of the information down to meet the word count. Overall, great profile and I think it truly captures who he is.
Dear Sarah Bedore,
I like the flow of your article and I think you did a good job at establishing the character early on by giving us a brief rundown of her and her story. I think there are some sections you can definitely break up and I think they would benefit from that because they would be easier for the reader to digest. I liked how you didn’t explain the quotes before or after, you kind of just hung them there and I think that was effective with the context that you had already given. I think adding insight on her age and how young she is really helps the reader connect more throughout, but it also does a great job at highlighting her and her professionalism even though she may be close to students in age. It did seem unfinished in certain spots, and I don’t know if that was intentional so I won’t say too much, as a whole I like the direction that this is going in and I think since it’s a draft if you keep working and make small tweaks here and there it will come out very good. I think one smaller piece that may help would be maybe adding a quote from a student who has her on her age and see what they may think about it.
Dear Sarah Bo,
I really liked your headline. I think it does a good job right away and it made me wonder about the connection that you mention in the sub headline between nature and the creative nonfiction that he writes. I also really liked your use of the anecdotal lede I felt like it gave us insight on who Ryan is without knowing Ryan yet and so I think that was well done. I think you do a great job at providing information on who Ryan is, I think that a quote there may help though just to let the reader be introduced to him as a voice in the story sooner rather than later. You do a really good job at providing a lot of background information about his beginnings, about where and how he got where he is now. I think a quote would be perfect in the section where you talk about his time before UNE. I may have missed it, but I think a quote from a student of his would help just to be able to bridge the gap between him being a professor and then him being a writer just because you mentioned him as the professor, but we never get any sort of information from a student or anything. As a whole though I think it’s a strong piece and will only continue to get better.
Dear Elia,
I like how in a sense you are already a step ahead with having the picture of Dr. Ahmida. It was like a reminder to me that at some point I need to add a picture. I liked how your headline and sub head were straightforward. There was no confusion for me who I’m reading about and I know exactly what I’m about to read as the reader. Truthfully, I really liked how you put yourself into the camera for a brief moment while you’re introducing him because you didn’t stay in front of it so I think that worked for me when reading there was no confusion on my end. Your use of quotes is great, I linked how you let your quotes speak throughout the profile and didn’t step in front of those by restating them either before or after the quote was said. It’s also clear throughout the connection that you and Dr. Ahmida have throughout the article and I think for the reader it’s easier to read because there is no gray area on things. You get a lot of great details in the quotes to help with that. Your paragraphs are short and easy to read which helps the reader stay connected. I think this is a very good profile and I enjoyed reading it, it made me feel like I personally now know Dr. Ahmida just through this reading.
Dear Kayleigh,
I really love the information in your profile. There are a few minor grammatical errors and a couple of sentences that are a little bit choppy but these are small mistakes. There are a few parts that I think could be cut down for concision purposes and to make room for more conclusion, like the paragraph about her experiences with whales and dolphins could be made a couple of sentences shorter. I love the first quote that you have for your conclusion and I think that hearing about her working on boats for four years afterwards would be a very relevant piece of info to include. This was super interesting!
Dear Tony,
The biggest thing for me is that I’d love to hear more from Evan or from other players about how Coach Viall individualizes his coaching and helps them become better players. I think the quote that Evan gave should be expanded upon one way or another, it would be really nice to hear some more! There are some grammatical errors here that should also be addressed that will make your profile flow a little bit better. Your lede and nut graf are great and provide all necessary information. I would also try to cut out a few sentences here and there just to focus on concision.
Dear Phoebe,
This is a really nice profile and I’m sure great for a lot of students to hear as they try to find their own paths. Some of your quotes are really long and I think you could pull smaller quotes from them to make them more manageable for readers, but I think the information in them is definitely important. I would also try to make these large paragraphs into smaller ones so that it doesn’t read like an essay and it stays engaging. Your last couple of sentences are super important and really great for your conclusion, but I think they’re getting lost in that big paragraph. Your lede is great and sets this whole thing up really nicely.
The first thing that I noticed was that your profile does not have a title so be sure to add one for the final. When you list the different climate change mitigation efforts you say UNE’s Living shoreline project, and kennebunkport’s climate task force but for the last one you just say the climate initiative so I think it would be useful to include were that is based out of as well is that a local initiative or more broad? Then the next sentence starts with “these roles” I think it would benefit the story if you mentioned what positions she holds with these organizations. I noticed that in the paragraph that starts with because of the necessity of a healthy shoreline at the end of the paragraph you forgot to complete the thought of the last sentence so male sure you go back and complete the thought there. Then you talk about Project Canopy, Project Canopy should be included in the list of initiatives that she is involved in in paragraph two. You also say that Project Canopy “ aims to help tree populations thrive” . I think it would be useful if you included where project Canopy is based and what kinds of trees they are helping. Something like Project Canopy in Biddeford which aims to help the well being of trees in york county such as mountain maple, Nannyberry and Northern red oak. Then you go on to say “ She also is involved in a salt marsh restoration project on campus,” What is that project called? You say that “while pushing for new regulation” she came to a realization. What legislation was she pushing for exactly? Overall I really like the story of your profile and thought that you had a strong conclusion. But I think the profile would really benefit from some more specific details like the who,what,when,where,why,how.
Dear Tony,
The first thing that I noticed was in the paragraph about the NCAA guidelines (paragraph three) that would be a good spot for Viall to talk about his opinion on the NCAA guidelines and his experience with trying to plan practices that work for all the players. Also this sentence In a high risk high reward type of job that is being a college coach, so finding what drives coach viall to continue with college football was great to hear.” dosent make sense also your stepping in front of the camera here by saying “was great to hear” so this sentence can probably be cut out completely but then you would be going from quote to quote so putting a different sentence here as filler would be good. Then in this paragraph In football as a whole players and coaches have many experiences regarding their game winning memories at the high school and collegiate level. Viall shared the experiences at each level that he expressed were his favorite. In this paragraph you are just focusing on the success. Maybe you could talk a little bit about the hardships as well and the experiences of losing games and add a quote about that to emphasize the fact that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows and that’s what makes the victories even more worthwhile. The sentence” As someone who had a different midset this really struck me, and I now have a new approach on football.” Your Stepping in front of the camera again and you need to remove yourself and your thoughts from the story. I feel that this sentence can be deleted. Then in the quote when Viall says becasuse there was a time where we didnt win a lot.” I feel like it’s a good opportunity to expand upon that thought and add a quote about a specific moment or game that wasn’t a success and how that impacted him. I feel like the quote from evan can be brought up sooner in the profile towards the beginning. I like the last sentence as a conclusion. Overall I liked the profile and thought it had a good story but there are a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes that need to be fixed and there are some opportunities for expansion in different areas that would benefit from some more quotes. I also think it would be helpful to get a quote from another UNE football player that has had good interactions with Viall if possible.
Dear Phoebe,
The first thing that I noticed was this sentence Coutney’s teaching style has changed his class teaching format based on how previous classes he had in graduate school, and how students he is teaching now work in needing to understand how classes are run. Should be included sooner in the story before he talks about the specific experiences he had. I would add it a little before the quote where he talks about the semantics class he took. The other major things that I noted were that the paragraphs are too big and need to be broken into smaller ones. There were also a lot of run-on sentences and few spelling errors and a few grammar errors that could easily be corrected. Overall I really like the storytelling of the pieces and feel that a few areas could be expanded on with more quotes to help the reader’s understanding of Professor Courtneys global affairs. Also there are a few areas where information could be shifted to later/earlier in the piece that would help the overall flow. For example I would add the part about how he got started at UNE before delving into the long background of his schooling and I would talk about how his teaching has evolved before talking about the history of his schooling as well.
I think you have a solid headline. I also think the first paragraph is too wordy. If you were able to cut it down a bit and split it into two different paragraphs I think it would look better and not be as wordy to read. In your third paragraph instead of listing Annika as a junior, use the graduation year. Since your story is about Mourad I would use more quotes by him in the beginning. I would also use his last name when using his quotes instead of using his first name. I do like how you give more background about how he engages with student life there and how his impact is on other students. I do also like how you end the profile with explaining his children’s life but i think it should be more in the profile and then end it with connecting him back to your lead.
Dear Brady,
Could not find an upload for peer review not sure if I missed it or not.
Dear Cole,
I like the way you start it out. It gives a good amount of information but not too much really drew me into keep reading more. To start I would try to get some faculty quotes in there as it lacks quotes. Also when you use grace in giving quotes I would use the last name to make it sound more professional. I do like the quotes used; it gives extra detail. I think it lacks length and doesn’t really have a true ending; it kind of just ends abruptly. I think if you brought the ending back to what you started with it would sound more like a true ending. I would suggest adding in another student for quotes or two faculty members for quotes but it definitely needs faculty quotes added.
Dear Evan,
I like the story so far! You establish Professor Crips as an incredibly interesting person, and paint him in an interesting, and education light (haha, you *paint* him). I will say that I think the third paragraph should be switched with the second paragraph. It establishes valuable information about Crips, before launching into the reasoning behind the first paragraph and drawing the reader in with a light touch of humor. The paper also might need a quick read-through to check for some minor spelling and grammar issues, but other than that, I don’t really have much to suggest! The ending is a little bit abrupt, but this is only half of the final product so that is to be expected.
If it’s not too weird, I’d love to see how he got from “McDonalds” to “painter” to professor. That feels like a large jump, and you do get into it slightly, but I’d love to see more. When you do complete the. Paper, I do think that the last three paragraphs should be coupled with his professor years, which they already are, but I suspect you plan on writing slightly more about these years.
Dear Grace,
I love the way that you describe Mourad. He seems like a wonderful person, and his quotes speak for themselves about how kind and philanthropic he is. The quote you got from Annika Doppers is also fantastic, and I’d love to hear more from students about the other facts of his work in Morocco (specifically about the “most popular man in Tangier” quote). I would say for the one paragraph you have about his childhood, you might want to either add more to that paragraph or nix it altogether. It doesn’t really add much as it is, but it does seem very interesting and I’d love to hear more about his childhood and what brought him to America in the first place. You said he’d “returned” to America to work with the Voice of America, and I wasn’t sure if that was a typo because it wasn’t mentioned yet, or if he’d been before.
From that paragraph onward, however, I have no complaints. You highlight many facets of his background and experience, and you do it well. It’s engaging and interesting, and most importantly, it makes me want to read more. I like it a lot.
Dear Brady,
I couldn’t find your profile! I’m not sure if I missed it or not, I’m sorry.
16 thoughts on “JOURNAL #19”
Dear Sarah Bo.,
Looking first at your headline, I really like how you set up this interesting thought-provoking “below the surface” and then head into the specifics and it makes me interested to see the connection between nature and creative nonfiction. I also like how your anecdotal lede has us positioned as onlookers as we begin to identify who Ryan Brod is. Moving into the informative section of this profile, I wonder if it might help to have Brod be able to say some of his background through the quotes so that you could have the opportunity to have those direct quotes earlier in the piece. For instance, there could be an excellent place for that in the 4th and 5th paragraph – maybe instead of you telling us how unsatisfied he was without a creative outlet, which is a super interesting and, I think, essential context to the profile if he were to express in his own words that frustration it might be nice. You do a wonderful job of bringing in some of his personal experiences and influences that are really moving, and the quotes in this section are so great. One suggestion I might have for the end is there are some really profound quotes on life and creative expression, and one thing you could play around with is seeing if that might be a way to close out the piece rather than the more business side of his publication process which could do some work somewhere else in the profile. I really enjoyed reading this!
Dear Sarah Be.,
I like how your headline and subheadline are working well together to expand on what this profile will cover, but one small suggestion I have is how I got caught up a bit in the wording of the headline, and maybe adding “A Young Professor’s Rise to Teaching” could help. The lede is super informative, I know exactly who the profile is about and what they do at UNE. That said, you could add a little more creative setup since you already have all the needed facts. I like how soon you added a direct quote from Quinlan, and we hear her tone and experience to start off. I really like the student quote you incorporated, and it does a good job of bringing the profile of her background to her classroom experiences. From the headline, I feel the focus or the so-what of the profile is how Prof. Quinlan has navigated being a young professor and getting that respect from students and UNE. You have some great quotes from her on the tensions of wanting to be liked by her students but still feeling that need for separation as the professor and expert, and I wonder if a student quote might have more impact if it came after you express Quinlan’s concern and it could be a nice response to it. I also like how you give her the last word in the profile, and maybe if you wanted to add more of a concluding framework that ties us back into the focus of her overcoming inexperience, that could be even more of an ending point.
Dear Zak,
I like your headline and how clear the focus of the profile is. I knew a bit of the “so-what” question right from the beginning, and in addition to Ledbetter’s teammates, there is another layer that goes above and beyond. Moving into the background information and some context, I think there are a lot of helpful facts, such as who exactly you’re talking about, what they do, where, etc. It was also nice to hear directly from Ledbetter about his past experiences, which set us up to move to the present day. There are a couple of spots where the wording was a bit choppy, and reading those out loud as you continue to draft and edit might be helpful – I’m thinking of the 5th paragraph where it says, “However, during his recruitment it became more clear to him that he would have the chance to not only stay close to home but to be able to play football and continue his academic career as well at a high level.” I wonder if something like “However, during his recruitment, it became clear to him that not only would have the chance to be close to home and play football but also advance his academic career at a higher level” might be clearer. I know that this is a working draft, and I think those quotes that reference the other side of the profile’s focus of his residential advisor position and presidential ambassador will be really helpful!
Kristen:
I really liked this profile. I think it had two really good topics to bounce back and forth between that of his teaching and that side of LaBonte and then the more hobby/interests side of him to make him more relatable to the readers. I think the structure of the profile is good as well there is a good flow to the story in addition to this I really liked the transition from the quotes from LaBonte to the interviews with his students I think those were a really smart move on a side note I have yet to conduct my student interviews so this was a good reference to help me prepare for that step for my final draft. One critique I would say is the addition of his college experience and the marijuana usage I’m not sure if that third element would flow well. With this being said it is just a suggestion however to make it flow into the story I might recommend tying it into when you talk about his college experience with the narrative that it played a role into where he is today perhaps.
Nick:
While I really enjoyed the story from a reader perspective I have few suggestions. In the lead I would mention something about the transition from football to rugby to then set up essentially how your story is going to flow. Going off of that I really liked the way you transitioned from her history to where she is now with that transition of sports being the basis that is followed. Another suggestion is just being mindful of grammar and where you go back and forth from using her and her name, maybe flip flopping some of those. The main critique I have is with the moment you share her losing her step-father I think this area could use a little bit more emotion for example you state that it severely affected her, in this same paragraph to maybe explain why this affected her so strongly, maybe combining this paragraph with the one before it just to tie those ideas together, that they were close and losing him was a hard point for her.
Finn:
I found this piece to be very interesting, I think you chose a good focus on an interesting background that leads into the career path he has now. This profile is packed with all the little details which it has the room for however a few critiques I have are to do with the lead, it seems very cut and dry and I think it could be more inviting. However in the first paragraph there are so many details that are really setting the scene for this interview. I think you did a really good job with structuring this profile piece especially with the amount of quotes you used which I think we’re all really well included and part of telling his story. Something to expand upon interviewing one of his students or including some background information on how you found out about his background?
Journal 19
Caitlin?
Tony,
I enjoyed reading this. The storytelling was fantastic, I think how you write is you start off with a nut graph and then build on that with quotes. It was very insightful, because it was suspenseful as well. I wanted to keep reading it because I was like when the party bit was mentioned. There is definitely needed little errors that need work like capitalization and extra spaces, and maybe a conclusion that ties in a bit more, I think the interview at the end from Evan is a great idea but maybe put it in the beginning so it helps introduce Viall more as how other people see him and then what he personally talks about when and works with the team through his own words and actions which you have presented so well. This will give him an entrance after putting another look at him from the lens of his team that he works to coach, as the angle goes into how he runs the team and coaches.
Kayleigh,
I really liked in the fourth paragraph, how you ended it on a quote to help put the perceptive you were trying to bring in as the angle, it really helped. Show the Point Dr. Faraday was trying to make about living at sea. Overall I saw minor but needed capitalization on different elements in the profile. Like “Professor of Marine Affairs” should maybe capitalized because it’s a title, and if Faraday is a doctor or not (I’m not sure I’ve heard people call her that) that should be in her name when you introduce her. But I really liked this profile. It was a good read for me, had good storytelling and actually had a lot of information in it. That was tied in and I think that is a very good strength to have. As for the conclusion, I think you already used the second quote or one like it in the profile, unless you want to change a bit more, then maybe move it. But the first option I think will help tie down the angle and message of your profile because you could bring it in as a way to help show how beneficial a semester at sea is that helped a professor when they weren’t really doing much and trying to see what was next for her.
Dear Nick,
I think the core focus of this article is really wonderful, and, as a friend of Hannah, I think this captures her spirit and love for her sports really well. I think you’ve also done a good job at generally structuring the piece, as well as gathering sources that can accurately portray the aspects of her sportsmanship that you want to present.
I would make sure to read through it out loud, as there are some pretty significant grammatical and word-order issues, and I would also make sure that you’re being consistent in how you’re spelling “Ramalho”, as it changes throughout the current piece. I also think there are a few instances of you “stepping in front of the camera” a bit, specifically when you’re adding context to a quote ( like, “said Ramalho about her early moments playing on the team,” I think you have enough context before this sentence, so the parts after “said Ramalho” aren’t necessary.)
Other than those things, I think this is a great topic and, maybe I’m biased, but I really think you have a really strong story here.
Dear Molly,
I really like how much information you’ve gathered about your subject so far, and it’s clear that you asked the “right” questions, since the quotes you have are awesome. I also see that you have some ideas for getting student quotes as well, which is a fantastic idea, and I think will help you round out the whole piece.
As for things to work on, I would say adding some context to his presence kind of “on-campus”, or what makes him someone you wanted to focus on (which are things that, I found, can be easier to formulate by getting student opinion, so doing that will definitely help you in more ways than one). Also, your paragraphs might be just a bit too long, so maybe splitting them up by quote could fix that.
Overall, I think you have a great focus, a lot of great information, and it looks like you have plans to make the piece even better!
Dear Finn,
I think you’ve found a really strong and compelling story, and it looks like you’ve gathered a lot of great information already.
I’m a bit conflicted with the anecdotal office description portion, as I really enjoy it, but it seems a bit out of place, and maybe a bit list-y in the first paragraph. BUT, I like how it connects back at the end, so I think as long as you refine it and make it flow a bit better, it can be a great addition. I also think that maybe getting a colleague/student opinion could help add some needed perspective, maybe pertaining to Dr. Gordon’s teaching style and how his past may have shaped this part of his current endeavors. Also, one small thing, I would go through and re-evaluate some of the punctuation and capitalization choices that were made, but other than that I think you have a really strong story, a lot of potential for other perspectives, and I think the anecdotal aspect will make his piece really shine.
Molly,
In terms of your lead, I think it could be a bit more cinematic/dramatic. Your nut graph is informative/starts at the beginning, giving a solid background on Professor Roche. The only thing I’d suggest is just making sure you’re sticking to definite facts in the second paragraph; people might not understand what mediations are.
I think you certainly have an angle here; I’d just like to see a bit more emphasis on one primary theme/throughline in your article. I know it’s still a draft, so just something to keep in mind when you continue.
I think the people interviewed are good, but as you say in the document it might be nice to have a student/coworker perspective on what makes Prof. Roche so good/impactful/different, just to corroborate your claims.
I think your use of quotes is competent. The one thing I’d like to see is just making sure you give quotes space of their own and be careful not to retread ground the quotes could have covered for you. Additionally, remember that you are allowed to remove some of the filler words (uh, um, you know) in quotes just to make it a little cleaner and make the person look better.
I think you do an alright job with the backstory. I would like to know what Roche teaches currently (in like what classes specifically), as well as possibly breaking up some of the nut graph info to make it more story-like, trying to keep each paragraph its own unit.
I think storytelling could use some work. It’s informational but doesn’t really have a theme or throughline that connects it to a greater narrative. Thinking about the main points or themes is a good idea.
This article needs more theming/storytelling to make it have more impact. What about him is newsworthy?
Kristen ,
First off, I think your lead is well done, and gives a not too dry intro to Prof. LaBonte. The nut graph could use some more detail, in terms of what exactly brought him to UNE. Was he doing research? Why did someone not looking to be a professor end up at UNE?
In terms of your angle, I’m not exactly sure where you’re coming from. Obviously he seems like an interesting guy, but I’m not exactly sure what the overarching theme is of your article, nor what specifically makes the fly fishing portion connect to his work.
I like your inclusion of another student’s perspective. I think having a coworker’s perspective on what makes him unique/interesting could add a lot to your article.
I think you proficiently use quotations. One thing I think you should try to do is give the quotations some space of their own, being careful to not re-explain or state things that already are in the quotations. You can present them without needing as much lead-in or explanation, let them speak for themselves.
There could be more context to certain areas of your article. I think a bit more information about his involvement in the fishing/conservation side of things would be interesting. I’d also like to know more about how he ended up working as a professor when his goal wasn’t that from the start.
As I said earlier, I think your article needs to have an overarching theme/themes to link the ideas together. I think you have the parts of the story that will make an interesting profile, but it would be great to have some sort of connecting thread between everything (maybe about circumstance/falling into things?)
I think there’s certainly an audience for this piece, but it’s impact needs to be examined. Giving more information about how he ended up doing what he does would go far in increasing the impact.
Nick,
I think your lead and nut graph could use some work. Specifically, I’m not sure the quote is needed in the first paragraph. I think formatting it more dramatically could make it a bit more interesting, possibly starting with a statement of challenges she faced specifically in her life. In the nut graph, I’d like to know more about her childhood interesting in football. You give some explanation, but I think it could be expanded to give a better idea.
our piece certainly has an angle, but it’s a little unfocused. Maybe try to make it about her overcoming challenges and perseverance.
I like that you have quotes from her coaches. I think you could maybe interview a teammate from the rugby team, just to add some more information.
Your use of quotes could be refined. Having a quote about how the loss of her stepfather impacted her would make it more impactful. You should additionally try to make the quotes stand by themselves, without re-explaining or paraphrasing people’s words. Let the quotes speak for themselves. Having a quotation at the end is good, but if she said the things that aren’t in quotes, you should try to insert the entire quotation and not have as much of your opinion/writing in it.
You do an alright job of giving context, but it would be nice to have a bit more of her story, possibly about the impacts of losing her stepfather, her not playing that senior night (why not?), and about the roadblocks she faced coming to UNE.
Your article has elements to make an interesting/inspiring story, but you should try to connect it back to an overarching theme in the entire article. Talk about her overcoming challenges and being a hard worker, her dedication, or her drive.
I think there’s an audience for the piece, as well as an impact, but as I said in the last paragraph, connecting it to a theme overall would strengthen that impact further. I even believe that you already have elements of a theme in your conclusion, but you should think about putting some of those ideas into your intro.
Dear Zak,
Overall, great draft. I would shorten the headline and/or break it up into a head and subhead, as it is a mouthful right now. Also, in the beginning, you introduce Will immediately and include everything there, which is great, but with soft news like this, I think you can take your time. I recommend taking a breath with this and relaxing the pace a little. To be nitpicky, check your punctuation throughout – it is a little off sometimes. Otherwise, your paragraphs were nice and short – digestible for the reader. Your quotes allow Ledbetter to speak for himself, informing the reader about his experience here. One thing to note is the paragraph after your first quote, which is pretty wordy and full of filler words – I would take a look back at this during revision. Since you are talking about college sports, it is a good idea to state what division the school plays in, should there be readers from outside the school or generally not know. My only other note was on how you write numbers because later in your profile, numbers below ten should be written out, but the ratios showing who won should remain as digits. Again, good draft. I enjoyed reading it even though I am not a fan of football – it’s great to hear from the coaches and how they put trust in Ledbetter.
Dear Sarah,
I had never heard of Quinlan, but her classes sound interesting. As for your title, professing sounds like someone professing their love for someone instead of teaching as a professor, so I would rework that. I also want to point out how you introduce the quotes academically; I think it works, but would be better if Quinlan said this herself or there was some other transition that could be added, or removed entirely and just letting Quinlan do the talking. Along with that, I am curious where the friendly community motivating the professor’s bit came from – is it Quinlan? Either way, you should attribute that to whoever said it, because I think that would be a great quote. Though I have to say you have great quotes, you did a good job hitting the obstacles that come with being a young and new teacher. Okay, also nitpicky here, but when you state her “achievements” as instilling curiosity in students, I think you could say that it is something she strives for, or that she aspires to do so, as the wording now is a little odd, especially if it’s coming from a Quinlan. I appreciate the incorporation of a student in her class, who genuinely seems to enjoy it. There was a comment on her age on page two, which should have an attribute since I can almost see you writing it there when saying she’s doing a good job – same with saying that soc is something more students should be curious about towards the end. I also like how Quinlan gets the last word here, pretty good way to conclude, and overall I enjoyed reading this.
Dear Elia,
Already, I love that you included a picture of Dr. Ahmida; it also reminded me that I have a picture for my profile, so thanks. Normally, I would be against inserting yourself in this type of work, but it’s nice how you slowly introduced Dr. Ahmida by using your own voice. Great use of quotes, it’s clear that your interviews prompted these fitting responses, and they are not overwhelming. This also reflects your relationship with him – being his mentee – but that he is comfortable conversing with you about sometimes challenging subjects. Your paragraphs are short and are working to build the profile without unnecessary information. I think mentioning the work done in three different languages exhibits how impressive this accomplishment is and was a great choice to include. You also highlight his obstacles, which furthers him in the reader’s mind as a humble man in the UNE community. The way you weave Caprio and Ahmida is nice, showing that they support each other’s viewpoint of Ahmida and his work. In terms of format, I appreciate that you place his quote where he discusses where he has been honored and other achievements after you set him up as impressive; if you had put this earlier, it may have taken away from his humanization, good choice. Also, presenting him with the last word is a nice touch. My only question that came out of this was, what kind of research you and Caprio are helping him with? I understand if this doesn’t fit the profile’s narrative, but it might be interesting to hear his plans for that too. While I like your title, I am wondering if it is the most precise you could be with it. Maybe cluing readers into the topic of his research or implying the creation of a book from his research? Either way, I like the 30-year part since it makes his dedication to his research shine.
Journal 19
Caitlin
I really liked how good your storytelling was in this profile. It’s a good overview of information that you have started out in and then expand into current matters like with funding, and a love for the environment. There is one part where it looks like you’re going into another sentence and then drop off it and it goes to a new paragraph. I think that this captures what professor is trying to say but I think it needs some more quotes from what for example what her struggles were in getting pushback. I think that your angle is a professor finding and working in the field they want and what happens in forms of pushback and events that help and how it affects the community. This was very interesting to read, it had a good flow throughout it, I just think that a few more quotes are needed to make it stronger!
Dear Cole,
I liked this article a lot, and I thought it was very well written. I would double check your byline, as it says that your article is written by someone with a different name. You give a good amount of background information as to what the lab is about, but I would focus more on your subject’s background. This article seems quite focused on the lab, but I would try to bring that focus back onto your subject.
The section about lab work in general can probably be taken out, and possibly replaced with Grace’s experience in finding her lab work. You could explain the accessibility of lab work at UNE through Grace, and have their journey to finding their lab kinda be a conduit for this explanation.
Overall, I didn’t notice errors in terms of grammar. The writing style is very well done, and the information flows from one paragraph to the next super well. I think to make this article the best it can be, finding your focus will be key. This is a great article.
Dear Evan,
Overall, I really liked this article. It gives the reader a very good idea of who Dr. Cripps is, and shows his personality very well. I think a good readover would give this story exactly what it needs, as some of the writing is pretty choppy, and there are a few glaring grammatical errors. I also think that your introduction paragraph for Dr. Cripps should be moved up, as you begin to refer to him just as Cripps before you explain who he is.
I liked the quotes that you used, and I liked that you got the point of view of people who have worked with Cripps, but also people who have had him as a professor. This gives a very well rounded view not only of Cripps as a person, but as a professor. The main work that still needs to be done in this article is in the grammar and overall flow of the writing. Your information is awesome, but some of it may benefit from being reorganized or edited a bit.
Dear Sarah –
I like how the headline alludes to your profile’s work mentioned later on however, I found myself going back and rereading it after finishing the article and it made more sense. The lede is really strong in setting the scene and hobbies of your interviewee, it gives a great mental image. I would check the grammar in the beginning paragraphs like the second one where it says no one could never assume? I like how you portray Brod, as a reader I get a good sense that he’s connected with wildlife. I feel like I get a full picture of his background and past works to how he went about writing his book. If there is any way to work in a quote earlier in the passages, it might help readers get his perspective earlier on. The quotes you use later on are powerful and do stand out. I think getting an outside perspective from one of his other students could be really helpful to give another perspective to Brod. It’s a good piece that gives a general overview of Brod.
Dear Zak –
First off don’t forget to put your name on the article. I think the headline is a little long, if you take out some of the filler words it might simplify it. My overall impression is to add some character to the article, it doesn’t have to be so straightforward. Not everybody knows about football so there should still be an aspect outside readers can find appeal in. I like how Ledbetter’s background is very clear and we get an idea of him early. I think you could try to incorporate a storytelling aspect so it’s not just a report on someone who plays football. This isn’t hard news so you don’t need to be so direct with information. Adding dimension to your paragraphs could also make it easier to read. I feel like it’s a lot of shorter paragraphs and having some difference might make it more appealing. Also, trying to get an outside perspective for quotes like his advisor position is a great start, You could also look to get a brief statement from his teammate or a coach. You did a good job of keeping the focus on your profile and not getting in the way.
Dear Elia –
This title sums up exactly what I’m going to be reading and who it’s going to be about. I like how you set the scene for his office and provided context and character for the type of person Dr. Ahmida is. I found myself a little confused when waiting for the explanation of his research, you might be able to add the research assistance quote later on to keep the order together. I love how there are so many quotes I really get a feeling for who the profile is and his importance in his community. This is certainly a heavy topic to discuss but I feel like there’s plenty of context provided by the doctor and through your writing. It’s nice to see a bit of the author’s relationship and the assistance relationship. This might just be me, but I felt at some point it was very back and forth with the quotes in a little bit for description. Overall I think it wraps up on a great note that highlights his research and his recovery. It’s a difficult topic to protray but you did a good job of presenting it.
Dear Kayleigh,
I like your overall approach of highlighting the difference in the semester at sea and what your interviewee has had a much different experience and I like that she noted that it’s based on what the student wants to learn. As someone who is still trying to get over the hump of required college courses I envy Susan. I like how you introduce this piece as well, you have the right tone in your writing that exemplifies the difference in a semester at sea as opposed to taking courses as per usual. Also I think that you are extremely well researched and I think that shows in your profile a lot. Just make sure to make it as concise as possible.
Dear Caitlin,
I think that there could be another interview to add here, something from a colleague or a classmate? There should be someone who can speak on her behalf on how she has helped the department and or the environment in Maine. This also needs a title. Additionally there should be some storytelling involved, your lead should draw the reader in and you nut graf is what does the explaining. Your lead should become your nut graph and I would rework another paragraph into a new lead or start one from scratch. Other than that I think you have the foundation for a great profile.
Dear Phoebe,
I really like everything that you have but it feels very academic at some points. Additionally, I would space out the quotes and work on separating your paragraphs and make it more concise. However this coming into success story is great. I like how you go into detail of her in grad school and having her talk about her struggles. I think that this is great it just needs some cleaning up.
Dear Finn,
I love the headline of the profile; it captures what the profile will be about. I like the structure of the profile. The first thing I would look to add is some other quotes from different people. I think potentially getting a student in a class of his or someone who’s close to him will add a lot to understanding who he is and potentially goes even deeper into his story. I would also talk more about his current class and add some details about it. Talking about the class in more detail adds to how his career path changed but he is still using the lessons learned from before to better his current position. I feel something that could be a interesting idea if you want to add it is explore how he thought everything would go to now more. With that maybe looking into more of the why’s of the change in career paths. I overall like your piece and my only things I would change is to potentially refine your story to fit exactly want you are trying to get.
Dear Moly,
The first thing I would look to do is spilt up the paragraphs more, pinpoint on one idea and once that idea was in the light then go onto the next. I would look to keep the information you have just spilt it up so it’s not one big paragraph. I like your headline and I believe it captures the story that will be told in the profile. I would look to change it into a story and not a telling of the interview conducted. In some of the sentences try to change it to talk about the story he told not saying he said this. I feel like an interesting part to add could be paragraph talking about some of his experiences in law and maybe he states something, or you find a nice detail that adds a cool transition into his teacher career. I would also look to add some other quotes from either is students, coworkers, or anyone he worked with in law to add some more detail to who he is and his story. Overall, great story and there’s great detail that adds a lot to the profile.
Dear Kristen,
First thing I noticed was the great headline to the profile. It adds a lot of captivity to the profile and interest to wanting to know what its about. The lead too captures exactly what your story will be as well as keeping that interest you set up in the headline. I love the start of it as well, stating he had no thought to be in the career he is in. The students’ thoughts about him added a lot of capture exactly who he is. Incorporating his business also added a great touch to show who he sis outside of the classroom. I would potentially like to see some quotes from people who know him in his business to add even more to that fact of who he is both inside and outside the classroom. I see some of your notes at the bottom as well and just want to make sure you remember that potentially you might need to chop some of the information down to meet the word count. Overall, great profile and I think it truly captures who he is.
Dear Sarah Bedore,
I like the flow of your article and I think you did a good job at establishing the character early on by giving us a brief rundown of her and her story. I think there are some sections you can definitely break up and I think they would benefit from that because they would be easier for the reader to digest. I liked how you didn’t explain the quotes before or after, you kind of just hung them there and I think that was effective with the context that you had already given. I think adding insight on her age and how young she is really helps the reader connect more throughout, but it also does a great job at highlighting her and her professionalism even though she may be close to students in age. It did seem unfinished in certain spots, and I don’t know if that was intentional so I won’t say too much, as a whole I like the direction that this is going in and I think since it’s a draft if you keep working and make small tweaks here and there it will come out very good. I think one smaller piece that may help would be maybe adding a quote from a student who has her on her age and see what they may think about it.
Dear Sarah Bo,
I really liked your headline. I think it does a good job right away and it made me wonder about the connection that you mention in the sub headline between nature and the creative nonfiction that he writes. I also really liked your use of the anecdotal lede I felt like it gave us insight on who Ryan is without knowing Ryan yet and so I think that was well done. I think you do a great job at providing information on who Ryan is, I think that a quote there may help though just to let the reader be introduced to him as a voice in the story sooner rather than later. You do a really good job at providing a lot of background information about his beginnings, about where and how he got where he is now. I think a quote would be perfect in the section where you talk about his time before UNE. I may have missed it, but I think a quote from a student of his would help just to be able to bridge the gap between him being a professor and then him being a writer just because you mentioned him as the professor, but we never get any sort of information from a student or anything. As a whole though I think it’s a strong piece and will only continue to get better.
Dear Elia,
I like how in a sense you are already a step ahead with having the picture of Dr. Ahmida. It was like a reminder to me that at some point I need to add a picture. I liked how your headline and sub head were straightforward. There was no confusion for me who I’m reading about and I know exactly what I’m about to read as the reader. Truthfully, I really liked how you put yourself into the camera for a brief moment while you’re introducing him because you didn’t stay in front of it so I think that worked for me when reading there was no confusion on my end. Your use of quotes is great, I linked how you let your quotes speak throughout the profile and didn’t step in front of those by restating them either before or after the quote was said. It’s also clear throughout the connection that you and Dr. Ahmida have throughout the article and I think for the reader it’s easier to read because there is no gray area on things. You get a lot of great details in the quotes to help with that. Your paragraphs are short and easy to read which helps the reader stay connected. I think this is a very good profile and I enjoyed reading it, it made me feel like I personally now know Dr. Ahmida just through this reading.
Dear Kayleigh,
I really love the information in your profile. There are a few minor grammatical errors and a couple of sentences that are a little bit choppy but these are small mistakes. There are a few parts that I think could be cut down for concision purposes and to make room for more conclusion, like the paragraph about her experiences with whales and dolphins could be made a couple of sentences shorter. I love the first quote that you have for your conclusion and I think that hearing about her working on boats for four years afterwards would be a very relevant piece of info to include. This was super interesting!
Dear Tony,
The biggest thing for me is that I’d love to hear more from Evan or from other players about how Coach Viall individualizes his coaching and helps them become better players. I think the quote that Evan gave should be expanded upon one way or another, it would be really nice to hear some more! There are some grammatical errors here that should also be addressed that will make your profile flow a little bit better. Your lede and nut graf are great and provide all necessary information. I would also try to cut out a few sentences here and there just to focus on concision.
Dear Phoebe,
This is a really nice profile and I’m sure great for a lot of students to hear as they try to find their own paths. Some of your quotes are really long and I think you could pull smaller quotes from them to make them more manageable for readers, but I think the information in them is definitely important. I would also try to make these large paragraphs into smaller ones so that it doesn’t read like an essay and it stays engaging. Your last couple of sentences are super important and really great for your conclusion, but I think they’re getting lost in that big paragraph. Your lede is great and sets this whole thing up really nicely.
Dear Caitlin,
The first thing that I noticed was that your profile does not have a title so be sure to add one for the final. When you list the different climate change mitigation efforts you say UNE’s Living shoreline project, and kennebunkport’s climate task force but for the last one you just say the climate initiative so I think it would be useful to include were that is based out of as well is that a local initiative or more broad? Then the next sentence starts with “these roles” I think it would benefit the story if you mentioned what positions she holds with these organizations. I noticed that in the paragraph that starts with because of the necessity of a healthy shoreline at the end of the paragraph you forgot to complete the thought of the last sentence so male sure you go back and complete the thought there. Then you talk about Project Canopy, Project Canopy should be included in the list of initiatives that she is involved in in paragraph two. You also say that Project Canopy “ aims to help tree populations thrive” . I think it would be useful if you included where project Canopy is based and what kinds of trees they are helping. Something like Project Canopy in Biddeford which aims to help the well being of trees in york county such as mountain maple, Nannyberry and Northern red oak. Then you go on to say “ She also is involved in a salt marsh restoration project on campus,” What is that project called? You say that “while pushing for new regulation” she came to a realization. What legislation was she pushing for exactly? Overall I really like the story of your profile and thought that you had a strong conclusion. But I think the profile would really benefit from some more specific details like the who,what,when,where,why,how.
Dear Tony,
The first thing that I noticed was in the paragraph about the NCAA guidelines (paragraph three) that would be a good spot for Viall to talk about his opinion on the NCAA guidelines and his experience with trying to plan practices that work for all the players. Also this sentence In a high risk high reward type of job that is being a college coach, so finding what drives coach viall to continue with college football was great to hear.” dosent make sense also your stepping in front of the camera here by saying “was great to hear” so this sentence can probably be cut out completely but then you would be going from quote to quote so putting a different sentence here as filler would be good. Then in this paragraph In football as a whole players and coaches have many experiences regarding their game winning memories at the high school and collegiate level. Viall shared the experiences at each level that he expressed were his favorite. In this paragraph you are just focusing on the success. Maybe you could talk a little bit about the hardships as well and the experiences of losing games and add a quote about that to emphasize the fact that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows and that’s what makes the victories even more worthwhile. The sentence” As someone who had a different midset this really struck me, and I now have a new approach on football.” Your Stepping in front of the camera again and you need to remove yourself and your thoughts from the story. I feel that this sentence can be deleted. Then in the quote when Viall says becasuse there was a time where we didnt win a lot.” I feel like it’s a good opportunity to expand upon that thought and add a quote about a specific moment or game that wasn’t a success and how that impacted him. I feel like the quote from evan can be brought up sooner in the profile towards the beginning. I like the last sentence as a conclusion. Overall I liked the profile and thought it had a good story but there are a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes that need to be fixed and there are some opportunities for expansion in different areas that would benefit from some more quotes. I also think it would be helpful to get a quote from another UNE football player that has had good interactions with Viall if possible.
Dear Phoebe,
The first thing that I noticed was this sentence Coutney’s teaching style has changed his class teaching format based on how previous classes he had in graduate school, and how students he is teaching now work in needing to understand how classes are run. Should be included sooner in the story before he talks about the specific experiences he had. I would add it a little before the quote where he talks about the semantics class he took. The other major things that I noted were that the paragraphs are too big and need to be broken into smaller ones. There were also a lot of run-on sentences and few spelling errors and a few grammar errors that could easily be corrected. Overall I really like the storytelling of the pieces and feel that a few areas could be expanded on with more quotes to help the reader’s understanding of Professor Courtneys global affairs. Also there are a few areas where information could be shifted to later/earlier in the piece that would help the overall flow. For example I would add the part about how he got started at UNE before delving into the long background of his schooling and I would talk about how his teaching has evolved before talking about the history of his schooling as well.
Dear Grace,
I think you have a solid headline. I also think the first paragraph is too wordy. If you were able to cut it down a bit and split it into two different paragraphs I think it would look better and not be as wordy to read. In your third paragraph instead of listing Annika as a junior, use the graduation year. Since your story is about Mourad I would use more quotes by him in the beginning. I would also use his last name when using his quotes instead of using his first name. I do like how you give more background about how he engages with student life there and how his impact is on other students. I do also like how you end the profile with explaining his children’s life but i think it should be more in the profile and then end it with connecting him back to your lead.
Dear Brady,
Could not find an upload for peer review not sure if I missed it or not.
Dear Cole,
I like the way you start it out. It gives a good amount of information but not too much really drew me into keep reading more. To start I would try to get some faculty quotes in there as it lacks quotes. Also when you use grace in giving quotes I would use the last name to make it sound more professional. I do like the quotes used; it gives extra detail. I think it lacks length and doesn’t really have a true ending; it kind of just ends abruptly. I think if you brought the ending back to what you started with it would sound more like a true ending. I would suggest adding in another student for quotes or two faculty members for quotes but it definitely needs faculty quotes added.
Dear Evan,
I like the story so far! You establish Professor Crips as an incredibly interesting person, and paint him in an interesting, and education light (haha, you *paint* him). I will say that I think the third paragraph should be switched with the second paragraph. It establishes valuable information about Crips, before launching into the reasoning behind the first paragraph and drawing the reader in with a light touch of humor. The paper also might need a quick read-through to check for some minor spelling and grammar issues, but other than that, I don’t really have much to suggest! The ending is a little bit abrupt, but this is only half of the final product so that is to be expected.
If it’s not too weird, I’d love to see how he got from “McDonalds” to “painter” to professor. That feels like a large jump, and you do get into it slightly, but I’d love to see more. When you do complete the. Paper, I do think that the last three paragraphs should be coupled with his professor years, which they already are, but I suspect you plan on writing slightly more about these years.
Dear Grace,
I love the way that you describe Mourad. He seems like a wonderful person, and his quotes speak for themselves about how kind and philanthropic he is. The quote you got from Annika Doppers is also fantastic, and I’d love to hear more from students about the other facts of his work in Morocco (specifically about the “most popular man in Tangier” quote). I would say for the one paragraph you have about his childhood, you might want to either add more to that paragraph or nix it altogether. It doesn’t really add much as it is, but it does seem very interesting and I’d love to hear more about his childhood and what brought him to America in the first place. You said he’d “returned” to America to work with the Voice of America, and I wasn’t sure if that was a typo because it wasn’t mentioned yet, or if he’d been before.
From that paragraph onward, however, I have no complaints. You highlight many facets of his background and experience, and you do it well. It’s engaging and interesting, and most importantly, it makes me want to read more. I like it a lot.
Dear Brady,
I couldn’t find your profile! I’m not sure if I missed it or not, I’m sorry.